Mario Giorno wrote:
You have way too much time on your hands.
I, for one, like extended pieces of comic writing and argument. They
reflect thought, care, and effort.
But there's always room for the old standards. "You have way too much
time on your hands." When is that _ever_ not funny?
On 2/27/07, *Kyle Cassidy* <[EMAIL PROTECTED]
<mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]>> wrote:
> From [EMAIL PROTECTED] <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
>
> "from an article about the continuing battle being fought by
Penn Grad
Students
> for enough of a stipend to pay for the escalating costs of living in
University City"
So insidious is this plot, and so well crafted that even Al is now
thinking of Penn students not as entitled, over-privileged whiners
with
dad's credit card, but instead the hard laboring hoi polloi,
scratching
out a living in the hardscrabble wilds of West Philadelphia,
barely able
to afford a Fu Wah hoagie. It's time for this conspiracy to be
unmasked
and the members of the responsible Penn cabal held in the bright light
of truth.
Let me show you how it works:
1) Penn spends millions of dollars on a PR campaign and security
blitzkrieg to make west Philly "safe" past 40th st.
2) Students scramble from their tiny hovels in center city to the
luxurious spaces of west Philly, enjoying driveways, back yard
bbq's and
concerts in Clark Park.
3) Landlords, drunk with power, raise rents 300% over a period of six
years, using this windfall to buy more property and renovate existing
spaces into bacchanalian bourgeoisie paradises.
4) There is a veritable windfall for those who install recessed
lighting
and under-floor heating.
5) Penn unleashes their secret "pincer" movement -- they open up a 400
bed hi-rise dorm on campus, located immediately adjacent to quietly
installed amenities such as a used book store, used record store,
ritzy
theater, mid range Mexican restaurants and grocery store.
6) Penn hires goons to cause a well publicized mini "crime wave"
on the
edge of campus.
7) Penn opens the new dorms advertising "stop paying those
inflated UC
rents, get rid of your car and walk to everything! 43% safer than west
of 40th!"
8) A sudden mass exodus of Penn students from the carefully renovated
apartments of West Philly creates a property vacuum.
9) Unable to pay their mortgages as rents in the hood plummet back to
1997 rates, landlords begin to default on their loans. The whole house
of cards begins to unravel.
10) Penn buys up the defaulted properties at pennies on the dollar,
driving landlords and real-estate speculators from west Philly like
whipped dogs and cementing their hold on 72% of all residential
properties in the area, now with recessed lighting and under-floor
heating.
11) Penn spends millions of dollars on a PR campaign and security
blitzkrieg to make west Philly "safe" past 40th st......
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