"The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United
States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one
governor of California." --Conan O'Brien
"Even though it's a little bit controversial, President Bush supports
the effort to make English our national language. The president says
making English our national language is not 'discriminatious.'" --Conan
O'Brien
"The Pentagon announced today that Iraq’s border is now 90% under
control, which is pretty impressive when you realize San Diego's border
is only 20% under control." --Jay Leno
"As you know, the National Guard stands by, ready to go into action any
time the president of the United States feels there's a big enough of a
disaster, like a major earthquake, a huge flood, a 29% approval rating.
Any one of those things could trigger movement." --Jay Leno
"He went to a border town in Arizona yesterday. ... But, White House
spokesman Tony Snow said it was not just a photo opportunity. No sirry
Bob. Apparently, President Bush went down there looking for some guys
about landscaping at the White House." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is pretty serious about this enforcement thing. In fact,
before he left the border, he put up a scarecrow of Dick Cheney with a
shotgun." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its
people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question:
When can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno
"The Senate voted to make English the national language. More bad news
for President Bush. Now he's got to learn that." --Jay Leno
"The Senate voted 63 to 34 to make English the official language of the
United States, but they say as a largely symbolic amendment with no real
effect. You know, kind of like that ethics bill." --Jay Leno
"Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami
could hit the Pacific northwest this year. I don't want to be
disrespectful, but possibly? ... Like God's thinking 60/40. ... Pat,
that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the weather channel." --Jay
Leno
"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted
64 to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second:
'70s jive talk." –Tina Fey
"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment
banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers
wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey
"Kenyan Muslims believe that a five-and-a-half pound tuna caught in the
Indian Ocean off the coast of Mombasa, carries a message from Allah
written among its scales. In a related story, this doctor [shows a
picture of Bill Frist] doesn't think doesn't think condoms stop AIDS.
And that's this week's edition of 'Religion Gone Nuts'" --Tina Fey
"Many governors of northeastern states are unwilling to volunteer their
National Guard troops to assist with President Bush's border plan. They
want the Guard troops doing what they do best: freaking people out at
Amtrak stations." –Amy Poehler
"A Louisiana state Senate committee unanimously approved a ban on cock
fighting, in what appears to be a first step in outlawing gay marriage"
--Amy Poehler
"President Bush is sending troops to the Mexican border. He's going to
have them look for tequila of mass destruction." --David Letterman
"The Bush administration is tightening immigration now. In order to
cross the United States, you have to have legal documentation. If you
want to get into the United States you have to have legal documentation
or a 95 mile an hour fast ball." --David Letterman
"The Senate yesterday voted to make English the national language of the
United States and also our national muffin. The English muffin. I'm glad
they took some time out to work on that." --Jimmy Kimmel
"It's all part of this immigration reform bill that they're working on
to help us forget how much we don't like them in Congress. President
Bush was in Arizona checking out plans for this new fence he's building.
They really should let him actually build the fence. Give him a shovel.
I think he'd be good at that. ... But, he's a busy man, the president.
He's juggling immigration and tax cuts. He's listening into our phone
calls. He's got the war. He's got other wars he's planning." --Jimmy Kimmel
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