Here is an alternative version (that includes Pierre's feedback) for the very first statement:
"Apache OFBiz™ is an open source software product for the automation of enterprise processes that includes framework components and business applications for ERP (Enterprise Resource Planning), CRM [...]" For the remaining text, I would keep Adrian's version (based on Ron's initial text). Jacopo On Sep 5, 2014, at 10:12 AM, Pierre Smits <pierre.sm...@gmail.com> wrote: > Hi Ron, > > Nice going! > > Who is the intended target audience? The message on the page should reflect > that. > > Here is my version of that first statement: > > Apache OFBiz™ is an open source enterprise suite of business applications, > that includes solutions for ERP (Enterprise Resource Planning), CRM > (Customer Relationship Management), E-Business / E-Commerce, SCM (Supply > Chain Management) and Warehousing, MRP (Manufacturing Resources Planning), > MMS/EAM (Maintenance Management System/Enterprise Asset Management), POS > (Point Of Sale), and so on. > > OFBiz™ provides all the building blocks for reliable, secure and scalable > enterprise solutions. Use it out-of-the-box, customize it or use it as a > starting point to even implement your most challenging business needs. With > OFBiz™, you can get started right away without the huge deployment and > maintenance costs of traditional ERP solutions. As your business grows, > extend the functionality to meet your more sophisticated needs. > > Apache OFBiz™ is licensed under the Apache License Version 2.0, and the > project is part of the Apache Software Foundation. > > > After that I would invite the reader with read-on links to get more info on: > > - the business angle - e.g. descriptions of the available > apps/components/solutions (e.g. for the key decision makers in the - > prospecting - organisation) > - the development/implementation angle - e.g descriptions of how the > OFBiz product is designed, etc. > > Best Regards, > > > Pierre Smits > > *ORRTIZ.COM <http://www.orrtiz.com>* > Services & Solutions for Cloud- > Based Manufacturing, Professional > Services and Retail & Trade > http://www.orrtiz.com > > > On Thu, Sep 4, 2014 at 9:16 PM, Ron Wheeler <rwhee...@artifact-software.com> > wrote: > >> The opening description at http://ofbiz.apache.org/ violates Apache's >> trademark policy is some very minor ways. >> >> "Apache OFBiz (The Apache Open For Business Project) is an open source >> enterprise automation software project licensed under the Apache License >> Version 2.0. By open source enterprise automation we mean: Open Source ERP >> (Enterprise Resource Planning), Open Source CRM (Customer RelationShip >> Management), Open Source E-Business / E-Commerce, Open Source SCM (Supply >> Chain Management), Open Source MRP (Manufacturing Resources Planning), Open >> Source CMMS/EAM (Maintenance Management System/Enterprise Asset >> Management), Open Source POS (Point Of Sale), and so on. >> Apache OFBiz is a foundation and starting point for reliable, secure and >> scalable enterprise solutions. Use it out-of-the-box (OOTB) or customize to >> suit even your most challenging business needs. With OFBiz in place, you >> can get started right away and then grow your operations as your business >> grows, without the huge deployment and maintenance costs of traditional >> enterprise automation systems. >> Apache OFBiz is a project of The Apache Software Foundation." >> >> could be modified to be >> >> "Apache OFBiz, the Apache Open For Business package, is an open source >> enterprise automation software product that includes ERP (Enterprise >> Resource Planning), CRM (Customer Relationship Management), E-Business / >> E-Commerce, SCM (Supply Chain Management), MRP (Manufacturing Resources >> Planning), MMS/EAM (Maintenance Management System/Enterprise Asset >> Management) and POS (Point Of Sale) functions. >> Apache OFBiz provides a foundation and starting point for reliable, secure >> and scalable enterprise solutions. Use it out-of-the-box or customize it to >> suit even your most challenging business needs. With OFBiz, you can get >> started right away without the huge deployment and maintenance costs of >> traditional enterprise automation systems. As your business grows, extend >> the functionality to meet your more sophisticated needs >> The Apache OFBiz project is part of The Apache Software Foundation." >> >> This meets the need to protect the Apache OFBiz trademark by defining it >> as a "package" rather than a "project". Projects can not be trademarked >> (according to Apache) so the definition of OfBiz must define it as a thing >> - "software", "package" or "system" are possible. >> >> I also changed CMMS to MMS since the full name is "Maintenance Management >> System". Not sure if someone wrote CMMS on purpose and forgot to add the >> "C-word" to the definition. >> >> I removed the repetition of "Open Source" since it applies to all features >> and just makes the sentence very hard to read. I would suggest putting the >> features as bullets to increase readability but that is a question of taste >> and how that would look on the page. >> >> I removed the "OOTB" since term is not used later on the page and just >> interrupts the flow for no benefit. >> CRM - Relationship is one word and the "S" should not be capitalized. >> >> I split the second last sentence to make the sentence easier to read. Is " >> extend the functionality" an appropriate way to express the idea implied in >> the original sentence. >> >> How does this look? Have I screwe up anything? >> Are there any other ideas that we should include in the opening >> introduction to OFBiz? Typical customers or some guidance about the target >> market? >> >> The bullets in the second column repeat some of the functionality >> description is this section. >> They seem to be selective without a balance between the major >> functionality listed in column 1. >> >> Ron >> >> -- >> Ron Wheeler >> President >> Artifact Software Inc >> email: rwhee...@artifact-software.com >> skype: ronaldmwheeler >> phone: 866-970-2435, ext 102 >> >>
