[TMIC] Fw: Prednisone/Neuro/Devic's

[Grace]

My neuro's office phoned me today to tell me that he is adamant about reducing my prednisone dosage due to the thrush infection.  The nurse explained to me that if uncontrolled, it could become systemic and cause me no end of trouble.  I've told him on many occasions that I would much rather be taken out by superinfection, than to suffocate as a result of the Devic's and he does understand my position.  I realize that the result of my meds is an extremely compromised immune sytem, but I also know that this is what is keeping me from having another attack.  I can't go through another relapse, I just can't.  I can't.  I'm not mentally strong enough to face another bout of paralysis.  It had ascended up the cord during this last relapse, and I am lucky to be getting around.  I've got a 15 yr. old daughter that I have to finish raising----she's the light of my life, a good girl, good  academic record, active in school activities, but also manic depressive.  I have to be here for her, until she is capable of managing her disease on her own.    I HATE THIS.  I hate it and I hate me for carrying whatever antibody it is that caused this infernal disease.  I don't want it.  I can't do it.   I'm sick and tired of stumbling around falling everywhere, peeing and pooping myself, sleeping 24/7 because my meds make me so tired.  I'm sick and tired of people staring at me as I stumble around the stores leaning on my buggy trying to Xmas shop.     I want to be normal.  I want my life back.  I want to wake up in the morning and go to work, come home, cook dinner----like I used to.  The people in my life think that I am so strong---I'M NOT.   I am used up andtmic- sucked dry.  I hate myself.   I am too negative to participate in the list anymore.  I am a whining, crying baby.  All of you are coping with so much more and are so brave---I want to be like you, but I don't know how.  I don't know how.   Grace