https://hypatia.ca/2016/06/07/he-said-they-said/
Leigh Honeywell
June 7, 2016
He said, they said
Content note for discussion of sexual violence.
"The problem with "open secrets" is that they are never open enough to keep
people safe :("
A number of people are now coming forward with details of the long record of
sexual misconduct committed by Jacob Appelbaum. The stories I have read are
entirely consistent with my own experiences being sexually involved with Jacob
in 2006-2007.
I am writing this under my real name because I am fortunate enough to be able
to afford to. I am lucky to have a stable economic and immigration situation,
and I am not close enough to Jacob’s world to be in any way dependent on his
opinion of me, or on the opinions of people who might support him. I know
that’s not true for everybody, and I recognize that many of the people speaking
up about Jacob’s abuse are marginalized – by state surveillance, by gender, by
sexuality, by geography, by poverty, and by other factors. I stand with their
decision to publish their accounts of his actions in a way that allowed them to
feel safer speaking out. I am also glad that Nick Farr has also felt able to
come forward with his own experience under his own name.
Jacob and I were involved on and off over the course of 2006 and 2007, mainly
spending time together at security conferences. During that time, I was also
seeing other people, with the consent and awareness of all involved. In that
time we spent together, he violated boundaries I set as though they were a
game, particularly at times when I was intoxicated. There were a number of
times I felt afraid and violated during interactions with Jacob. Being involved
with him was a steady stream of humiliations small and large as he mistreated
me in front of others and over-shared about our intimate interactions with
friends who were often also professional colleagues.
For example, on several occasions in professional situations, he told other
people that I was good at a particular sex act. On another occasion where my
primary romantic partner at the time, Paul Wouters, was also present, Jacob
ignored my use of a safeword when his sexual behavior turned into violent
behavior that violated my limits. Paul and I both had to repeatedly tell Jacob
to stop, and the experience was profoundly upsetting. I believe that one of the
common elements of Jacob’s abusive behavior is humiliating one or another
member of a couple in front of the other – as other accounts of his actions are
published, that is something worth watching out for. (NB: I am including Paul’s
name here with his consent – because that matters.)
Jacob was a charismatic and central figure in the security community I spent
the early part of my career in. Many of our friends and colleagues saw the way
he treated me and did nothing about it, so it took me years before I realized
how abusive he was to me. Until that realization, I remained “friends” with
him. It was witnessing his uncritical support of Assange and smearing of
Assange’s accusers – something I disagree with intensely – that made me
understand the true measure of his character. It was seeing him deny other
women’s experiences of sexual violence that made me fully realize how bad my
own experiences with him had been.
If you are horrified by this and want to take action, here’s what I suggest.
One final note of warning: I’ve noticed at least one person who also has a
history of sexual assault spreading word about the accusations about Jacob in a
supportive way. I just want to say that, like Jacob himself, simply talking the
talk about consent and sex positivity and “yes means yes” does not make someone
a safe person to be around. Watch for people using this technique to groom
future victims and don’t let someone’s words speak louder than their actions,
big and small.
Comments are open but will be heavily moderated. I would prefer that people not
contact me to disclose their own stories of mistreatment, as I am not
(currently) a trained counselor and am already struggling with the emotional
toll of publishing this. If you need emotional support, please reach out to
people close to you, a counselor in your area, or to the trained folks at RAINN
or Crisis Text Line.
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