By Aviva PatzMy mother's favorite motto -- "Nothing succeeds like success!" -- has driven me to accept nothing less than excellence in every area of my life. That's a good thing -- most of the time. People who expect too much of themselves and others are more susceptible to emotional and physical problems than those who are open-minded and flexible, according to research from Stanford University. The problem is not having high standards, per se; it's that these standards can keep you from being happy. The good news is that you can break out of the perfect trap and improve your mental and physical well-being. Read on to learn how to reap the rewards of a healthier attitude in key areas of your life. Your health: The pressure to be perfect -- an impossible goal -- causes undue stress, which leads to a host of emotional and physical symptoms including headaches, chest pain, depression, chronic fatigue and high blood pressure, according to clinical psychologist Stephen Hendlin, Ph.D. Un-perfect it: To preserve your health, Dr. Hendlin recommends trying to balance the need to achieve with quiet, self-nurturing activities, such as doing yoga, taking a leisurely bath, going on a solo walk or reading a fun book. "Perfectionists tend to consider sleep and other forms of self-nourishment a waste of time, but it's really important to take them seriously," he says. Far from compromising your efficiency, slowing down can help keep your blood pressure down and your energy levels up, meaning you'll actually be more efficient in the long run. Taking time to nurture yourself also ensures that you're not at a loss for ways to make yourself feel good when you're not being lauded for your accomplishments
Your emotions: Perfectionism causes major anxiety, according to psychologist Monica Basco, Ph.D., author of "Never Good Enough: Freeing Yourself From the Chains of Perfectionism." "The more you try to get everything right, the more anxious you get," she says. "You may be afraid that if you're not perfect, bad things will happen -- you'll be humiliated, you'll get fired, someone won't like you anymore." Un-perfect it: Acknowledge your expectations. "Once you say them out loud, they often seem silly," says Dr. Basco. "If you stop for a moment, you can see that there's a very low probability that your greatest fears will come to pass." For example, you may be nervous about a big presentation at work. But what's the worst thing that can happen? Even if you don't give a stellar performance, you won't lose your job. If the stakes are high -- for example, you're up for a review after the next big project at work -- then by all means channel a lot of energy into being first-rate. "Just don't waste your time trying to be perfect at all things at all times, because it'll only stress you out," says Basco. Your relationships: Striving for perfection can strain your relationships with family, friends and especially your partner. In a study published recently in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, Canadian researchers found that men and women who pegged their partners as perfectionists reported that they experienced more sarcasm, nagging and other conflict-creating means of communication in their marriage. The reason? Perfectionists are bad at compromising, so they use roundabout techniques to try and get their way. Un-perfect it: "To change perfectionist tendencies in your relationships, look for their deep-seated causes," advises study author Paul Hewitt, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia. What exactly are you looking for when you want people to meet your superhigh expectations? For some perfectionists, the desire for perfect (read: impossible) behavior on their partner's part is actually a way to avoid intimacy. Some perfectionist women may be driven to keep their homes immaculate and orderly because they fear that if they fall short, their husband won't love them and may even leave. Usually, these underlying issues are what you need to focus on -- through therapy or just talking them over with a confidant -- not the attainment of perfection. "You have to get real," says Dr. Hewitt. "Being perfect doesn't mean that people are more apt to care for you." Your career: Ironically, striving for perfection at work can actually compromise your job performance, says psychologist Lorri Lafferty, Ph.D., co-author of "Perfectionism: A Sure Cure for Happiness." "Because perfectionists equate their self-worth with flawless performance, they often dwell on trivial details and devote too much time to projects, which slows productivity," she explains. Perfectionists may also cover up errors to maintain a heroic image. Un-perfect it: "You need to realize that not everything on your desk is equally important," Dr. Lafferty says. Prioritizing what needs extra attention and what doesn't will make your workload and your stress levels more manageable. "Do the best you can to reach goals that are achievable, not ones that are downright impossible," Lafferty says. She also suggests writing down at least two things you liked about your performance on the job each day. "Maybe you made someone laugh, or you finished a project," she says. "Perfectionists are always dwelling on what's wrong with them or what they didn't accomplish. This is one technique to start paying attention to the positive." Sometimes good is good enough! |
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