Dear Adeline:
I've just moved into my DARLING charming and elegant old fixer-upper in
UC Village (of course it's in the Catchment Basin for the new Judy Rodin
School of Disembodied Poetics) and it is simply GORGEOUS! Only one problemo --
the kitchen and bathroom floors simply WON'T DO!! I mean, they've got those
stinky white vinyl blocks and crappy tiny tiles -- you know the kind that
I mean? So like positively RETRO! I mean, we're talking SO twenty seconds ago,
know what I mean? What do YOU advise?
Also, while we were moving in my boyfriend got mugged RIGHT ON THE FRONT
STEPS!! I mean, I thought this was a nice SAFE neighborhood!! Of course I got
a description of the PERP and I cellphoned it to Mommy RIGHT AWAY! The guy was
of course a big scary black fellow, about 6 feet 9 inches tall, really
dark complexion, thick lips, scars all over his body, wearing this creepy gray
hoody kinda thing. OH, and I jotted down a DISTINGUISHING MARK -- he had these
big white buck teeth and in the middle of the left front incisor he had this
HOLE chiseled out in the shape of a HEART! And he kinda lisped. And he said
his name was Frank. So hopefully the police can put away this evildoer PRETTY
SOON. I hope! Or we might have to consider moving back to Narberth. I mean,
jeez, our real estate agent told us this was a SAFE neighborhood.
FINALLY, the old bathtub has about sixteen legs, a layer of thick green
moss all over it, and big scary hairs growing out of the bunghole. OF COURSE
the first thing I thought was like this has SO got to be replaced, but then my
boyfriend was flipping through the recent issue of Urban Homes and Gardens and
he saw where these Yuppies in Detroit had their old 16-legger refinished and
they redid the whole bathroom in sort of New Age/Art Deco style and won the
Suburban Plastic Cheese award, so can you give me any advice?
ALSO, my hind end is getting sorta saggy, I mean I AM almost 30 years old
now, so I was wondering is there a good Nip 'n Tuck place in the Hood? Of
course I make an annual trip to Singapore for you know like augmentations and
such, but for say a monthly toneup I'd like to use some local craftsman.
Do you know any good pizza places that deliver? And where we can get the
Beemer serviced? And speaking of servicing, can you tell me (just between us
girls) where el boyfriendo can get a nice BLOW JOB? I mean, you know
how men are these days, and I really find that kind of stuff kinda
DISTASTEFUL, know what I mean? Plus Arthur always wants me to swallow, and I'm
like YECCH, gag me with a spoon. So I was reading in COSMO that nowadays young
wives are like "OUTSOURCING" these unpleasant domestic duties and I figured in
a hip and trendy neighborhood like UC Village there MUST be a service.
Guess that's about all I can think of right now. At any rate, I'm trying
to think and nothing happens. Thanks for all the inside TIPS! Luvya. Ciao,
babe.
