Glacier
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Tool Definitions
drill PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and
then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from
fingers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool
used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used
by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of
cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy
into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used
after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that
9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE
SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping
the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE
2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel
wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used
by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH
SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate
that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of
the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A
tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at
Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug
nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE
CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed
as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women
primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool
that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of
your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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