0. Introduction.
1. Power Outage APOLOGIES!
2. Awesome New PANEL!
3. Promo Codes That Give FEATURES!
4. A New Month, A New SUGGESTION VOTE!
5. DHSOTM!
########################################################################
0. Introduction.
Sneak. Sneak. Sneak. Sneaaaaak. Tip. Toe. Tip. Toe. Tippy Tip Toe. Tip
Toe. Creep. Crawl. Stealth. Dun. Dun. DUN. DUNNNN!!!! BAM! And just like
that, another DreamHost February newsletter has snuck up on you and
"kancho"-ed you from BEHIND! *IN* the behind!
Or really, it was the month of March that snuck up on you. Meaning ME.
Meaning, that's why this newsletter is "late". If you really consider
that February 29th is late. If you really consider 2007 *NOT* a leap-
year, which I thought congress changed last year to go along with the
leap-ing forward of daylight savings time.
OR really, maybe I'm just trying to say my THIRTIETH birthday snuck up
on me. Because, la de da, you're just humming along, it's February 25th,
you probably have, what, two weeks until March 4th, 2007, right?
WRONG!!!!!!!!!
YOU HAVE *ONE*.
And now, I have none. And now, to celebrate, I will skulk off to the
one and only ninja-themed restaurant that *I* know of, ninjanewyork.com.
Notice in the pictures on the website there are no ninjas to be found?
Exactly.
KANCHO!
########################################################################
1. Power Outage APOLOGIES!
Downtime gets me down.
Hopefully, since you don't run a web hosting company, it's not so big a
deal for you. Yeah, you can't check your email from midnight-5am Pacific
time one Sunday. Hopefully you aren't normally on the Internet then.
Hopefully, you're normally flipping from rooftop to rooftop, throwing
shuriken and eating pizza at that time.
Nevertheless, not everybody can be a ninja, a teenager, a mutant, or
even a turtle, and some of you may have gotten a little down this last
weekend when our planned power outage had a few unforeseen side-effects.
Which is why, we recommend you read this blog post about our new "SLA"!
http://blog.dreamhost.com/2007/02/28/super-lame-apology/
Uptime gets me up!
########################################################################
2. Awesome New PANEL!
Or should I say PAIN-el? Because that's what it's been, these last six
plus years, trying to thrash your way around through the overgrown
infestation of <FONT> and <TABLE> tags we dared to call our "Web Panel".
Well, as long as you're not using say IE 5 or Mosaic or lynx, what was
once a PAIN-el is now a FUN-el! With such amazing new features such as:
Gradients! Cascading Style Sheets! AJAX! Icons!
Which brings such amazing benefits to you, The Happy DreamHost Customer,
as:
Less Browser Compatibility!
Smaller Font Sizes plus Less Contrast!
A Snazzy "Web 2.0" Look!
The Feeling We've Actually Been Working on Stuff Around Here!
To really get the big picture, I recommend you read the blog post:
http://blog.dreamhost.com/2007/03/01/oh-yeah/
Well, really that was just a ninja whoring trick to get you to digg it.
To REALLY get the big picture, I recommend you just go try it out!
https://panel.dreamhost.com/
########################################################################
3. Promo Codes That Give FEATURES!
On top of the awesome benefits mentioned here-before in section 2, we
also have a couple new completely stupid benefits which I am obligated
via bushido code and court order to mention in this section as well as
the following section.
Perhaps a more talented newsletterer than myself would have chosen to
skip the pleasantries and just gotten right into the new features. Well,
that's the price you pay for outsourcing your newsletter writing to
Japan, and then paying per word. But at least we know our newsletter
will come on beautiful stationary.
HAI. The feature we are talking about can be seen under "Home > Rewards"
of our *NEW* panel:
https://panel.dreamhost.com/?tree=home.rew
Remember how you can "Create Your Own Promo Codes"? So like, you could
give somebody a promo code for like $20 off and then when they sign up
they get $20 off and you'd get $77 in rewards moolah? Remember?
Well, NOW you can create new promo codes that ALSO give bonuses in disk
and/or bandwidth and/or free domain registrations and/or free unique ips
all from that same place! For each 10% bonus you give in disk or bw, you
give up $9 of rewards money. For each domain registration, you give up
$15 in rewards money, and for each unique IP you give up $30 in rewards
money!
All those bonus features are good for the life of the hosting plan too!
If you can't get your friends to sign up with incentives like those,
there's really only one thing left for you to do to them.
KANCHO!
########################################################################
4. A New Month, A New SUGGESTION VOTE!
One thing we do value over here in Japan, is honor. Another thing is
loyalty. Let's get back to this honor thing, because it just reminded me
of an old dirty joke very popular in Kansai; "She offered her honor. He
honored her offer. And all night long, honor, offer, honor, offer."
Now, let's go back to loyalty. As I was saying, it is a complete
humiliation in Japan to not work at a single company your entire career.
It is the same deal with consumers as well. To be caught even
*contemplating* switching ISPs, cell phone providers, or even a sleazy
Web Host is to throw yourself to a lifetime of ridicule, celibacy and of
course, KANCHO!
Which is why in Japan, no web host needs to worry about rewarding their
loyal customers as they do in America. That'd be like rewarding a fish
for swimming, a politician for lying, or a DreamHost CEO for being good-
looking.
Lucky for you, YOU'RE (likely) NOT IN JAPAN.. because we've just un-
leashed the most kick-flip-iest loyalty reward _of our time_. Now,
instead of just getting 40 votes, period, in our cool customer
suggestions area:
https://panel.dreamhost.com/?tree=home.sugg
You now get 40 votes PLUS one more per month you've hosted with us,
forever! What we're saying is: The newer you are, the LESS YOU MATTER!
(We also went through a metric KANCHO-ton of old suggestions, so there's
plenty of new stuff to vote on!)
########################################################################
5. DHSOTM!
Now, those of you who have been paying attention (and I actually got 0
notices from customers or employees about this) MAY have noticed that
the DreamHost Site Of The Month winner for January 2007 was SUSPICIOUSLY
similar to the DreamHost Site Of The Month winner for December 2006. In
fact, IDENTICALLY similar.
The reason for this is simply that Josh Jones is dumb and forgot to mark
them as having won in December. So, when he went to check in January,
they were still the number one-rated site that hadn't won, so they won
again. Josh is SO dumb in fact, it didn't even ring any bells as he
whipped up an entirely NEW DHSOTM section for the EXACT same site, two
months in a row. In his defense, he was in Mexico. And Mexico has been
known to have that effect on people. It's sort of the anti-Japan.
In fact, this whole DHSOTM fiasco is why DreamHost decided to can Josh
from the newsletter writing job and outsource the whole thing to a lowly
Japanese salary-man like myself. We are the world-renowned leaders in
just-in-time newsletter manufacturing!
So, the REAL winner last month was actually:
http://www.lifeshots.co.uk/
Yet another photography portfolio site. And the money site this month:
http://stolenpixel.com/
A, um... photography portfolio site. Well, at least DreamHost customers
know what they like! And if you're it, submit it:
https://panel.dreamhost.com/?tree=home.dhsotm
########################################################################
Sayoooooonara,
Josh-o Jonesu-san!
P.S. ?????insourced ?????????????unsubscribe ??ungrateful ????????
https://panel.dreamhost.com/id/?tab=contact
P.P.S. those were supposed to be Japanese characters, but your computer
can't display them.
