Suvishe mali attach! Treba neshto vecce da bih ispizdeo opet! N.P. Anthrax - Stand Or Fall (live)
----- Original Message ----- From: "Dragana Novakovic" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: "yumetal groups" <yumetal@yahoogroups.com> Sent: Friday, October 21, 2005 12:31 Subject: [YUmetal] Literatura za oputanje > Evo vam malo Shiva da se opustite veceras pred > spavanje a i attachment da nervira Milosha ;-) > > > > > __________________________________ > Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005 > http://mail.yahoo.com > > > Stay Metal, > YU Metal. > Yahoo! Groups Links > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- > THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN > > Day One: > Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good. > Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it. > Still not King. > > Day Four: > Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. > Not King yet. > > Day Six: > Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. > Yes! > Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back. > Still not King. > > Day Ten: > Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog. > Not King today either. > > Day Eleven: > Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. > Legolas may be hotter than me. > I wonder if he would like me if I was King? > > Day 28: > Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I > make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off. > Still not King. > > Day 30: > In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. > Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. > Took a shower. Yay! > But still not King. > > Day 32: > Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. > Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. > I think Legolas might be kinda gay. > Nope, not King. > > Day 33: > Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good. > Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am > now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. > Not so sure about Gimli either. > RIP Boromir. > Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might > however have been blood loss. > > Day 34: > Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? > My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? > Not so sure about me either. > Still not King, goddammit. > > ====================================================================== > > The Secret Diary of Legolas, son of Weenus > > Day One: > Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow > some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important > mission > - gold ring so tacky. > > Day Four: > Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate > all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow > insisted we climb back down. > Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me! > > Day Six: > Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid > I am developing a tangle. > Orcs so silly. > Still the prettiest. > > Day Ten: > Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a > spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for > 500 > years or more. > Still prettiest, despite blasted spot. > > Day Eleven: > In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. > Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same > look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used > her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. > I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one > strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now? > Still prettiest by far. > > Day 30: > All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. > Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam > will kill him if he tries anything. > Still the prettiest. > > Day 33 : > Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as > already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite. > Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself > "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have > super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming. > > Day 35: > Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get kissed by > Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows > around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. > Cannot understand it. > Am feeling a pout coming on. > Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each > other, rather cute really. > Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can > see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. > Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times. > > ====================================================================== > > The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor > > Day One: > Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He > thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet > on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, > defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't > mean that....what? > Got distracted there for a bit. > Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by > Aragorn's enormous...rudeness. > > Ooops. > > Day Three > Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship. > > Day Four > Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. > Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved > right up his... > > Stupid Ring. > > Day Four: > Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. > Ha Ha! Ha! > Sam will kill him if he tries anything. > > Day Six: > Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." > "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying > to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring." > Blatant favoritism most annoying. > > Day Ten: > Why isn't Aragorn into me ? > > Day Eleven: > Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. > Kind of liked it, actually. > Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. > Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little > things, too... > In other news, Gandalf died. > > Day 30: > In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to > my rugged yet unwashed manliness. > Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy > git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose. > Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of > time he did not mean with each other. > Stupid Aragorn. > > Day 33 : > > Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must > admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. > Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little > cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.) > Aragorn would be jealous. Ha! > > Day 35: > Killed by orcs. > Stupid orcs. > > ====================================================================== > > THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS: > > Day One: > Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam > gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so > wonderful. > Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am > assured it has something to do with Elf medicine. > > Day Three > Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad > move. > > Day Four > Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount > Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn > on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought. > > Day Six: > Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt. > He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call. > Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything. > > Day Ten: > Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. > Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too. > It must truly be an object of awesome power. > > Day Eleven: > Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy > wizard hat not just for show. > Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar. > > Day 24 : > Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to > find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately. > Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go. > > Day 27 : > Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but > she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, > Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave > her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some > kind > of breeches shortage in Lothlorien. > > Day 30 : > Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me > a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is > not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor > other parts. > Pippin does remember we're cousins, right? > Right? > > Day 33 : > Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am > fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, > as Boromir quite huge. > > Day 36 : > Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. > Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those > platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at. > Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite > fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet > quite a turn-on. > Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway. > > ====================================================================== > > THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE > > Day One: > Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it > would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die. > Did I say that out loud? > > Day Three: > Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. > Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty > clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. > Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite > enough, Samwise Gamgee. > Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age. > > Day Four: > Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet. > > Day Five: > Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty. > Gandalf no fun at all. > *sulk* > > Day Six: > Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to > why his fingers are all wrinkled. > Decided not to tell him about all the baths. > > Day Seven: > Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. > Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful! > Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall. > > Day Eight: > Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me. > Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my > Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with > small men in shorts. > > Day Nine: > Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will > kill him if he tries anything. > > Day Ten: > V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn > every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark. > Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later > about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young > hobbit from Shire not versed in wordily ways. > Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli. > Ick. > > Day Fifteen: > Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. > Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference > would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on > stilts. > Hate Pippin. > > Day Twenty-Two: > Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady. > Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere > water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as > get to share boat with Mr. Frodo. > > Day Twenty-Three: > Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of > course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was > trying > to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know > that's a big fib don't we. > > Day Twenty-Four: > Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something. > Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs > cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well > as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren > wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm. > We will see about that. > > ====================================================================== > > THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY > > Day One: > In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or > was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came > along? > > Day Two: > Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. > Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad > either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover. > > Day Three: > Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin. > > Day Twelve: > Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody > tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown > probably stealing paper out of my inbox again. > > Day Thirteen : > > Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good > for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs. > > Day Fourteen : > Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if! > > Day Sixteen : > Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were > not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay > you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before. > > Day Nineteen : > Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving > Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond > getting annoyed. > > Day Twenty : > Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able > to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have > agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a > bath. Could use one. > > Day Twenty-One: > Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. > Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're > not serious." Useless git. > > Day Twenty-Three : > V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry > Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about > on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff. > > Day Twenty-Five : > Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still > angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age. > > Day Twenty-Six: > In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry. > > Day Twenty-Seven: > Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable > things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to > tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged > in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant > third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not > laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend > with Sauron. Ha! > > ====================================================================== > > THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRINE TOOK > > DAY ONE > > Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a > nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed > by Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly > familiar and grabby. > Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot. After > he found one that was just the right shape, too. > > DAY TWO > V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly > sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking > me for unusually lifelike lawn ornament. > > DAY THREE > Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas > seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I > admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like > pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep. > > DAY SEVEN > Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed > his hair. Is really starting to bother me. > > DAY NINE > Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go > for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of > Gondor. Can't wait. > > Later that night > Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon > armies of the West? > Apparently not. > V. educational, all the same. > > DAY ELEVEN > V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir > cannot corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up git > with hobbit fixation. Pot calling kettle black if you ask me. Aragorn > obviously way into Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he tries > anything. > > DAY THIRTEEN > Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn's boots, thus explaining > why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf. > Aragorn still hasn't washed his hair. > > DAY FOURTEEN > Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship, > Legolas took off all his clothes and performed scenes from > Silmarillion: The Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off > to have 3,000-year-old elf prince sulk. > > DAY FIFTEEN > Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath. > Now understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things > than Orcs. And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have > nightmares for weeks. > > DAY SIXTEEN > Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah. > Maybe it really was him under all the bubbles. > > DAY TWENTY > Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course, > Merry also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total bastard most of the > time, actually. > Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted. > > DAY THIRTY > Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got > himself shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes. > Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says > we may have to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking > forward to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir. > > ====================================================================== > > THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WHITE > > DAY ONE > > Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous > letters to > Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru. > > Perhaps will have a look at the palantir. > > DAY TWO > > Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not > just > because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like. > > DAY THREE > > > Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except > of one > v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps > hairy. > Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably > cool it > for a while. > > DAY SEVEN > > Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. > Just my > luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just > disembodied > force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the > earth. > Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy. > > DAY NINE > > Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted > to yap > on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy > hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off > and > remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an eyeball. Well, > Saruman the > White does not stand for this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling > Federation > moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me. > > DAY THIRTEEN > > Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. > Should > have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more > effectively, and > would not have to wait until after breakfast. > > DAY FOURTEEN > > All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly. > > DAY FIFTEEN > > Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will > save me > daily stair climb. > > DAY SIXTEEN > > Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip > with > four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh bother, that's > Aragorn > son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whinging about not being > King > yet. Then there's a shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or > maybe > it's a dwarf. > > What a bunch of yobbos. > > DAY TWENTY > > Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious > experience > as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and > flowers. Next > time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerleaders to > create > super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink > uniforms. > > DAY TWENTY-TWO > > Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so > darn messy. > Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided to be Saruman > the > Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the > slime. > > DAY TWENTY-FOUR > > If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick? > > DAY TWENTY-FIVE > > Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously > fancies > trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. > > DAY TWENTY-FIVE > > Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with > one of > the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one who > has long > wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that "Gondor" sounds just > like > "gonad" and they should find less silly name? Perhaps it is just me. > > DAY TWENTY-EIGHT > > Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir > convinced > smallest hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not laughed so hard since > set > Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with > restaurant > bill. Palantir great. Better than cable. > > > > THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI SON OF GLOIN > Soon I will run out of characters. This one's for Alex Malfoy, who does not > like it > when the Fellowship is bitchy. :D > > > THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI SON OF GLOIN > > DAY ONE > > Grr. Argh. > > DAY TWO > > Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have > asked > Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without > being > subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is > ridiculous. Got > splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky > and > conditioned. > > > DAY THREE > > Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning. > What WERE > they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they can't > even > grow decent beards. > > DAY SEVEN > > Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely > ignoring > hottie elf fiancce in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in > leather > breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her > loneliness. > > Later. > > Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me! > > DAY NINE > > Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin > will > not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and > poncy elves > than hang about Rivendell taking about 'our relationship.' > > DAY THIRTEEN > > V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the > mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair > braided > just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in > his > trousers. That's right, Isildur's Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, > these > people. > > DAY FOURTEEN > > In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that > cousin > Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have > occurred to me > that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. > Still, > cannot be expected to keep track of everything. > > DAY FIFTEEN > > Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on > rocks. > Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor > into my > solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear > thinking > about if not. > > DAY SIXTEEN > > Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries > anything. > Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lech. > Legolas then > asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all > that Elvish > poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for > illicit > spanking games. > > DAY TWENTY > > In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling > and > Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing > fancy, > just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for > everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was > Celeborn. > Cannot much tell difference with elves. > > DAY TWENTY-TWO > > Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. > Hobbits > looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get > near > Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, > so will > see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for > warrior-bonds between men. > > ====================================================================== > > THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK > > > DAY ONE > > Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not > actually all > that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and > lathered up. > Became even more suspicious when "washing dishes" punishment followed by > "polishing > Gandalf's staff" punishment and "massaging Gandalf's feet" punishment and > "nude > leapfrog in the cabbage patch" punishment, I mean, who's he trying to kid, > really? > Especially with the foot thing. > > DAY TWO > > V. promising start to day when discovered carrot that was just right shape. > Even > more promising when Pippin nabbed six cabbages, two bags potatoes, and three > ears > corn, although cannot help but think Pippin being slightly over-optimistic. > I mean, > could probably manage two ears corn, but not before breakfast. > > All went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough > trade, > whoops, loyal manservant Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from > extended > cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in v. surprising butch moment tossed Pippin > down a > cliff. In ensuing scuffle carrot was broken. Am v. sad. > > DAY THREE > > > Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by > overdressed > and v. crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles. As told Gandalf > "The Gray" > earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if Frodo avoiding bad breakup > or > jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the rage up in Hobbiton > currently, > although would not go in for that sort of thing myself. > > DAY FIVE > > Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of > disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not > that > anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed in his room instead of going > back to > own perfectly nice quarters, then hung about all night most likely hoping > for mad > hobbit foursome under the sheets. Didn't happen, but did have to spend all > night > hanging on to Pippin's belt to prevent him from climbing right over Sam and > onto > Frodo. Does Pippin have death wish, or what? > > DAY SIX > > Was woken up most unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying > human. Told > him to sod off and he said "That's not what you said last night." After > moment of > confusion realized he thought I was Pippin. Explained. Human slunk away, > most > embarrassed, after explaining, "I'm really meant to be King, you know." Sure > he is, > and I'm the Elf Queen of Mirkwood. > > DAY SEVEN > > In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing > noises all > night long and strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery. Woke up last > night > only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me. Extricated himself > with much > embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was groping under bedsheets was not > Pippin. > Have decided to invest in name tag. > > DAY NINE > > Have fixed carrot with special elf glue. Go me! > > DAY ELEVEN > > Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what > will > happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course > kill > him if he tries anything. > > Hope he tries something. > > DAY FIFTEEN > > Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle, always > dropping > sword down trousers and asking us "little ones" to come and get it. Boromir > had a go > at ruffling Frodo's hair today and Aragorn almost snicked off his head. > Humans so > amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his morning exercises today but > managed > to distract him with an eggplant. Do not know what will do when run out of > vegetables. > > > DAY SIXTEEN > > Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old 'Horn of > Gondor' > trick. Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this once. > > > DAY NINETEEN > > Am in bad mood. Boromir called me "Pippin" at most inopportune time. Pointed > out to > him that I am Merry and that we have been conducting meaningful relationship > for > three weeks, but he just laughed and patted my head. Realize he actually > cannot tell > me apart from Pippin either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit > forever, even in matters of romance. Am considering dramatic haircut, > perhaps mohawk > of some sort. > > > DAY TWENTY > > Got mohawk but no one can see it as is v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is > difficult to > keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke up to discover Legolas sneaking under > covers with > me. Told him was not Pippin. Legolas said, "Not much difference really, eh?" > In > ensuing scuffle broke my carrot again. Gave to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, > "Fool > of a Took! I have better things to do than mend your vegetables." Did not > correct > Gandalf, as am afraid of pointy hat. > > > DAY TWENTY-TWO > > Gandalf fell into shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to > comfort > Pippin, but Pippin far more cheered by Legolas' nude rendition of > Silmarillion: The > Musical. Could not watch myself ? far too many high kicks. > > > DAY TWENTY-EIGHT > > > In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves and a woodchuck last > night, > all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere to be found, probably off > with > Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck awfully persistent. Perhaps?.no, > certainly not. > > > DAY THIRTY > > Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have to shag > our way > out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he realizes I meant he > will have > to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition, orcs have given me brand > new carrot > as reward for my having painted large yellow target marks on Boromir while > he was > not looking. All in all a v. good day. > > ====================================================================== > > V. Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5 > > Day 1 > > Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty > ring! > > Day 1,000,967 > > Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per > usual, Sauron > ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I detest this life > of vile > servitude. > > Still disembodied. > > Day 1,001,056 > > V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v. > annoying as > Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul > for a > triple word score. Yeah, I didn't think so. > > Day 1,001,102 > > Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying > ceremonial > sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be v. happy when he has body back and can > really > dress up again. > > Day 1,001,105 > Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been given orders to > sally > forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit friend, who have > somehow gotten > hold of Ruling Ring. Witch-King of Angmar's suggestion to place pictures of > Ruling > Ring on milk cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored. > > Day 1,001,106 > > Have been given brand spanking new horse. > Not for spanking, of course. > Go me! > On minus side, still disembodied. > > Day 1,001,107 > > V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of > giggles > while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three > "companions." > > Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty lower > lip, > rather than possession of heroic-type > fortitude. > > Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in > Bree. V. > much looking forward to post-slaughter > booze-up. > > Day 1,001,109 > > Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs. Generations of pervy > Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the > Ringbearer. To combat disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by > Sauron, > spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders v. informative. > Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick) > Killed: 17 human men. Go us! > > Day 1,001,115 > > Have been following Isildur's heir and pack of Hobbits for six days. > Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. > > Day 1,001,116 > > Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all > wonky and > possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did try to kill me although > did not > notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on. > > > Day 1,001,119 > > Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur's Heir today. Was so busy laughing at > concept of > Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having "girlfriend" that inconveniently got > washed away > in stream. > Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling. > No, not that kind of oiling. > Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, aren't you, what? > > ====================================================================== > > The Secret Diary of Gollum > > > Day One > > Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in Misty > Mountains only to discover > was booby trap set by > Sauron. > > Stupid Sauron. > > Day Five > > > Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch ?Flipper? over > and over until give in > and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods of torture refined over > millennia. Will not give in. > Will remain strong. > > Day Six > > Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of ?The Faculty.? Cannot cope. Have > told them where Ring is. > > Day Eight > > Escaped from Mordor. Have made way to Shire. Am v. disappointed that in last > few weeks no one has > responded to personal ad > placed in Shire Weekly. ?Toothless, fetid greenish creature ISO blue-eyed > curly-headed hobbit. Must > enjoy squatting in darkness, jewelry-fondling, and referring to self in > third person. No smokers.? > > Day Ten > > Finally caught up with Ringbearer in Rivendell, but cannot get near him as > is constantly being > half-drowned in bathtub by burly companion type, and have developed fear of > water since being forced > to watch dolphin movie 300 times. > > Ugh. Strawberries. Hate strawberries. > > Day Eleven > > Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise > unsuccessful. Was stashed in > storage closet by annoying > Glorfindel, where was trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all Arwen?s > dresses in front of > mirror, while muttering something about Legolas not being the prettiest > after all. Miss days of > yore, when men were men and dwarves were dwarves, and elves wore trousers. > Although something to be > said for Legolas? boots-and-skirt ensemble. > > Day Thirteen > > Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling > him purple does not suit > his complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage all the way to Gap of Rohan. > > Day Fifteen > > Cannot believe men still using hoary old ?Blow the Horn of Gondor? pickup > line. Remember when > original plans to have Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by Steward in favor of > silly-looking horn. Now > know why. > > Too bad for Isildur?s Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and hobbits have > expressed no interest in his > stubble collection) since he obviously fancies Frodo. Sam will kill him if > he tries anything. > > Day Thirty > > V. cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up mountain. > Nobody wants to carry me up > mountain. > > Stowed away in Legolas? backpack but excessive nancing was not good for > stomach. Have been sick all > over elf collection of hair care products. Hope he does not notice. > > Day Thirty One > > V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been following sounds of > Legolas complaining loudly > about state of his backpack and dank air of Moria being bad for his skin. > Gandalf stuck gum in his > hair while he wasn?t looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum. > > Day Thirty Three > > Met up with Balrog in nattily decorated subterranean bachelor pad. Balrog v. > mopey. Still carrying > torch for Gandalf. Told him best course of action was to try to talk it out, > explain to Gandalf that > while they are two extremely different people, with value systems and > lifestyles that are in > complete opposition to each other's, romance not ruled out. Balrog said this > sounded like > meaningless New Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age, start > living in the now. > > Day Thirty Four > > Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in gory > death of both. Perhaps > was not cut out to be > matchmaker after all. > > Lurked and observed big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever wants to > cuddle me, just because am > misshapen and covered > in slime, so unfair. Gimli no big looker either but gets mad schnoogles from > Boromir anyway. > > > Day Thirty Six > > In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from > Ringbearer by placing > carrots around was foiled when Legolas found carrots and used them to make > facial mask. Aragorn told > him was embarrassed to be seen with him while face covered in carrot mulch. > Legolas complained he is > not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn?t exactly getting any > older, either. > > Day Thirty Nine > > Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor. > Perhaps after bite off his > finger and steal Ring, he might not mind having dinner with me. Will just > have to figure out how to > get around Sam first. ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~--> Get fast access to your favorite Yahoo! Groups. Make Yahoo! your home page http://us.click.yahoo.com/dpRU5A/wUILAA/yQLSAA/rzJolB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> Stay Metal, YU Metal. Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/YUmetal/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
