OK I'm liveblogging from the recovery room. Things didn't work out quite as planned. I arrived at 8 ack emma with my posse, which comprised my videographer, my agent, my publicist and a few fly chicks I like to have around for atmosphere and to feed me grapes while I'm on the operating table.
First big hitch was that they weren't going to allow my posse, much less my videographer, into the OR. When he heard all the fuss, the presiding colonoscopist looked at my papers again and said, "Oh, are you THE Ross Bender?" I allowed as what I was, and that was all she wrote. He called in an airstrike of UCD thugs who hustled my posse into some back alley and smacked them upside the head until they agreed to go peacefully. Turned out that the doctor has this little racket, making HD videos of the colonoscopies of the rich or famous, then selling them on eBay. He said he has to have a sideline to put his two daughters through Cornell and maintain his summer home downna shore. Of course I tried to negotiate, saying I'd sic my lawyer, Sharky Uyehara, on him but he just laughed scornfully and yelled "Shoot him up, Nurse Duckett!" At that point I figured that discretion was the better part of valor, so I just muttered: "The gloves are off. See you in court." He laughed derisively and pointed out that not only were my gloves off, but my pants and most of the rest of my clothing was off too. Anyway, the anesthesia started to kick in, and it turned out to be some pretty righteous stuff. I commented on this and the doc looked pleased. "Yes, it's my special blend of opium, pureed hibiscus leaves, and Wyamine." All in all the "procedure", as they call it these days, was actually pretty mellow, and I scored a vial of the anesthesia to take home with me. -- Ross Bender http://rossbender.org/irkswatch1.html
