Lol quite amusing. Good read this time of the morning.
Er, talking about morning, why the hell are you awake at such times anyway?
----- Original Message -----
From: "TJ Olsen" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
To: "talk2" <talk2@AndreLouis.COM>
Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006 8:04 AM
Subject: The Talk2 List pulled from gwb's trash
President Bush will meet this week with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki
to discuss the violence that is spiraling out of control in Iraq. Mr. Bush
sent a letter to al-Maliki inviting him to discuss the crisis. Most don't
know that such a letter goes through a proofreader before it is released.
The
proofreader checks for grammatical, factual and logical errors and returns
it to the President. Normally, that document is never seen again, but we
managed
to get our hands on the first draft of the letter written by President Bush
to Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki.
Dear Prime Mister (Minister) al-Maliki,
First let me congratulate you on your extreme makeover. I noticed you
trimmed your moustache, lost some weight and shaved your hairline back a
bit. Even
those judges you're always yelling at will have to admit you look handsome.
(I'm not gay by the way.)
(Prime Minister al-Maliki has not undergone an "extreme makeover." You are
confusing him with Saddam Hussein, whom you removed from power. As a side
note
here, no one would purposely shave his hairline back. Also, I don't think
you will have to worry that the Prime Minister will think you're coming on
to
him simply because you're complimenting his appearance.)
A little bird told me your country is heading towards a civil war. That's
cool. We had one of those too. It's pretty crazy. If you're standing north
of
someone and they're standing south of you, you have to fight. It's pretty
confusing, but cool.
(First, a President should never say that "a little birdie" told him about
something crucial to world security. Second, a civil war is much more
organized
than your understanding. If what you're describing were true, everyone would
be fighting.)
There are several things you can do if you want to stop people from
punching, kicking, slapping, pinching, blowing up, bow and arrowing (this is
no longer
a common practice) and shooting each other (just say "if you want to stop
the violence"). First, have you checked your laws? Murder and attacking
people
without a license may be illegal in which case a lot of people could be in a
lot of trouble.
(Murder is illegal in every country and I am certain that the Prime Minister
knows that breaking the law leads to punishment. You're telling him
something
that even first graders understand.)
Also, have you tried shocking and awing them? Here's what you do. First you
surprise them-the shock-then you disappoint them-the aw. We shocked and awed
this one country, it was awesome. First we bombed the crap out of some city
and people were all like "Whoa man!" (the shock) and then they were like "Aw
man, they messed up all of our buildings!"(the aw). We never had problems
with that country since.
(First, it's "awe" not "aw." Besides, saying the Iraqi people were
disappointed with the destruction of their cities would be seen as an
insensitive understatement.
Second, the country we launched a shock and awe campaign against was Iraq!
Reminding the Prime Minister of this will likely infuriate him, since this
is
the reason his country is in turmoil in the first place.)
Hey, remember when we found you in that spider hole? (He's not Saddam!) Were
the spiders friendly to you or were they jerks? I woke up once and there was
a spider in my bed and he was a super big jerk. No matter how many times I
yelled at him to get out of my bed he wouldn't. When I finally decided to
use
deadly force he made a sneaky getaway. Apparently this spider had tied a
thin piece of string to my ceiling fan and when I looked up he had already
climbed
up and was sitting on one of the blades.
(This paragraph must be deleted from this letter. However, this is a good
time to point out some misconceptions you have about spiders. First, they
don't
have the capacity to be "jerks." They're just spiders. Second, spiders don't
tie strings around ceiling fans; you witnessed it making a web. I'm going
to send the head of the Department of Wildlife to your office tomorrow to
explain further.)
Anyway, I want to know if you want to get coffee or something to talk about
how bad your country is. If it would make you feel more comfortable, we
could
double up. I could bring the king of Canada and you could bring one of the
presidents of one of the bad guy countries. (I'm not gay by the way.)
(He's not going to think you're gay! However, this is not a date and you
don't need to "double up." Also, Canada does not have a king and telling him
to
bring someone from one of the "bad guy" nations implies that he is a bad
guy.)
I know we should meet some place neutral. I'm thinking the ocean or space.
Either one. Let me know.
(While meeting someplace neutral is a good thought, you can't go to outer
space and the ocean is not a good place to hold an important meeting.)
I've got to let you go, I have another letter,
(You don't need to make up fake excuses to end a letter.)
(On a positive note, I'm very pleased that you finally seemed to have
grasped the concept that Prime Minister al-Maliki's first name is not Al or
Albert
as you kept referring to him in meetings. However, this letter needs much
work. I'll revise it and get it back to you as soon as possible.)
Thomas (TJ) Olsen
Seton Hall University, (09)
SGA Senate (senator: Arts and Sciences, (Student Life Committee)
Peer advisor
Freshman studies
up till dawn entertainment chair
wsou news
tuesday mornings 6-9 am
http://www.liberatedairwaves.net
rebellions the knife's edge cut your own path
Liberated airwaves
http://tjolsen.net
my home on the web
tjolsen.net
aim: failurebydsign87
MSN: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
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