Re: [UC] Well, maybe Eric's leaving wasn't such a disaster for UC after all

[Benseraglio2]

Re UC Village Crime Statistics (December 2003)   Back in College Hall, President Ramsbottom was grilling the head of the University Police. "Damn it Eric!" she expostulated, spilling her second margarita. "When are you going to get on top of crime in the Village? You think setting up a Mennonite coffeeshop on 43rd and Baltimore is going to keep those restive darkies under control not to mention the anarchists and graduate students? Look, when I took office here at Penn ten years ago I vowed to clean up University City Village and make it a hip and trendy neighborhood to rival Harvard Square. Hear me? Hip and trendy, with a subtle soupcon of le bohemien! Here it is ten years later and all I see on the Baltimore Avenue business corridor is hair braiding salons, stop-and-go delis, and one stinking Mennonite coffeeshop. Now you listen to me, Mr. Obergruppenfuhrer, and you listen good. I want some tangible results by the end of the year or you're going to find yourself running some hick Keystone cops outfit out in Dartmouth or Cornell -- if you're lucky!" She slammed the table with her open palm for emphasis. "Peter, fetch me another damn margarita!" "But Dr. Ramsbottom -- I mean, Top Banana. Muggings on the perimeter were down by five this weekend. Rapes were down by two, not counting date rapes. Just give us a little more time -- we've laid the groundwork. Those Market Forces are bound to ride into town any day now." Tiny rivulets of sweat were dribbling down Hohenstaufen's fat forehead. "Oh rubbish," observed the swarthy Italianate Vice President. "You really still believe in that Market Forces nonsense? Next you're going to tell me the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus are going to come and gentrify West Philly." "And we all know there ain't no Sanity Claus. Heh." remarked Stetson Graykirk. "Oh shut up Stetson! Look, gentlemen -- and I use the term advisedly -- the bottom line is we get some upscale shopping on the Corridor -- lingerie boutique, flower shop, Amish barbecue -- I don't care what it is as long as it says hip and trendy -- the bottom line is we get some gentrification on Baltimore Avenue by the end of the year or you bozos are going to be out on the streets looking for jobs at Community College. Do I make myself clear?" She collected her margaritas and stormed into her inner office, banging the door on her way out. Ross Bender http://rossbender.org/gentrification.html     In a message dated 11/22/2004 4:56:10 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes: John Fenton of UCD just sent me this: Crime in University City Year to Date Violent Crime is down 6% Property Crime is Down 5% Overall Crime is Down 5% This area has come a long way in crime reduction, "BUT" we still have a lot of work to do.