Don't read this! More boring rl.
I'm writing this for my sanity, and weather you read this or not is your decision entirely. I just need to vent my feelings a little, hope people understand and won't think that I'm insane, though I might as well be on the very path to insanity itself.
Which is ironic, considering I just joined Insanity in Alter Aeon
It wasn't long ago I wrote about school and how everything was going good. It has even gotten better, well that was, til this last friday.
Hmm maybe even thursday.
I wrote that my feelings for Felicia had faded, which is true. I'll still say she's an amazing person though. Come to think of it, I didn't really have any sexual feelings for her in the first place, it was more friendly.
So lately I've been putting my eyes on a very pretty girl, obviously in the same class as me. It's pretty f*cked
up, but wherever I go I seem to fall in love. Well actually, ever since Felicia. Before I met her I stopped looking for love. Well, it's something my brain does subconsciously. So I had a period from eighth grade til this summer where I didn't fall in love. I swear, that period was so fucking wonderful. I kinda miss the apathy, the not giving a shit attitude. And ever since Felicia, I've put my eye on three girls (how groce to put once eye there). First it was a girl who turned out to already have a boyfriend. Glad it never turned out there since actually she's rather boring. Then there was this really fresh rocker girl a while ago, but that didn't last long really. I never approached her, and I quit thinking about her just after two days or so. Then there's this girl ...
She might either be the smartest or most dumb person walking on this plannet, I don't know yet. I asked my swedish teacher to take me to our technical, the guy in charge of
our network and computers to solve a problem I had. Anyway, while walking there, I said "Why are those that always study the most, particularly girls, the stupidest?", and he responded "Well I don't think it has to do with being directly stupid. I've seen many of those, I know who you mean. It's a pressure to get the top grades, it's a kinda insecurity to do wrong that'll make them do exactly that, wrong and looking stupid. It's a confidence problem."
Looking back now, I am first of all ashamed of thinking of her as stupid, but really, I couldn't help it. Also looking at my passed self, and to some extent, even today, I realized it. Hell, I am very very shy, I am afraid to do things wrong. It makes me stutter and just to say something instead of keep stumbling over the right words, I say something stupid that doesn't make sense.
It wasn't really until I got to talk to her more that I realized she wasn't
stupid. I was just finnished with lunch, and the tech dude had told me to return after lunch so he could prescribe a new computer to me to test if that'd solve my issues. I was talking to some girls, one of the girls, Ida, got a phone call. I said "Anyone mind taking me to the computer guy?", and Elvina, which is her name, offered.
We went there, no big business of it, but well that made us late for the lesson. I was really ashamed I had caused her to miss part of it, I knew that she was into studying a lot. She went in alone, leaving me looking for a seat, but the math teacher, who's a big retard really, told her to help me get a seat ... hmm could do that on my own. I was so worried that I had upset her that I took every sign of reject as a bad sign. But well I've realized that it's kinda similar to myself. I can act strange if I don't feel comfortable, and it's only with certain people I do. I hope that it's the same for her.
Then, we had to work on Index in math, and also a small experiment. Only 10 minutes left on the lesson, and she surprised me. I'd never thought she'd say that. "Ah, fuck this. I'll listen to music instead."
Grabbing a chance for a conversation, I asked her what kinda music and yeah ... talked a bit. Then she kinda looked away and I realized, alright, I'm pushing it a bit too far here.
I've been thinking a lot about her. Why is she so shy? And is there a darker secret behind her shyness. I am actually going to go on a loose limb here and say this, her last name is arabic. I know how wimmen are suppressed there, is she being beaten at home? I am not thinking this about any of the other arabic girls, because they are all so confident and happy and even a bit ... hmm not arrogant.
A couple of nights with really bad sleep. She's so beautiful, so sweet and interesting. However I am terribly afraid for a couple of reasons:
1: I d
on't want to hurt her, emotionally or physically, directly or indirectly. With shy people, and I speak from own experience, it's very easy for someone to say something and the other person interpreting that as something it is not. This could result in emotional self-hatred and self-consciounse. Also if her family is the problem, they might start trying to control her if she starts being with me. Also approaching her real fast could cause her stress, sigh ...
2: I am, for some reason, not sure if it'd be all that popular with me and her together. I feel like a looser, and I hate to think that she is one too. You fucking know what! I am actually not a looser, I just don't have any space to show off. I'm gonna make sure to walk out proud. And I don't think she is too ... of course it all depends. Thoughts about a repressive family haunts me.
I know a semi-good solution. I need to talk to her more, I need to sit with her ... yeah yeah fucking alr
ight all fucking ready!!!
This, is, the, reason, I'm, not, religious!!!
Blindness cause so much fucking trouble, in cases like this. If god is your maker, he made you blind. Would you ever thank him for that? I don't know, I don't see the future. I know that whatever my future is it'd be a lot easier if I had my fucking eyes intact.
I can't see where she is. If I wasn't shy I'd ask people where she is, but that'd be a major problem since I need to sit by her accidentely.
Then there's the other part of me, which made me turn around in my bed til 02.30 this morning. "Of course she doesn't like you. No matter what you do. She doesn't like you now, and what makes you believe she'll like you after you approached her and talked to her? What do you got to show off? If you are bored with yourself, what makes you believe other people will like you? Yes, she's one of thousands. I know, she's special
now, and you won't get her, muahahahahahaha. But when she has passed from your fucked up head a few weeks from now, when she's just a normal girl, and you'll eventually fall for somebody else, what makes you believe that girl will like you?"
Keeps spinning around in my brain, it gives no pleasure it just brings me pain.
Dark ... sigh you might be right.
You are far from over yet, things could still turn around.
It could for me as well, but that could happen in 10 years or so, when I might not recognize myself as a human anymore. I honestly don't want to think of my future like that, it sounds insane I know, I am just shuddering with fear.
I got the urge to just end it all this morning, it was stronger than before. For a few minutes I was just ready to get out of bed, and then jump through the window from the fifth floor.
Well the smart thing to do here would be to show off to people. I have played the guitar now and I'm ge
tting back to it. I think I'm gonna learn rocket queen and cover that and upload it to youtube.
But my eyes keeps falling back to something.
Something which makes my stomach turn, my heart pound, and sweat to start pouring down my neck.
Her name is Elvina. Her body, and a wonderful person behind the mask she's wearing. It makes me sick, litterarely. First of all physically because ... well love. Then there's this whole theory about the family. Something is broken here, and it's worrying me to death, although it's none of my concern, come to think about it. I could just look away and pretend she's not there, but I can't.
And as I write this, my cheeks turns purple red from a blood rush, and anger. Anger over something that is doing her harm. Anger over myself who can't approach her in a good way. Anger over people who fucked with me. And I'm just being sick and tired of being sick and tired ...
URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=156348#p156348
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