Once again, here on TexasCaver as on TAGnet, my mere mention of religion has made me an object of religious persecution! (Though in a nice mild Christian sort of way) That the aforementioned incident with the missionaries did occur is apparently beside the point, for there are apparently some subjects that are taboo even among cavers. So here is some meat for the stewpot: I have met missionaries in the jungle on a number of occasions. In each and every case I have done what I could to hasten them on to either Hell or the stewpot as the case may be. These have included giggling lily white schoolgirls for Jesus in Belize, the somber Priests in Miasal Ecuador, but worst of all were the whackos I met on the north coast of Panama who were busy perverting the Guaymi Indians. The Guaymi are extremely hostile to outsiders, believe in a religion called Mama Chi in which Mama Chi and Jesus will soon arrive on a Kawasaki from outer space to begin the Apocalypse. They assumed that I was a missionary, so aside from telling me to go away they would say “Breadface, go east to your people on Pine Hill”, so I did. To my amazement there in the middle of nowhere were three tiny dead pine trees on a hill along with a cross. As I walked up they were busy teaching their captive audience (you want medicine?) all about Adam and Eve, and Jonah and the Whale. I asked what sect they belonged to, but they said they were not a sect but rather “Bible Believers” The glassy eyed pasty faced redneck missionaries were led by a charismatic megalomaniac who controlled their every thought. Kind of like Hale Boppers waiting for the comet. When I asked why they were teaching the poor Indian such nonsense he became irate and insisted that they needed to be saved. When I mentioned the fact that virtually everyone in Panama, including Indians, are already Catholic he explained that Catholics were devil worshipers who would all burn in Hell. There wasn’t much point in discussing theology with him, so we returned to the village where we had a dinner date with the leading Hispanic resident with whom we had a bizarre and extremely life threatening adventure the previous day involving my girlfriend's pants, a wad of cash, a tiny dugout canoe, and a huge storm at sea. We were celebrating our survival. He and his wife were quite modern and educated, he even had cold beer, hence his prominence! He asked about the Whackos on the Hill, so I told him how neither he nor his wife were Christians according to them. He was not at all pleased, narrowed his eyes, and I could tell that their tenure on Pine Hill would soon be coming to an end. Mission accomplished! So if you are Guaymi your choices are either Mama Chi or the Whackos. None of the Above is only available to persons such as myself. Ditto in Borneo where the once magnificent Kayan Headhunters have been reduced to sniveling wretches by missionaries. Their eyes are glassy too, just like the Mission Shuar. In their case it was a choice between Allah or Jesus. Since they love pork and hate Muslims, but love the Brits, Jesus was the easy choice. Now they don't dance, sing, play music, drink arak, explore, hunt, chop heads, carve sculptures, or anything else. They just grow rice, sit there solemnly, and pray. Their culture has been destroyed. What all these Whackos, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, and New Age alike all have in common is the unshakable belief that their particular set of superstitions is true and all others false. Many of them are good hearted people, but that doesn't change the fact that their belief system is toxic. Regardless of the denomination such beliefs are memes which spread like a disease. In doing so they eradicate cultural diversity, common sense, and science wherever they go. Much is made of religious tolerance, but enough is enough, my cup of compassion for the addlepated adherents runneth dry. Even the most cursory review of history will show that Belief in an imaginary Old Man in the Sky has caused more mayhem and misery than all other causes combined. It’s time to wake up, and to stop practicing “prior restraint” since the believers will not; so toward that end I flatly refuse to show any undue respect for the beliefs of those who suppose that the earth is a few thousand years old, who believe virgins are waiting for them in heaven, or that god has so many arms she can scratch her butt, pick her nose, and shoo flies from in front of her eyes all at the same time! I will agree with one thing however, the Mayans believe that Hell is cold. As a caver I completely agree! Sleazeweazel
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