Re: Demons
TurtlePower, I have a female friend who has had bad experiences because she gets on better with men than women. She had issues with their girlfriends seeing her as competition, thinking she was trying to seduce their boyfriends. Frankly I just think some people are what would have traditionally been called masculine or feminine in their interests and it has little to do with gender, in fact that same friend seems equally happy handmaking greetings cards or listening to the rugby on the radio. For all I know she might do both at the same time. Personally I get on really well with tomboys, sometimes I do find them attractive but it really is more than that. Sensitive tomboys are some of the loveliest people I've known.
Aprone and Rachel, that all sounds very familiar. I know with my depression it feels very much like you describe, and when I'm able to bringing in my stubborn side can help tremendously. I can be very stubborn when I want to be, something I get from my mother who is frustratingly stubborn on reflex without thinking about whether it's to her benefit or not. I like to think I at least have some discretion in my use of it but the fact remains it's one of the few ways that has any real impact and gives any real relief when I feel like that. It's just unfortunately very difficult to push through all the emotions to reach it.
Personally I was bullied despite being sighted all the way through school without remorse, my father did something rather unethical and as a result killed himself when I was about 9 when the police got on his trail, my mother was as damaged as I am it seems, my mother's side of the family have always been extremely dysfunctional and my father's side showed utterly no affection with my paternal grandmother simply using us as an excuse to brag to everyone about all the things she was doing for us. Only my mother and sister even seemed to care even a little, and even then I was never ab le to open up to them. All this before losing my sight which was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back.
I wouldn't say being blind is something you can't live with, I would say it's a genuine and massive pain in the arse. When combined with what is essentially emotional trauma going back through your entire life, that's what makes it difficult. In a sense it kind of feels like my heart is trying to swim through treacle or something, I know that sounds absurd but that's how it feels and it's painful. When you have a rough spot it really can shake you to your core and make you incredibly nervous for days. I'm feeling a little teary just recalling this, that's how powerful it is. Do your best and try to hold on to yourself, hopefully at least some of us can break its hold eventually and at least we can say we tried. If we all feel similarly then there must be thousands of others in the world who do as well, it's small comf ort but I don't believe we're an anomaly or somehow inferior.
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