A little excursion humor thanx to: Car Talk Takes an Excursion Ford Excursion, That Is!
By now, you've probably heard about Ford's new behemoth sport utility vehicle, the Excursion. Now, Ford has taken a lot of grief lately due to the vehicle's size. The Sierra Club even dubbed it the Ford "Valdez." To be fair, Ford points out that its customers want such vehicles, and that they've worked hard to minimize the Excursion's emissions. That seems to be true. But we couldn't help providing our instantaneous "Car Talk Translation" of Ford's announcement. With apologies to Bill Ford Jr. -- and our own legal team for the extra hours they'll be putting in this week--Car Talk is pleased to help Ford introduce the new Ford Excursion: FORD: The customer came first in developing the all-new Ford Excursion. TRANSLATION: We had about 50 million tons of extra sheet metal lying around. FORD: It's designed to provide customers with a fresh new choice in the heavy-duty utility market. TRANSLATION: Even we were shocked when we saw it. I think we can all agree, it's freakin' huge. FORD: Excursion offers more space and convenience for passengers, more utility for activities such as towing and more versatility for carrying cargo and luggage--while at the same time setting a bold new standard for safety and the environment. TRANSLATION: There's more interior volume than the Taj Mahal. Think you'd get hurt if the Taj ever hit a Chevette? Of course not! You wouldn't believe how much gas this thing drinks. We didn't say it was a bold new good standard. FORD: Up to 10 cup holders and five power points. TRANSLATION: Just you try to drink that much coffee. We don't know what power points are, either, but some junior ad writer came up with the phrase and we kept it because we thought it sounded impressive. FORD: Large towing capacity--up to 10,000 pounds. TRANSLATION: That's two fully loaded Explorers you could drag around behind you, in case you want to zip into town with something easier to park. FORD: Large payload capacity--up to one ton. TRANSLATION: And it holds nine people, so each of them can weigh up to 225 pounds. Or, five mothers-in-law at 400 pounds each. It's your call. FORD: Ford's unique BlockerBeam helps prevent a car from sliding underneath the front of the Excursion during a frontal collision. Ford is the first in the industry to provide this type of advanced protection in trucks. TRANSLATION: We're already gearing up for lawsuits from relatives of deceased Escort owners. Our legal team devised this preemptive, technology-based defense. FORD: A standard trailer hitch helps prevent a car from sliding underneath the rear of Excursion during a rear collision. TRANSLATION: But the "BlockerBeam" was too expensive to add to the back of the Excursion. So, we figured, why not just skewer cars with a regular old trailer hitch? FORD: Driver and passenger front air bags feature "second generation" inflation rates. TRANSLATION: Our apologies to those of you who lost your first generation of children to our original air bag design. FORD: New Ford Belt-Minder system will help remind most Excursion occupants to buckle up. TRANSLATION: We added a buzzer. FORD: SecuriLockú passive anti-theft system helps deter would-be thieves. TRANSLATION: It took Vinny 300 percent longer to break in and drive off-nearly two full minutes! FORD: Will produce up to 43 percent less tailpipe emissions than permitted by law. TRANSLATION: The law needs updating. FORD: More fuel efficient--with more passenger and cargo carrying capacity--than two average full-size sedans capable of transporting equivalent loads. TRANSLATION: Please try not to think how much gas you're wasting when you take the Excursion to go get a gallon of milk. FORD: Nearly one-fifth of the vehicle is made from recycled materials, including various steel, aluminum, rubber and plastic parts. TRANSLATION: There aren't enough mines in the world for the raw materials we'll be needing. FORD: More than 85 percent of the vehicle is recyclable by weight. TRANSLATION: And when you're done with it, NAFTA allows us to sell it to Mexico as low-income housing. FORD: At less than 7 feet tall and less than 20 feet long, Excursion still fits into a standard-size garage. TRANSLATION: But it might not be a bad idea to hire some aircraft- gate parking specialists with lit beacons to help you get it in there. FORD: Excursion offers an impressive 165 cubic feet of available cargo space. That's about eight times the trunk volume of a full-size passenger car. TRANSLATION: Some other things you might be able to relate this to: *About the size of your first apartment after college *Could hold 10 cubicles, and a water cooler *Enough room for optional lap pool FORD: Reducing the amount of noise entering the cabin was a priority for the Excursion development team. TRANSLATION: I think we all can agree that it's distasteful to have to listen to the sound of bones, flesh and metal being crunched. FORD: Privacy glass and separate reading lights also are provided for all three rows of seating. TRANSLATION: Guys, you can finally stare at those ads in your wife's copy of "Vogue" while you're waiting for her to come out of the store, and the little old ladies with blue hair won't give you dirty looks. FORD: Excursion also is another example of Ford's dual truck platform strategy, which is designed to make effective and efficient use of common platforms to provide better value to customers and shareholders. TRANSLATION: We basically took our standard garbage truck and put seven seats in it. ------------------------ Yahoo! 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