What's Shame Got to Do With It? Forced Sex among Married or Steady Partners
in Uganda
Kathleen Cash
Independent Scholar and Executive Director: Appalachian Institute for the
Advancement of Women and Youth
African Journal of Reproductive Health
Women's Health and Action Research Centre
ISSN: 1118-4841
Vol. 15, Num. 3, 2011, pp. 25-41
Forced Sex in a Ugandan Marriage
Of married respondents, approximately 70% of women and 66% of men in Apac
and Kasese said they had experienced forced marital sex. However,
interpretations of sexual pleasure and pain are culturally and contextually
driven. A definitive line between forced and consensual sex is difficult to
extract from experiential data. It is often a porous and fluctuating one.
In customary Ugandan marriages, bride-wealth, gifts of cows, saucepans,
alcohol and money are given to the wife's family. The gift of money, in
particular, often involves lengthy negotiations. Respondents indicated that
the purpose of these gifts was to strengthen the relationship between these
families, show an appreciation for the daughter to her parents and to insure
harmony, and as a sign of respect and appreciation between a man and a
woman. Ordinarily after marriage a wife moves into her husband's village.
She is surrounded by her husband's familyhis mother, father, unmarried
siblings, brothers and their wives. Sons inherit family property. Daughters
move out. If a woman divorces, she must leave her children, once they are
weaned, with her husband's family. Men and women often agree that a woman
can never raise another woman's childimplying that if a woman divorces she
is potentially subjecting her children to a miserable fate if they are
raised by a stepmother: I cannot go and leave my children to suffer. Sex
within the context of a Ugandan marriage is an investment because it is
connected to land inheritance, primogeniture and generational continuity.
Fertility and a male child are essential. If a wife fails to produce
children, there is little recourse but divorce, abandonment or the
acquisition of a second or co-wife.
An expression commonly voiced by men and women during the interviews was a
man can have as many women as he wants but a woman can only have one man.
The application of this belief is unlikely because ordinarily any liaison
with a woman (outside of a wife or steady partner) must be met with regular
exchanges of money or gifts for sex. As one young man reported, his first
girlfriend's first words were: I will give you my vagina. What will you give
me? However, as another respondent commented, in times of scarcity women
tend to reduce love. For many men, having as many women as they want is
unaffordable (an obvious explanation) and sexually unattainable (a
well-guarded secret).
One man explained: My aunt said to make sure you satisfy a woman sexually so
that she does not go in for other men. A woman concurred: My aunt told me
sex is the most vital reason for marriage. Never turn your back on your
husband. If the man is not served, he might die due to high sexual demands.
She told me I should sleep with my legs open. I should satisfy him sexually
by allowing him to play sex anytime he wants. So that's what I do.
However, it is culturally legitimate for a woman to refuse sex under certain
circumstances. During the interviews, researchers asked, When does 'no' mean
'no' and when does 'no' mean 'yes'? According to men and women, 'no' means
'no' when a woman is menstruating, when she is sick, for example with
malaria, or immediately prior to or after childbirth. One man said, When she
refuses sex, the first thing that comes to mind is that she is menstruating.
So I have to touch her private parts and see whether I can feel the pad. The
other thought is maybe she is sick. Under these circumstances, it is
prohibitive for a man to have sex with his wife and acceptable for a wife to
refuse her husband sex.
Outside of these circumstances, a wife's sexual refusal of her husband is
fraught with ambiguity. When 'no' really means 'no' is complicated by when
'no' sometimes means 'yes.' This man explained: To me, a woman's 'no' is
always a 'yes'. Every woman has to say 'no' first. But later she admits.
When she is trying to overlook me, then I have to force her to do it. Sex is
the reason I married her.
Both men and women spoke about women pretending to refuse sex or saying 'no'
as a way of cultivating a husband's interest. Ordinarily a married woman is
not supposed to ask for sex directly: I am not a prostitute...he would think
I was a prostitute (said women) and only prostitutes ask for sex (said men).
One man said: There is no single minute when a woman can say 'yes'
immediately as you demand sex from her...you may say that she is a sex
worker. Even though she gives it to you, she has to first refuse and then
gives in. Men respondents stated that most women pretend that sex is against
their will.
An element of pretense, playful refusal or teasing is meant to encourage a
husband as this woman reflected: Women may need sex but they are not open,
unlike men. At times for women 'no' might mean 'yes'this is how she feels
inside. It is like she is testing you. Men agreed that being tested meant he
had to prove himself: A woman says 'no' at the beginning. I penetrate her
and she changes her mind; she starts to pick interest or change her mood. If
you take her 'no', she thinks you are not manly enough.
Respondents perceived differences between consensual or negotiated sex and
forced sex in which there is no negotiation. One woman's advice was: Never
say 'no' because then there is 'no' negotiation. However, the absence of
negotiation does not necessarily mean the absence of pleasure, according to
men, who said things like: At first she is dry and penetration is difficult.
You harm her and she expresses pain but then she lubricates after some time.
Similarly, women respondents said that even though they resisted sex and
were forced, eventually they experienced pleasure: When my husband has sex
against my will, I do not do it with morale. I leave everything to the man
and I do not support him in the game. I give him an under-dose. But
sometimes when I am forced into sex, I feel interested towards the end and
the body responds.
Some female respondents said that even though initially they refused sex and
it was forced, they accepted it and at times felt pleasure because I
realized that this is my husband. This knowledge disassociates forced sex
from rape, which is done by a stranger. This view is compounded by a belief
stated by men: Some women need to be forced because they cannot express
their sexual need. Women voiced a similar opinion: Women cannot express
sexual wants to their husband and pretend they don't want and yet they want.
Then they have to be forced.
Therefore, does a husband really not know when 'no' means 'NO' and 'no'
means 'yes'? According to many respondents, the physical response of women
is a clear indication that 'no' is 'NO': When I have forced sex, there is no
time I can enjoy it. When I don't want it, I really mean it and there is no
way he can bring me to the mood. I am dry. Some women fight back physically
with chairs, pots and other implements. Other women talked about locking
their legs (contrary to the aunt's advice to keep one's legs open). This man
talked about fighting his wife until she opens her legs: I tell my wife that
sexual intercourse is a major contract I have with her. I force my wife to
have sex because she refuses to negotiate without any reason. I pull and
twist her hands until she opens her legs for my sexual thirst.
Women explained how they 'freeze' during forced sex to show no response: I
never liked it because your desire is not there. Even he, himself, does not
enjoy it. It becomes useless and he decides to leave me if he needs active
sex playing. And yet in Uganda 'dry' sex or sex without lubrication is not a
positive cultural value or considered sexually pleasing for either the man
or the woman. Interviewers asked respondents about their experiences of pain
during or after sexual intercourse. Pain, bleeding or wounds during
intercourse were experienced by 60% of respondents. Of these, 51% said it
was due to forced sex.
Generally, most men said that when they force a woman to have sex they
experience pain because of lack of vaginal fluids and too much friction.
They said: I develop small wounds on my penis and I have pain when sex lasts
too long or the woman is too dry. And: My penis is burning. Women said
similar things: With forced sex, you have swelling of private parts,
bleeding and severe pain. And: Forced sex is because there are no
fluids...it is really painful.
Two expectations set the stage for forced sex: the sexual rights of a man
(that men can have many partners and women only one) along with the
illegitimacy of a wife's sexual refusal (except for prescribed times).
Ironically, the HIV/AIDS epidemic, by reducing the former, has reinforced
the latter: If my wife refuses to have sex, I force her because she is
violating my rights. I don't have a casual partner because I fear being
infected and then infecting my wife.
Whatever expectations and obligations surround marital sex, the
emotional-relational reality is often otherwise. Social expectations set
against intimate partner relations lay the groundwork for the shame of
forced sex. This man expressed his shame: My wife does not enjoywe both get
cuts on the private parts resulting in pain. For unforced sex, she produces
fluid. I look stupid for it is not her right to refuse sex. I feel
rejected--that I do not satisfy her, that I do not know how to play sex. I
feel despised, overlooked and I want to divorce. Likewise, this woman shared
her shameful feelings: I can't go digging the next morning. Whether I am
tired or not, he likes playing sex and sometimes I hate him for that. I
don't want to tell him but I feel bad. I feel like vomiting. It's the same
as rape. You can't be pleased. It is sex without consent.
Primary Reasons for Forced Sex
Research findings suggested five primary and interrelated reasons for forced
sex in marriage: the absence of sexual pleasure, pregnancy, poverty,
infidelity and alcohol consumption.
Absence of Sexual Pleasure: In the literature on violence toward women there
is little mention of women's need for sexual satisfaction, her frustrations
when her husband is unable to fulfill her sexual needs and how the absence
of sexual pleasure can lead to sexual violence. In the interviews, women
spoke about the importance of sexual pleasure and their anger at its
absence, the most vivid being women's frustration with male impotence:
Sometimes he experiences impotence and I feel angry. I say, 'Do you think I
am not a woman? Am I not nice sexually?' He does not please me during sex.
In drinking groups, men explained how they counsel each other about
fulfilling their wives' sexual needs saying things like: If your wife
doesn't want to wash your clothes, try to see that you have satisfied your
wife's sexual desire by making her reach an orgasm. But some men, such as
this one, accused his wife of having too much desire: My penis softens. We
fight because she thinks I have someone outside. I refuse sex because I am
tired from fishing. She has too much desire.
Behind sexual refusal or lack of desire is the lingering belief that one's
partner has someone else: I feel useless. He does not want to play sex with
me when he has fulfilled his desires with other women. I said, 'You don't
want to play sex with me? Why did you bring me here?
While impotence might signify male infidelity, this man stated that it just
shows a lack of interest. Ironically, his lack of interest is cause for
mistrust of his wife: My wife would do well to begin to trust me. Impotence
in me has no special issue. It just comes when I am not interested. She
thinks I am having sex outside. I am suspicious when my wife goes to do work
without my permission. She pretends to be busy. I think my wife has love
outside because of money and whenever there isn't enough sex exercise. In
Uganda, impotence is believed caused by a curse from a disappointed or
jealous partner. Impotence is thought to be induced by a wife trying to
reduce her husband's philandering, for example, by putting something in his
bed, food or tea (prescribed by a healer) to make him stay at home and love
only her. Likewise, both men and women seek out remedies so they can go to a
casual partner without their husband's or wife's interference.
Respondents complained that their partner was sexually uninteresting and
unresponsive. They sought out a casual partner although they, too, were less
attentive to a steady partner: With my causal partner, you have sex many
times and you show her many skills so you can win her but with an honest
wife, you can just have sex with her once and you sleep without showing any
skills.
Of the married female respondents, approximately 26% said they had or
currently had a casual partner. They offered the same justification as men
for having one: I meet my casual partner and escape when my husband is not
aware. My casual partner starts by playing with me and kissing me. But my
husband only says 'turn to me' without love. With my causal partner, I will
be smiling but not with my husband. Women friends also advocate to each
other: If your husband has another partner, get one as well.
A man may feel obligated to have sex with his wife or fearful that if he
fails to have sex with his wife, she will go elsewhere. Coupled with this is
the fear that a man's child might not be biologically his. Men told each
other: If you abuse your wife by missing her sexual interest then if she
gets pregnant, you should not blame her that this pregnancy is not yours.
However, the absence of sexual pleasure can result in sexual refusal. This,
in turn, can provoke a man to force his wife to have sex: Nowadays when I
feel like having sex with my wife, she tells me that she does not have
desire to do it. So there is a lot of pressure and I find myself forcing her
to have it. She does not even show me the way. She even refuses to kiss
me
hence I have to quench the thirst of my penis.
Unfortunately, when a husband refuses sex, there is little recourse for his
wife. Forced sex is a male prerogative as this woman states: Men are not
forced into sex but they are good at forcing. When my husband wants sex and
I do not want, he just forces me into a position for sex. He does it alone.
Sex is painful. I get annoyed and feel disrespected. I wish it would end the
moment it starts. When I am the one who wants sex, he is not in the mood. He
ignores me saying I do not have the right to demand sex. I am interrupting
his sleep.
Pregnancy: Pregnancy is a legitimate reason for a woman to refuse sex;
however, it puts enormous stress on marital relations. This man recounted:
When my wife is pregnant, I am not at peace. When the pregnancy is almost
six months, she does not want to see me for when she sees me she begins
spitting and she says she feels like vomiting. So we separate our beds and I
can't even touch her. Most of the duties like preparing meals are done by
me. When I feel like having sex, I look for other means. She quarrels and
asks where I have been. She keeps saying she is aware that I had sex out.
Then I tell her that since she can't allow me to have it with her, I have to
go outside to quench my thirst. Then she cries and wants to end. She cannot
eat meals I have prepared for her and sleeps without eating. During
pregnancy, my wife said she does not mind if I am imprisoned.
Women confirmed these men's experiences: I did not want him to stay near me.
He smelled bad and it made me vomit. We separated beds. I would write things
for him to do. The child in my stomach made me behave like this.
An expected period of sexual abstinence extends until a wife recovers from
childbirth. With this, men feel shame as expressed by this man: After
childbirth, I face a lot of problems with my wife. She says I am foolish and
stupid. When I tell her she is smelly and dirty, she tells me that I am
supposed to wash for her. I feel bad and become small and wish to slap her.
I think of chasing her away but she is weak and I forgive her.
Pregnancy is often a time when husbands seek out other partners--providing
another woman with money and going elsewhere for sex: She begins arguing a
lot so I increase going to have sex with other women. It's my only
alternative. The last three months are months of war. My wife hates me very
much.
Men spoke about how cruel their wives were during pregnancy saying that she
was lazy (not wanting to dig, wash clothes or care for the house) and rude.
One man said: I want to fight her but I might hurt her. However some react
violently to rejection as this woman described: I was pregnant. He slapped
me because I refused to wash his clothes.
While women expressed feelings ranging from distaste to hatred for their
husbands during pregnancy, they were caught in a quandary knowing that their
sexual refusal encouraged their husband to go elsewhere for sex: Pregnancy
made me hate him. Although I did not want to share a bed with him, I did not
want him to go to another woman. He said, 'I can't stay like this'. I said,
'If all children make you behave like this, then I will not produce because
it makes you leave me.'
During a second or later pregnancy, some husbands find a permanent second
partner or co-wife: I married the second woman because the first woman would
make me starve sexually during pregnancy. She never wanted to have sex. She
complained of stomach pains after I had sex with her. I decided to marry
another so when she is about to give birth, I shift to another one for sex.
Women fear that a casual sexual contact her husband made when she is
pregnant will turn into a permanent one: When I became pregnant with the
third child, the problems started. He started sleeping out. When he comes
back and I ask him where he slept, he shouts at me that he has a right to do
anything he wants. He even refused to eat my food and bath and play sex with
me.
Alternatively, some men force their wives to have sex during pregnancy:
During my wife's first pregnancy, she refused sex with me and this was the
worst thing. I then had to force her to do it and we would do the act when
she was crying.
Women spoke openly about the pain of forced sex during pregnancy: Sometimes
he forces me when I am pregnant. It is painful and afterwards I feel like
beating him. You feel like you want revenge and blood comes out of your
private parts.
This woman expressed her ambivalence about having sex when she did not want
it mixed with feelings of guilt about rejecting her husband: During
pregnancy, I experienced sexual abuse. He forces me into sex saying I am his
wife and therefore I have to serve him no matter what I am going through.
During pregnancy, I became arrogant and rude. I do not care who I try to
control. He had no other partner and needed sex badly.
Nonetheless, forced sex during the latter months of pregnancy or after
childbirth is customarily prohibited. Men fear parents, in-laws or neighbors
finding out they forced their wife into sex during this prohibitive time.
Not having a legal recognition of marriage can contribute to the frequency
of forced sex and the unraveling of a relationship as this man described: My
wife has no energy during pregnancy. Things are not easy for her. I am tired
of forcing her to have sex. One time I threw her property out and told her
to leave during the second pregnancy. I locked her out and brought a new
woman for four days. I told her that I have not taken anything to her
parents. I don't even know them. So I can't confine myself to her.
Poverty: In rural areas men and women are expected to contribute to the
household in different ways: I expect my husband to sell thing like goats,
chickens and even produce millet, maize and cassava and simsim. If my
husband doesn't meet these needs we quarrel. In many families the husband is
expected to buy things for his household(s) and pay school fees for the
children. Women are often expected to dig and take care of gardens, wash
clothes, prepare food, sell things in the market and care for children and
in-laws. Ordinarily, men control the household's cash flow.
Many respondents said poverty contributes to quarreling: I am not able to
meet my wife's demands like buying meat or salt during time of poverty. I
become rude so that she stops demanding what she needs. Poverty or the
inability to fulfill his family's and his wife's (or wives') needs weighs
heavily on some men. This man said it is the loss of things his wife was
used to that has caused problems between them: I became broke and my wife
started initiating baseless quarrels. This happened when I desired sex. She
said things like: 'I can't show you my thighs because you have not bought me
fish or knickers or...' Before I became broke, she would ask for something
and I would bring it and then, even if I am asleep, she would wake me up and
touch my private parts especially my penis. When I realized she changed
because of becoming poor, I started fucking her with force. She told her
aunts about my sexual abuse.
To explain why their marital relations broke down, men frequently used the
phrase being undermined, which means being shamed. Men said that when they
fail to meet their wife's financial needs, they become hostile to their
wife. But in their words: The woman is really undermining the man. This man
explained: Poverty contributes to abuse when they demand money or need to
buy salt, clothing and medicine...then you as a man fail to meet their
demands. Because of this shame, you end up exchanging bitter words and then
there is abuse. If the woman thinks she is boss of the family, she
undermines her husband.
In some cases, a man may have money but he withholds it. This respondent
explained what she did: When my husband has money, he does not want to give
it to me. When he refuses to give me money, I say, 'icamo anywari'no sex
for that day or that week. I told him, 'You can now play sex with that money
of yours.'
In addition to sexual refusal, women commonly shame men when they do not
provide by refusing to offer them food. As this woman related: When he does
not meet my financial requirements, I do not give him food. I say to him,
'You cannot eat what you have not worked for.'
Nevertheless, as this man stated, unlike a casual partner, a wife,
regardless of economic hardship, is bound to her husband. Divorce is not a
socially accepted option for a 'good' married woman: I get problems with my
partners when I call them for sex and I don't provide either food or money.
In times of scarcity, women reduce love. After I am broke, my partners want
to look for other partners, but my wife persists.
A casual partner is not obligated to have sex if the man does not provide.
This respondent explained the shame he feels when his casual partner refuses
him sex: With a casual when I meet them I go with fish or a bunch of
'matooke'. I have to. Whenever I don't provide meals, she threatens to leave
me. She can't allow me to have sex with her. I feel ashamed before her.
Since I have not fulfilled my duty to give her food, she can refuse sex. She
looks big and strong and I feel tortured in my mind and say nothing but
emotionally I am not myself. I can't get to sleep. I can't force her to have
sex.
In a marital relationship, however, when a husband is unable or unwilling to
provide, sexual refusal can lead to forced sex: During the absence of basics
like food, clothing, soap and other things...my wife starts disrespecting
me. When I assign her work, she does not do it saying the soap is not enough
for washing clothes but only enough for bathing. Then I force her to have
sex. It is my responsibility to purchase everything for the household
Often a man's inability to provide is due to his infidelities. His support
of another partner is usually an economic loss for his wife's household.
Sexual refusal allows the wife to let her husband know his infidelities are
causing her hardship. Unfortunately, he may resort to violence: Whenever my
wife says 'no' to sex, her complaint is always that I have given her
nothing. Our money is spent out with casual partners. Hence I believe that
poverty contributes to this. Whenever a woman does not respect her husband,
there is war between us. Undermining brings a lot of problems...since as a
man, you can't be happy when a woman puts you under her control. I have to
force her. If she runs away, I lock her out.
Infidelity: Although poverty may ignite shame-provoking interactions, the
underlying issue may be a partner's infidelities: When my wife refuses sex,
I think she has learnt that I had sex outside. It's me to decide on having
sex and her duty is to give in. There is much pressure being extended on me
by my penis. I find myself forcing her.
Yet a husband's infidelities are expected: Having a partner outside marriage
is normal if the man can fully support the woman at home. What hurts me is
that my husband is failing to support his family and now he puts another
burden on us.
Interview data revealed that infidelity led to more often to incidences of
domestic violence than to sexual violence. Men sometimes erupt into extreme
forms of violence and abuse when they suspect their wife has another man.
Women warn each other: If you love outside, don't show him or he might kill
you.
This man told what he did when he suspected his wife was unfaithful: I met
my wife standing with a man. She pretended she was fetching water. I greeted
them. I wanted her to recognize me as I passed. I got a good stick. As soon
as she reached home, I shouted at her asking what they were talking about.
She told me that the man wanted her to get him a wife to marry. When I heard
this, I started beating her seriously. The next morning she went to the
clinic for treatment. I caught her red-handed. The main problem is
undermining not poverty. Once a man sees his wife trying to overlook him, he
has to make sure that his wife can realize that he is her husband.
Questioning a husband's fidelity can lead to domestic violence. One woman
shared her experience and feelings of shame: When my husband had love
outside I asked him and he slapped me and said, 'Why do you ask me such
questions! Shut up!' Then I told him if it is not true why do you slap me?
He said, 'A wife cannot ask her husband about his love outside. You don't
have control over! I can chase you away and bring this woman you are talking
about.' I told him I am not going away. When he has money, he does not want
me to know. I struggle on my own making brew.
But men also fear that their wives might divorce them because of their
infidelities. To remedy this, men seek out the services of healers: I
planted herbs under my bed so that however much I have sex with other
ladies, my wife says nothing. She can't think of divorcing me. I tied her to
my house. This has let me do whatever I like. Behind the belief that a man
is entitled to as many women as he wants is the subliminal fear that if a
husband is unfaithful, his wife might be as well. Some men believe that it
is not normal for a woman to have more than one partner, so a wife who takes
a causal partner must be seeking revenge: It is not normal for a woman to
have more than one husband. For revenge she went to the market and came back
late when she was drunk. She was drinking with a former boyfriend though she
said it was her brother. I think she is doing this because she thinks I have
a casual partner.
A man experiences great humiliation when his wife has a casual partner: My
wife goes outside sexually. I sleep and when I wake up in the morning, my
wife is gone to the garden. Many people have told me about her but I have
not seen it. When I think my wife is having sex with other men, I feel like
dying. This is a very great abuse.
Men repeatedly said that a wife's infidelities are not normal and if a wife
does this, the man can divorce her. Some men monitor their wives behavior
closely, such as looking for the purchase of things that she would not have
money for herself. Some women stated they are under constant surveillance:
If I buy a dress, he asks me where I got the money. When he refuses to show
up at home, I demand an explanation but he tells me that as a woman, I
cannot ask for explanations.
Men talked about catching their wives red-handed (a common expression when
infidelity is discovered). If he catches her, he can legitimately divorce
her and receive economic compensation because it is unlawful for a man to
have sex with another man's wife. Though women said when they love somebody
'outside', they buy you clothes and money is given to you. When a wife is
caught red-handed, both men and women agree on this: It brings shame to both
of us. Women counsel each other about the dangers of having sex with another
woman's husband: I tell my friends to be careful if you love someone else's
husband. If a wife learns, she will beat you or burn you with boiling water.
They say they will continue because their husband loves other women.
Rumors about a wife's infidelity can cause violence. Men who travel rely on
other people to keep tabs on their wives while they are away: When I reach
the village, people tell me stories that my wife is going with other men.
Some people try to break up marriages with rumors as this woman experienced:
My husband was working far away. He came back and people told him I was
loving someone. My husband divorced me. This brought me shame. People said
he will come back but I waited in vain. This affected my life because my
children are not with me. I really miss them.
Men said they are pleased because their children resemble them or ashamed
when their in-laws or others say the children do not resemble them. The
implication is that his wife has been unfaithful to him. One woman stated:
They say the child does not resemble the family. My husband is ashamed.
An accusation and counter-accusation of infidelity and the potential for
sexual violence is mitigated by fear that a wife will report her husband: I
am tired and he wants to play sex. He accuses me of infidelity because once
he saw a man in the compound. I say, 'What you have said is not good.' He
say, 'I know why you are sleeping with the children. Come and settle it now.
You see...I have left that woman.' Then he keeps quiet if I threaten to
report him.
Men said they assume their wife is unfaithful depending upon how often she
refuses sex with him. Even with this assumption, a man may refrain from
forced sex because he fears clan elders, in-laws or his parents might learn
he forced his wife to have sex: If my wife refuses to have sex with me for
no good reason, I can conclude that she has another man who has satisfied
her sexually and she does not want more sex...so I will send her back to her
parents. I do not force my wife. I do not want her to report that I forced
her.
Alcohol Consumption: The possibility of a man forcing his wife to have sex
increases dramatically when he drinks alcohol. Approximately 65% of the men
who had forced sex with their wives said alcohol use was a contributing
factor. One woman commented: When he is drunk, he forces me into sex. He
does not reach orgasm early but delays. He does it as if he is pumping a
borehole. I fear people knowing that when he is drunk, I experience hell on
earth.
This man said: After alcohol, I feel sexually stronger. I have sex with my
wife for many hours but we quarrel because she tells me that she is tired. I
find myself forcing her into the act against her will. I feel this is
violating her sexual rights but I married her for the purpose of satisfying
my sexual needs.
In addition, other factors contributing to forced marital sexabsence of
sexual pleasure, pregnancy, poverty and infidelityare further aggravated by
alcohol use. First, respondents talked about the inability of men to satisfy
their wives when they are drunk: When he is really drunk, my husband forces
me to have sex but he does not satisfy me because he does it for a few
minutes. Not surprising, impotence is related to alcohol consumption: I
stopped drinking because of lack of sexual commitment. When I drink, if my
wife wants to have sex, the penis does not erect. When I don't fulfill my
wife's needs, we feel embarrassed.
Second, men who drink also are more likely to ignore the customary
prohibitions against sexual intercourse with one's wife: When he is drunk
and I am menstruating, he forces me to have sex. The whole bed is full of
blood. I showed him
This woman described how alcohol use led to forced sex
after childbirth:
Sex during the two weeks after childbirth is painful. He does it when he is
drunk. It is against my will and happens after a long struggle. He says
having sex during these weeks is a way of child spacing. During pregnancy,
he has sex outside saying he doesn't feel comfortable having sex when I am
pregnant. Sometimes I feel unwanted and treated like something that can
never feel pain. He says I am pretending to be weak. It is not my intention
to feel weak after childbirth.
Third, alcohol consumption depletes money that should be spent on household
needs. One woman explained: Money goes for drinking. I say, 'you spend money
on drinking and yet we have to plant.' This has adverse effects for the men
as well: I told her if she continues, I will beat her and chase her away
because she feels I do not satisfy her needs. It is not normal for a person
to love a different person from her husband. I think this had to do with
overdrinking...my drinking was spending a lot of money that could be used
for basic needs.
Finally, alcohol contributes to infidelity, forced sex and domestic
violence. Men said that when they are drunk, they must have sex
immediatelywithout negotiation. Male respondents said things like: When I
am so intoxicated, my mind is only sticking on having sexual intercourse. If
I ask my wife to fulfill my sexual desires and she replies, 'The child is
nursing', then I ask her to come with the child.
Men are more likely to seek casual sex or have sex with whomever is
available when using alcohol:
If you drink where there are women, you tend to get a woman right away. But
if you don't drink, I am not tempted for sex. I have sex normally when I
don't drink but when I drink, I tend to force my wife and the process is
rough and there is little enjoyment. Alcohol brings a lot of violence. You
don't provide for your family and you fall in love with other women.
A further consequence is that men who drink alcohol do not practice safe
sex: Alcohol increases my risk because I don't remember to put on a condom.
Yet I do have sex with people I don't know. When you are drunk, you forget
about AIDS and just go in for unprotected sex.
Sex takes on dire consequences when a man comes home to an angry wife after
he has had sex at a trading center with a casual partner: My wife refuses
sex when I come home late when I have a lot of alcohol. She complains
because it means I have been fucking other women. When I disappoint her, it
is because of things she has done to annoy me. I force her especially when
she has annoyed me. Sometimes it is true. I may have played sex outside
marriage and I feel I don't want more sex with her. Women as well spoke
about their frustrations when their husband was unable to have sex with them
because he had had sex with a woman at the trading center.
The conundrum of relational failures may spiral into acts precipitated by
anger and rage. Some men find relief from frustration by drinking alcohol
with the intention of revenge: Before I say anything to her, I have to drink
first. Then I come back and attack her. After drinking, I feel strong and
fit to fight her. But when I am not drunk, I do nothing. Anger combined with
alcohol results in rage directed at women: When I'm angry, I call my wife
and talk to her about what she is doing. When she argues and assumes she is
right, this increases my anger. I just keep quiet. We sleep and the next day
I come back with a full tank of drink and hit her to make her believe that I
am the head of the family and it's me who makes family decisions. When she
is angry, she refuses me sex. Then I force her to have sex to show her my
manhood. I even tell her the vagina is mine.
Being intoxicated dis-inhibits behavior that would ordinarily cause
embarrassment: When I am drunk, I feel very sharp (all shyness goes away).
Then I am free to talk about sex with my wife. When drunk, I feel on such
days that I satisfy my wife sexually
. I feel shy before her without
alcohol. My problem is that when I am drunk everything becomes 'yes'.
Decreasing inhibitions also frees men to force sex. Physical, relational and
psychological injuries are inevitable as this woman stated: When my husband
is drunk, I fight so that he does not penetrate me. I try to keep my vagina
closed. So it is hard for him. I cannot produce fluids. Man takes a long
time to penetrate. There is a lot of pain with a dry vagina and a lot of
force needed to penetrate me.
Eighty-six percent of male respondents reported drinking, saying that
boozing is the only option if one is to have friends. Alcohol consumption is
a means of socializing with other men and is essential to Ugandan culture.
EM
On the 49th Parallel
Thé Mulindwas Communication Group
"With Yoweri Museveni, Ssabassajja and Dr. Kiiza Besigye, Uganda is in
anarchy"
Kuungana Mulindwa Mawasiliano Kikundi
"Pamoja na Yoweri Museveni, Ssabassajja na Dk. Kiiza Besigye, Uganda ni
katika machafuko"
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