Re: Demons
To those who are saying that they cannot empathize my condition, I can understand completely. Like I said it probably is BIID and I don't really understand the mainstream form of self amputation. That doesn't make sense to me. I know there are other ways that people can permanently maim themselves as well for a better feeling of one's self as well. It appears to be a problem with body mapping, although I'm not sure how it works exactly with blindness since BIID is already rare enough as it is and the blind variety is also a relatively uncommon subset.
I found only a few other people who had this condition with the blindness variety on the internet yesterday. There was a german guy on a forum who had been dealing with it for over 25 years. I can't even imagine to be honest, I have barely been able to get past 13 or so. I don't think he actually crossed the line though, but he talked about how he secretly felt like he wished he could trade places with blind people he sees. I understand that. It causes a lot of stress, I don't know why. It's like it's stupid but I just imagine myself with a cane, and not just that but fully blind as well. It's completely nonsensical. But the condition is so rare that this german forum was literally the only active forum I could find on it and the posts were extremely sparse.
To those who are saying that I shouldn't do this to myself, I agree with you guys, but the realization that I had is that even though I realize these things and I am aware of many of the problems that blind people go through because of the person I was with for 20 months (and don't get me wrong - it's not that I think that I know better or anything), these feelings aren't rational. I realized why I was scared before and I was scared less because I wanted to lose my vision but because of how others would treat me, not only because I would be blind but because I would have done so willingly. Like I stated before I would rather willingly give up what I have to someone born blind than just destroy myself, I would be willing to have the surgery to give two kids my eyes or my retinas but that's impossible, because no surgeon would willingly do that to someone. I don't understand it, but I have come to terms with the fact that this is a major part of who I am.
I don't know yet if I'm going to act on it. But if I do I know that I'm going to have to close all the gaps before I do. I can't leave my shoe laces untied and try to go running, after all.
If it helps, I've found it therapeutic to try to blindfold myself. This fact alone kind of makes me think that it's kind of like gender dysphoria or something. It takes a couple of minutes but when it sets in I'm able to actually feel kind of alright. I'm working on learning how to use a computer, and I want to move up to have contacts with opaque lenses eve ntually.
Perhaps the biggest problem though is that I can't be like this all the time. I think that's what compels me the most. I can't just "Fake" being blind like someone can "fake" being paralyzed, because blindness cuts off certain abilities to do things, and if I faked it, people would never be able to accept me for who I was. Maybe you guys but I think that's because this is a group of extremely understanding people. But if I did that in the sighted world they would think I was trying to take advantage of people, or even fetishizing blind people, and I KNOW it's not that. And I think that's why I have this deeply rooted urge and desire to be like that, because that's how I see myself. It makes no sense but that's how it is.
Again I really appreciate how welcoming everyone is. This was something that broke me down for literally 4 days. I woke up this morning with intense panic attacks and broke down in tea rs when asking for help for it. Even though I have come to accept somewhat that this is part of who I am, I realize that this is only the first step in a mountain to be able to acknowledge myself.
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