Why real men don't use umbrellas
Cumbersome and unattractive, brollies quickly turn their gentlemen owners into wallies. Learn to man up and face the rain, says Michael Hogan Barack Obama knows that rain can't hurt him Photo: REUTERS <http://www.telegraph.co.uk/journalists/michael-hogan/> By Michael Hogan <http://www.telegraph.co.uk/journalists/michael-hogan/> 8:26AM BST 21 Oct 2014 Its that time of year again. Summer is over. The cover is back on the barbecue. The cricket whites are back in the kitbag. The Birkenstocks, Havaianas and Converse have been swapped for Redwings, Timberlands and Grensons. The central heating is tentatively turned back on (with frequent thermostat visits to check its progress, obviously). Yes, autumn has descended over our great nation like a damp leafy cloak, mid-weight mackintosh or other seasonally transitional garment. And with autumn comes rain. And with rain come umbrellas. And with umbrellas come my annual umbrella rage. Umbrellas annoy me. Ive always thought that umbrellas were inherently unmanly. As undignified in a man's hand as they are in his cocktail. I think slightly less of a man if I see him using an umbrella. I know, I know: its my problem, not his. Hes just trying to stay dry. But why is he so obsessed with this precious dryness? And is an umbrella really the best way? Whats wrong with a hat, a waterproof jacket, waiting for the downpour to pass or, hell, just getting wet? Umbrellas are fine for women: fragile creatures (I jest) who frequently have long or elaborate hairdos (I jest not). But for men who arent Peter Stringfellow, Jared Leto, Russell Brand or Kenny G? Not so much. An umbrella implies over-weening vanity and wimpish fear of the elements - neither of which are qualities to admire in ones fellow man. Umbrella (ella-ella) is a great pop song but theres a reason why it was performed by Rihanna. It wouldnt have been nearly as good sung by, say, Justin Timberlake or Pharrell Williams. Both of whom prefer a hat anyway. Theyre a social menace too. With their umbrella up, pedestrians lose spatial awareness, making it impossible to pass them on pavements without jeopardising ones optical safety. With their umbrella down, the collapsible truncheon-sized ones are fine but the walking stick-sized ones again result in loss of spatial awareness. Theyre often left dangling dangerously at knee-height or, even worse, crotch level. They turn our rain-lashed streets into a post-apocalyptic obstacle course. Umberella users suddenly open them on busy street corners, endangering the lives of twice as many passers-by. They close them with a shake in reception areas and restaurant doorways, showering bystanders. Rain is often accompanied by wind, which buffets brollies, turns them inside out and makes them even more treacherous. Its like the nation's mal-coordinated numpties have all been issued with super-sized ninja throwing stars. Then theres the golf umbrella: a one-man marquee, rarely used for its golfing purpose and more often as a weapon of mass destruction. The size of an Eastern European republic, they usually come in naff rainbow colourways or emblazoned with corporate logos which proclaim This was a freebie and Im a tight-fisted sell-out. You might as well carry aloft a Travelodge towel or a biro nicked from Argos. Umbrella-wielding men kid themselves they look like a City gent or nouveau dandy. They dont. They look like big jessies carrying a parasol. Men frequently bemoan the fact that theyve left their umbrella in the office, pub or on public transport. Take this as an omen. The meteorological and accessory gods are sending you a message. And that message is stop being a wally with a brolly. Im not a monster. Not a total brollyphobe. Of course there are times when its perfectly acceptable for a man to use an umbrella: when walking to a formal occasion and not wanting to get ones sharp suit soaked; when escorting ones mother; when walking romantically in the rain with ones lady and chivalrously holding an umbrella for two to become one beneath; graveside at a funeral; golf umbrellas actually being used on the golf course; if youre a spy with a poison-tipped one. The rest of the time, exercise caution and ask yourself a few searching questions. Do you really need an umbrella for a short stroll in light rain? Would a hood, hat or freesheet held over ones head not suffice? Would it not be rather bracing to get rained on for a short burst and arrive somewhere with an air of the outdoorsman, the weather-beaten warrior, with a slight facial sheen and rakishly slicked hair? If you must insist on an umbrella, is it the correct size and style? Are you carrying it with due diligence? Will an umbrella make you look like a dapper James Bond type or like an insufferable ninny who believes his own hairdo takes priority over other peoples physical safety? Sure, you can stand under my umbrella-ella-ella. Except I wont be carrying one. Lets get wet together like men. Thé Mulindwas Communication Group "With Yoweri Museveni, Ssabassajja and Dr. Kiiza Besigye, Uganda is in anarchy" Kuungana Mulindwa Mawasiliano Kikundi "Pamoja na Yoweri Museveni, Ssabassajja na Dk. Kiiza Besigye, Uganda ni katika machafuko"
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