Well Dex you are right - that was a laugh out Loud one. Oh my - we all need
a good laugh - thanks for providing us with one!
Linda
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Tuesday, June 20, 2006 11:09
PM
Subject: [TMIC] Fw: my son's lizard
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, June 15, 2006 7:56 AM
Subject: Fw: my son's lizard
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, June 15, 2006 7:57 AM
Subject: Fw: my son's lizard
See what you missed not having a son ++ Love ++
PCA
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, June 14, 2006 4:34 PM
Subject: my son's lizard
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone
through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!
Overview:
I had to take my son's lizard to the
vet.......Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son
came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking
sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best
lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One
of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the
lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's
having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert
and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "I thought we didn't want
them to reproduce" I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me
to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she
said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two
boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while
gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son
agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By
now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be
a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT
just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard
babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty
here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant
second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I
noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do
something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached
in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same
results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I
said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his
lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think
lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to
their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is
of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the
examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding
for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife
asked. > >"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is
not in labor. In fact, >that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a
boy. You see, Ernie is a >young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male >species, they um....um.... masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on >hisback." > >He blushed,
glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm
saying, >Mr.Cameron." > >We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my
wife >offered. > >"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved
that we understood. More silence. > >Then my viscous, cruel wife
started to giggle. And giggle. And then even >laugh
loudly. > >"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I >married would commit the upcoming affront
to my flawless manliness. > >Tears were now running down her
face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing >you pulling on
its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to >bellow in
laughter once more. > >"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the
Veterinarian and hurriedly >bundled the lizards and our son back into
the car. He was glad everything >was going to be
okay. > >"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done! ,
Dad," he told me. > >"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter. > >2 - lizards -
$140... > >1 - Cage - $50... > >Trip to the Vet -
$30... > >Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
pecker.......Priceless!!! > > Live Each Day to it's
fullest!! >
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