Teletubby (Tubbis tele)
This mysterious species is still largely unknown to modern science, due
to its inaccessibility (it is only found in certain parts of Canada, the
north African plains and Bristol city centre).
Appearance
Teletubbies are typically around 1.2 - 1.6 metres tall, and humanoid.
Coloration is varied, but always garish. Movement is clumsy - similar to
that of a small person in a highly restrictive outfit.
All Teletubbies have a cranial protrusion that extends vertically and
can vary widely in shape and size between different specimens. Its purpose
is uncertain but it has been seen to glow on activation of the abdominal
television, leading some experts to speculate that it is some form of
signal receiving apparatus.
Teletubbies can also be identified by the unending stream of nonsense
emerging from their mouths. Identification on this criterion alone,
however, is not recommended, as there is a possibility of confusion with
the GMTV presenter (Homo moronis).
Social Structure
Teletubbies typically live in groups of four in a communal dwelling. No
family connections have been observed within groups and each group seems
to be totally isolated from other groups and, indeed, from the rest of the
world. This restricted gene pool goes some way to explaining the behaviour
of modern Teletubbies.
The preferred environment for a Teletubby dwelling is among many
gentle, undulating and very strange looking hillocks. Colonies of rabbits
are usually to be found near the dwelling - the relationship between these
and the Teletubbies is not known. Also, near a Teletubby residence there
seems to be a much greater incidence of poor computer-generated special
effects. It never rains near a Teletubby dwelling.
Teletubby residences are sparsely furnished, with one table and a
number of small beds. They utilise some form of advanced spatial
distorting technology enabling the interior to be significantly larger
than the exterior.
Anatomy
The Teletubby species is perhaps unique in the animal kingdom - it is
the only known species with a fully functional audio-visual hardware
system integrated into the body.
There is a television screen in the abdominal area, and somewhere near
the surface of the skin there must be concealed speakers. The audio-visual
system is capable of replaying a previously shown sequence upon the voice
command 'again'. No other commands have been seen to be used.
The content of the transmissions appears to be fairly bland and
formulaic, but Teletubbies derive obvious pleasure from watching it twice.
It seems that only one screen can be active at a time in any Teletubby
group. The Teletubby whose screen is active at that time generally seems
to experience pleasure, which is strange because that Teletubby, looking
at the screen from a sharp angle and upside down, has the worst view of
the group.
Another prominent anatomical feature runs down the top half of the rear
of the Teletubby torso: it appears to be some form of zip fastening
device. Its purpose is unknown and it has never been seen to be used.
Social Behaviour
Teletubbies are highly social creatures that seem to perform no
function or action except recreation. Common Teletubby social activities
include playing with balls or scooters, executing highly choreographed
dance routines, or trampling innocent rabbits.
Reproduction
Teletubbies, although frequently naked, have no visible sexual organs,
and indeed there seems to be no way to ascertain gender visually. However,
as with humans, there do seem to be two genders, but it is not atypical
for a Teletubby of one sex to act in ways humans would interpret as
strange for that sex. One male Teletubby has been observed openly carrying
a women's handbag, and in secret indulges in flower arranging and wearing
women's undergarments.
The actual act of Teletubby procreation has never been observed,
although several mating rituals have been recorded. A common one involves
two Teletubbies running towards each other, then colliding in mid-air. The
significance of this ritual is unknown.
Food
All Teletubbies currently observed seem to ingest a substance known as
'tubbytoast', which is always provided by means of a machine in the
group's dwelling. It is not clear how the species survived before the
machine that makes tubbytoast was invented, or indeed who invented it.
(The machine itself is rather interesting. It has the amazing property of
being able to launch tubbytoast vertically upwards, and yet propel it
several metres horizontally to land on a Teletubby's plate.)
The only other substance Teletubbies eat is known as 'tubbycustard',
again provided by a machine, and ingested through a curly straw which
doubles as a receptacle (a design which would save on cleaning if it were
not for the fact that the object's shape makes it very difficult to wash).
The reliance of the Teletubby species solely on machines for survival
would seem to be a short-sighted trait. In a situation where one machine
broke down a group of Teletubbies would rapidly starve to death or die of
thirst. Experts have speculated other sources of nourishment and agreed on
the following alternative explanations - water is taken in through
microscopic vessels on the soles of the feet, explaining the mysterious
behaviour of Teletubbies splashing in puddles which has been frequently
observed. And an alternative source of food is provided by the fat, docile
rabbits usually found near Tubby dwellings - which a Teletubby could
slaughter and devour with no effort whatsoever.
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