Ten most common reasons why marriages fail
*Drawing from my experience as a marriage counselor, here are 10 common
problems that destroy marriages.*
*1. Poor boundaries.* Engaging in intimate conversations with members of
the opposite sex leads to emotional experiences that cloud judgment,
trigger fantasy life, and progress toward physical intimacies outside of
marriage.
The connection and acceptance found in an illicit relationship diverts
energy away from solving problems with one’s spouse. Confiding about
marital problems with a sympathetic listener provides a contrasting
experience to whatever dis satisfactions might be present in the marriage.
*2. Selfishness.* There needs to be fairness in the distribution of work
and responsibility within the relationship. This willingness to extend
oneself also pertains to meeting emotional needs. Placing one’s desires
consistently ahead of a partner’s emotional needs and responding only when
it is a matter of convenience, demand or negotiations leaves a spouse
feeling unloved.
If too many important needs are neglected over time, the unloved spouse
feels used or taken advantage of. Consistent lack of love interferes with a
spouse’s willingness to give unselfishly in the relationship. When marriage
partners don’t trust their needs will be met, they tend to meet their own
needs first and become hesitant to share freely of themselves.
Selfishness in its most destructive form involves control, manipulation,
jealousy, possessiveness, demands and abuse in order to get one’s way. In
milder forms, it is lack of consideration and respect.
*3. Disrespectful judgments.* Marriage needs acceptance, admiration,
appreciation and emotional safety. Feelings of anger and hurt follow when
the process of exploring differences or contrasting opinions consistently
degenerates into criticism, impatience, labeling, contempt, or discrediting
one’s thoughts or feelings.
It is disrespectful to try to change a spouse’s thinking by lecture,
ridicule, threats, brainwashing, or negative aspersions. These perceived
attacks on personality, character, intelligence or values undermine the
mutual respect that forms the basis of love. The tendency is to retaliate
in kind or else to withdraw and not share one’s ideas. It becomes hard to
love or give of oneself when one feels unfairly judged or mistreated.
*4. Explosive, angry outbursts or rages.* Anger can have a useful purpose
if it is listened to and leads to dialogue and constructive
problem-solving. However, anger can either create more anger or withdrawal,
both of which interfere with effective communications.
Unbridled and unpredictable tempers interfere with emotional safety and
trust when spouses need to engage each other on emotional issues. The
issues behind the anger get lost as the angry response is perceived as
unjust, abusive and unwarranted. It is intimidating and controlling.
*5. Lack of emotional intimacy*. The lack of sharing one feelings, goals,
hurts, struggles, joys and emotional details of one’s life lead to
loneliness and sadness. Feelings of friendship and partnership come from
being connected through interest, deep listening and empathy, mutual
support, and sharing perspectives as confidants.
Expectations for marriage include a desire for this soul-satisfying
experience of being known, understood, loved, accepted and valued for who
you are and having a place to turn for comfort and support. If this
component of marriage is lacking, marital partners feel cheated of the
essence of what they truly expect marriage should provide.
*6. Lack of affection and sexual fulfillment*. When needs for sex and
affection are not met, problems mushroom. Without affectionate gestures and
words, love seems hollow and not as believable. People don’t marry to get a
roommate. They expect to have an active and fulfilling sexual life. Chronic
anger and conflict dampen a couple’s willingness to be affectionate with
each other.
*7. Leading separate lives*. Relationships also suffer when couples don’t
mesh their lives through shared activities, recreational companionship or
spending enough time together.
Living too independently from each other takes away connection and joy from
the relationship. Couples need to function as a team when it comes to
parenting, managing a household, sharing finances, and relating to
relatives. They need to consult with each other about important decisions
and coordinate their schedules.
Time needs to be set aside to enjoy conversation, adventures, common
interests, vacations and fun. Time spent together should be anticipated
with pleasure. Without this component, couples drift apart and have little
in common.
*8. Communication is a painful process*. A marriage with too much conflict,
hostility, blame, criticism, defensiveness, and belligerent verbal attacks
seems like life with an enemy instead of a friend. Marriage needs to be a
place of safety, a haven, a place of love and refuge, not a war zone.
Always being “right,” being rigid, judgmental, or easily angered or flooded
with emotion disrupt communication before problems can be solved. Avoidance
of conflict is even a bigger problem as the emotional connection is lost
when couples don’t share opinions and attempt to resolve conflict. When
repeated attempts to solve problems fail, one partner gives up and starts
to withdraw emotionally.
*9. Destructive habits and addictions*. Addictions have great power to be
placed in front of the needs and happiness of a partner. Betrayal, hurt,
anger and pain follow the wake of addictive behaviour. Addictions need to
be treated to protect the integrity of the marriage.
*10. Dishonesty, laziness and other character defects.* Basic trust and
respect underlie love and form the basis of relationships. Lies, deceit,
disloyalty, secret habits, or emotional dishonesty about thoughts or
feelings destroy trust and respect. Spouses who willingly don’t take or
follow through with their personal responsibilities unfairly shift those
burdens to their partner. Marriage is a partnership between equals, not a
parent/child relationship.
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