Re: [ZESTPoets] Pilgrim's Progress

Mon, 29 Aug 2005 00:59:51 -0700

Thanks Mani.
 
I considered the two suggestions. I prefer leaving my lines such that the reader can find entries into the poem to fill it with their own experience/fancies and thereby own it.
 
When I edit my poems, I'm usually seeking to pare it down...
 
So here's my edited version
 
Pilgrim's Progress
 

This too shall pass

This ache

 

Breaking

With all that is past

 

You, waving, on the shore

Shrinking to a full stop

 

The tide drawing me out

To the endless sea

 

Tanu

Dehli

Aug 29, 05



 
On 8/28/05, M Suri <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
Excellent execution.  One really gets the sense of finality and moving on, away from the past.  Dare I suggest adding the two words "then nothing" or "then oblivion" in the 2nd line of 3rd stanza so that it reads as follows?:
 
You, waving, on the shore
Shrinking to a full stop then nothing
 
OR
 
You, waving, on the shore
Shrinking to a full stop then oblivion
 
Your thoughts? Anyone else's?
 
Mani


Rinku Dutta <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
This too shall pass
This ache
 
Breaking
Away from all that is Past
 
You, waving, on the shore
Shrinking to a full stop
 
The tide drawing me out
To the endless sea
 
Tanu
Dehli
Aug 27, 05


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