I believe that I can speak with some authority in regard to eating rats and bats. I've already posed concerning eating bats in Borneo. Bats are easily the most disgusting thing I have ever put into my mouth, particularly when stir fried in a wok with wings, feet, head, and fur intact. Remember, the flavor of guano comes from the fact that it comes from bats, not because it is excrement. Rodents are another story, some are extra yummy, some are not. Standard rats are not particularly yummy, even when lab raised, as they have a very strong “gamey” taste. I know this because I once hosted a big “herper ” party here at Weazelworld that featured rats as the main course. After all, turnabout is fair play, and the guests had collectively fed over a million rats and mice to their snakes. The Gourmet Rodent, which is conveniently located near my home, is the world’ s largest rat farm. At any given time they have hundreds of thousands of rats and mice, all raised for the purpose of feeding snakes. I wanted nice fat gourmet rats, but unfortunately the management refused to sell them to me when they found out who would be eating them (themselves and all of their friends). They were also concerned that a horde of Chinese cooks with bent cigarettes, dirty aprons, and cleavers might storm the place once word got out. This forced me to go to Hogtown Herps, a decidedly downmarket establishment whose hygienic standards cannot be discussed on a polite listserve such as this. There I purchased several fine braces of jumbo rats, and a big basketfull of thumb sized pinkies. The jumbos were skinned, gutted, and barbecued, whereas the pinkies were rolled like little cocktail sausages on the grill. No one asked for seconds on the jumbo rats, but the pinkies were held in higher esteem by those who like extra greasy little weenies, which is exactly what they looked and tasted like. Unfortunately I had failed to gut them, thinking their little milk filled tummies to be of no importance. I quickly learned that the head and thorax were crunchy and good, whereas the bellies were a bit soggy with a taste not unlike that of a used diaper. So it was that a young lady passed through the crowd with a silver platter full of the little pinks. I selected a particularly succulent one, then bit down on the head and chest. As I did so a jet of hot baby rat shit squirted out of the abdomen and landed in the eye of another passing young lady. She was temporarily blinded and not at all pleased. Next time I will shop at the Gourmet Rodent where I have an account, and without revealing my intentions. Caviomorphs are a different story. Check your rat for a tail. If it has one you may wish to pass, but if it doesn't then chow down! Next time you are in either Ecuador or Peru exploring the caves east of the Andes make it a point to try Cui, a regional delicacy that is barbecued and sold in fine restaurants (such as they are). Here in America they are erroneously known as Guinea pigs. Rest assured that none have ever been to Guinea, or anywhere else in Africa. They are the only truly domesticated rodent, and do not exist in the wild. Beware the hideous piercing shriek as the Cui contemplates it’s fate on the plate. A dish fit for an Incan Sun God! When a Quetchua with a plateful of chewy Cui yells out “Pachamama!” it is merely enthusiasm for his dinner and praise for the gods, not an insult to your mother. But there is something better yet, the Tepezcuintle as it is known in Mexico, or Gibnut in Belize, is the world’s best bite. The real name is Agouti paca, which is extra confusing because the completely different Caviomorph animal commonly known as the Agouti is actually in the genus Dasyprocta. It is a yummy fast moving rabbit like creature, but not nearly as yummy as the Agouti paca which rather resembles a Schmoo. Nothing can equal the Gibnut! In Belize it is also known as the Royal Rat due to the fact that when The Queen came for a visit that is what she was served. It is a big fat chubby Guinea pig like creature weighing up to 25 lbs, every ounce of which is yummy. First you must acquire the Gibnut, so take your gun and dogs, then march through the jungle at night, being extra careful not to step on a Tommygoff (also known as a Terciopelo, equis, quatro narices, etc), because if you do there will be no dinner for you. I once smoked a Gibnut to death in its burrow with several Mayan Indians, a more traditional method. Once in hand, simply take your Gibnut and pour hot water over it. The hair will all fall off to reveal the succulent white fat layer which makes the world ’s best chicharones. Other than certain of the more unsavory gut items, and the hideous beefworm maggots in the skin, the entire animal is delicious! Do with it as you will. Not even Belizeans, whose National dish is called “Bile up” can screw up the cooking of a Gibnut. Belizeans rarely eat Gibnut because to do so they would have to go out into the jungle at night, which they will not do for fear of Tommygoffs, Duendes, Sisimites, and other spooks, so as a result Gibnuts are still common there. The Gibnuts feed the “Tigers” and the Tigers further terrorize the Belizeans who then emigrate to Los Angeles. So it is that the ecosystem remains balanced. Then there is the Capybara, another Caviomorph. A friend of mine found one dead on I-10 here in Florida. It weighed 120 lbs. Despite that, it should not be confused with the Chupacabra which eats you. Anyone for Chinese? Sleaze
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