THE ANGRY
CHILD
Editor's Note: Anger management is a major concern, and is
one of the more troublesome symptoms for parents. This article gives practical
advice to helping parents deal with anger in children.
Handling children's
anger can be puzzling, draining, and distressing for adults. One of the major
problems in dealing with anger in children is the angry feelings that are often
stirred up in us. We need to remind ourselves that we were not always taught how
to deal with anger as a fact of life during our own childhood. We were led to
believe that to be angry was to be bad, and we were often made to feel guilty
for expressing anger.
It will be easier to deal with children's anger if we
get rid of this notion. Our goal is not to repress or destroy angry feelings in
children or in ourselves but rather to accept the feelings and to help channel
and direct them to constructive ends.
Parents and teachers must allow children to feel all
their feelings. Adult skills can then be directed toward showing children
acceptable ways of expressing their feelings. Strong feelings cannot be denied,
and angry outbursts should not always be viewed as a sign of serious problems;
they should be recognized and treated with respect.
To respond effectively to overly aggressive behavior
in children we need to have some ideas about what may have triggered an
outburst. Anger may be a defense to avoid painful feelings; it may be associated
with failure, low self-esteem, and feelings of isolation; or it may be related
to anxiety about situations over which the child has no control.
Angry defiance may also be associated with feelings
of dependency, and anger may be associated with sadness and depression. In
childhood, anger and sadness are very close to one another, and it is important
to remember that much of what an adult experiences as sadness is expressed by a
child as anger.
Several points are important before we go any
further:
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Anger and aggression are
different. Anger is a temporary emotional state caused by frustration;
aggression is often an attempt to hurt a person or to destroy
property. |
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Anger and aggression do
not have to be dirty words. We must be careful to tell the difference
between behavior that indicates emotional problems and behavior that is
normal. |
When with angry children, our actions should be
motivated by the need to protect and to reach, not by a desire to punish. Show
the child that you accept his or her feelings, while suggesting other ways to
express the feelings. An adult might say, for example, "Let me tell you what
some children would do in a situation like this" It is not enough to tell
children what behaviors we find unacceptable. We must teach them acceptable ways
of coping. Also, ways must be found to communicate what we expect of them.
Contrary to popular opinion, punishment is not the most effective way to
communicate to children what we expect of them.
Responding to the Angry Child
Some of the following suggestions for dealing with the angry
child were taken from The Aggressive Child by Fritz Redl and David
Wineman.
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Catch the child
being good. Tell the child what behaviors please you. Respond to positive
efforts and reinforce good behavior. An observing and sensitive parent
will find countless opportunities during the day to make such comments as
"I like the way you come in for dinner without being reminded"; "I
appreciate your hanging up your clothes even though you were in a hurry to
get out to play"; "You were really patient while I was on the phone"; "I'm
glad you shared your snack with your sister"; "I like the way you're able
to think of others"; and "Thank you for telling the truth about what
really happened." |
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Similarly, teachers
can positively reinforce good behavior with statements like "I know it was
difficult for you to wait your turn, and I'm pleased that you could do
it"; "Thanks for sitting in your seat quietly"; "You were thoughtful in
offering to help Johnny with his spelling"; "You worked hard on that
project, and I admire your effort." |
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Deliberately ignore
inappropriate behavior that can be tolerated. This doesn't mean that you
should ignore the child, just the behavior. The "ignoring" has to be
planned and consistent. Even though this behavior may be tolerated, the
child must recognize that it is inappropriate.
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Provide physical
outlets and other alternatives. It is important for children to have
opportunities for physical exercise and movement, both at home and at
school. |
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Manipulate the
surroundings. Aggressive behavior can be encouraged by placing children in
tough, tempting situations. We should try to plan the surroundings so that
certain things are less apt to happen. Stop a "problem" activity and
substitute, temporarily, a more desirable one. Sometimes rules and
regulations, as well as physical space, may be too confining. |
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Use closeness and
touching. Move physically closer to the child to curb his or her angry
impulse. Young children are often calmed by having an adult come close by
and express interest in the child's activities. Children naturally try to
involve adults in what they are doing, and the adult is often annoyed at
being bothered. Very young children (and children who are emotionally
deprived) seem to need much more adult involvement in their interests. A
child about to use a toy or tool in a destructive way is sometimes easily
stopped by an adult who expresses interest in having it shown to him. An
outburst from an older child struggling with a difficult reading selection
can be prevented by a caring adult who moves near the child to say, "Show
me which words are giving you trouble." |
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Be ready to show
affection. Sometimes all that is needed for any angry child to regain
control is a sudden hug or other impulsive show of affection. Children
with serious emotional problems, however, may have trouble accepting
affection. |
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Ease tension through
humor. Kidding the child out of a temper tantrum or outburst offers the
child an opportunity to "save face." However, it is important to
distinguish between face-saving humor and sarcasm, teasing, or
ridicule. |
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Appeal directly to
the child. Tell him or her how you feel and ask for consideration. For
example, a parent or a teacher may gain a child's cooperation by saying,
"I know that noise you're making doesn't usually bother me, but today I've
got a headache, so could you find something else you'd enjoy
doing?" |
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Explain situations.
Help the child understand the cause of a stressed situation. We often fail
to realize how easily young children can begin to react properly once they
understand the cause of their frustration. |
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Use physical
restraint. Occasionally a child may lose control so completely that he has
to be physically restrained or removed from the scene to prevent him from
hurting himself or others. This may also "save face" for the child.
Physical restraint or removal from the scene should not be viewed by the
child as punishment but as a means of saying, "You can't do that." In such
situations, an adult cannot afford to lose his or her temper and
unfriendly remarks by other children should not be tolerated. |
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Encourage children
to see their strengths as well as their weaknesses. Help them to see that
they can reach their goals.
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Use promises and
rewards. Promises of future pleasure can be used both to start and to stop
behavior. This approach should not be compared with bribery. We must know
what the child likes--what brings him pleasure--and we must deliver on our
promises. |
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Say "NO!" Limits
should be clearly explained and enforced. Children should be free to
function within those limits. |
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Tell the child that
you accept his or her angry feelings, but offer other suggestions for
expressing them. Teach children to put their angry feelings into words,
rather than fists. |
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Build a positive
self-image. Encourage children to see themselves as valued and valuable
people. |
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Use punishment
cautiously. There is a fine line between punishment that is hostile toward
a child and punishment that is educational. |
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Model appropriate
behavior. Parents and teachers should be aware of the powerful influence
of their actions on a child's or group's behavior.
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Teach children to
express themselves verbally. Talking helps a child have control and thus
reduces acting out behavior. Encourage the child to say, for example, "I
don't like your taking my pencil. I don't feel like sharing just
now." |
The Role of Discipline
Good discipline includes creating an atmosphere of
quiet firmness, clarity, and conscientiousness, while using reasoning. Bad
discipline involves punishment which is unduly harsh and inappropriate, and it
is often associated with verbal ridicule and attacks on the child's
integrity.
As one fourth-grade teacher put it: "One of the most
important goals we strive for as parents, educators, and mental health
professionals is to help children develop respect for themselves and others."
While arriving at this goal takes years of patient practice, it is a vital
process in which parents, teachers, and all caring adults can play a crucial and
exciting role. In order to accomplish this, we must see children as worthy human
beings and be sincere in dealing with them.
source: http://www.babysdoc.com/angrychild.htm
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