Recently on the Avon I met the most dangerous woman we have come across on a boat with her totally henpecked husband. We started by sharing a lock with them. They were a private boat - he steered, she worked the lock. As they were already in the first lock when we arrived getting in was OK then, after my wife shut both gates madame returned from a nature ramble (?) and, independent of all of us wound up a paddle. As these paddles are friendly - no trouble but then, with the wife just reaching hers madame decided to help and began heading for her side. Then - seeing the paddle was being wound she headed off again ignoring all of us and began a conversation with the crew on the boat which had just arrived below - she above by the gate, they below at the mooring. This conversation continued while my wife opened her gate. I had suggested to the man that they go out first with madame stepping on as he passed and he said yes but madame was deep in conversation - ignoring me using the hooter after my wife yelled for her to open the gate. Henpecked informed that madame did not like to be interrupted - at which point we should have driven out but, fools that we were by now my wife was well round to open Madame's gate. This she did and began to walk back - followed by madame. She, having finished her chat marched right round the lock and, waving her husband forward, stood just outside the gates on our side. To our amazement hubby turned and explained he must do as she asked (maybe he was into fem-dom), slammed on the power, turn his tiller and aimed straight for my front end and, beyond it - madame. I had a bit of room to back and turn fast but due to his manoeuve we ended up diagonally across the wide lock. Far from this stooping him he proceeded to grate along both walls with front and back of boat and power on, before swinging the back across into me to get it close to madame. She just stood there waiting for him to be exactly positioned before she would get on. To do this he had to go forward and back a couple of times and though a simple move by her of a few yards would have saved all this nothing. Finally she was happy and stepped on - but not before my quick thinking wife had told her we would be mooring before the next lock and not to wait. When Mr henpecked was out the way I drove out, the wife stepped on and off we went slowly. At the next lock we brought a license and reckoned we were at least a half hour behind them but then we realised the there was a single hander trying to work the lock and that it was Mr Henpecked! No sign of madame. We gave in to the inevitable and helped Mr H. He had obviously done this sort of thing before so between us we worked the boats through - at which point I realised that a person deep in conversation by the lock was - madame. As I was only yards from her feet, in passing I asked if she was coming as we three were working the lock alone and it would be nice if we opened a gate. I got a glare. When the lock was ready we went first - out, on, gone - and we moored for the night just before the next lock. Madame, arriving on boat, seemed unhappy at this. But then treated us to another command performance of getting back on a boat. This time the lock exit featured a sharp right bend but madame, instead of getting on in the lock (small drop - ladder) or on the side where they were tied, or even on the inside of the outside bend on the towpath side, marched round and stood on the inside point of the v of the bend - forcing hubby to come out, turn right then back in - all this with the crew of a boat moored at the landing round the bend fending him off. It was amazing stuff and all the time the one who caused the problem stands tapping her foot. Luckily we never did she her or her boat again.
--- On Mon, 5/26/08, Family <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: From: Family <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Subject: [canals-list] A Day of Characters (xp) To: "Canal-List" <[email protected]>, "Cutweb" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Date: Monday, May 26, 2008, 5:18 PM This character description assassination was supplied by Brenda :- Today I shall tell you about "Nutty Noah" and "Half Nelson" NN turned up at Stone lock as I prepared it once we had filled Jannock's water tank below the lock. He watched me prep the lock and acknowledged G onboard and then asked me if we were going his way and did we want the lock. -?- I was given the full shipping forecast when I asked if he thought it was likely to rain. We ascended the lock with his help, then he spotted another boat approaching from above so he ran along the towpath to inform them that it was quite OK for them to "proceed into the lock that was ready for them and he'd hold his crew back" - that's alright then. Before the next lock he was called back onto the boat for breakfast. A lock or two later he returned, the soubriquet was confirmed as he was now wearing a pair of ancient flappy wellies, a full length oilskin type coat and was now astride a bicycle. He then proceeded to regale us with tales of his breakfast that included poached smoked cod, bacon, egg and sauteed mushrooms. Cornflakes anyone? We first met Half Nelson yesterday. He's a newbie with 3 weeks of a months hire under his belt and a sweet man. He has a gammy eye, knackered knees, walks with an odd gait and admits to 78 years. Onboard his Black Prince hireboat he had a severely disabled wife. He is considering buying a boat. I hope he doesn't. He's a danger to himself, let alone his wife and other boaters. He'd invited hints and tips from us yesterday, so when I saw him pull out in front of us as I prepared to check/empty the lock, I carried on with a mind to help him anyway. He jumped aboard, neither of the gates were open and there was no chance of me getting there first unless I ran. I ran and just got to the second gate open as he charged into the lock. I suggested that running at shut gates like that was a risky strategy. He advised me that the hire base had said he could do it. I asked if he'd been sure it was properly empty and he said he had seen a boat come down it some 10 minutes ago. He's obviously not come across a leaky lock gate then. I pointed out that he'd been unable to see if anybody was lockside. That puzzled him! He said that people were kind and helpful if they were there. What about any children playing/sitting/ standing near the balance beam as he rammed the gate I asked? Another puzzled look. So I suggested that they might get pushed or bumped into the canal. Quite a fall, a shock even for a swimmer. He simply said that the boatyard had suggested he go into locks that way. I asked if he were rich as I could imagine the law suit. He said he only had his pension - so don't let him drown your nearest or dearest, you can't even sue! I also wonder how the pair of them would cope if he fell in or got injured - his wife seemed boat bound. In a lock accident she'd have no chance. Please don't sell this man a boat! We did a solo trip through Harecastle during the last slot of the day and felt like I was in a fridge due to the bitterly cold wind being dragged through the tunnel by the fans. Fashion tips for late May bank holidays in England - match your thermal vest with thermal gloves. Graham (for Brenda) www.jannock. org.uk [Non-text portions of this message have been removed] [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
