Hello,
I'm not a native speaker of English, but I'd like to add a few
comments, if I may. Please, see below:
2007/1/28, Clandy <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>:
>
> Topic: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why
> do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important
> than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
>
> You probably don't know English, but you are very likely to have heard
Logic: Is it logical to question the reader's knowledge of English?
Why, the essay is written in English and the reader must know English
to some extend.
> the song "Sound of Music".
Logic: I wouldn't hesitate to add some more information concerning the
song. Believe me, there are many people - especially among those who
don't speak English - who haven't even heard of that song. Moreover,
there may well be a few other songs of the same name. "Does the author
mean the musical?" one might ask.
> As you can see, music is a kind of
> communicator tool
Logic: That is necessarily conditioned by the (lack of) knowledge of
the song. In addition, your views may differ from those of the reader.
Consider using another modal verb for example.
Style: Note that you have used two similar collocations ("communicator
tool" above and "communication tool" below). Consider using another
expression (such as "means") instead.
Grammar: I'm not sure whether "communicator tool" has ever been used.
I think it should be "communication tool."
> People also resort to music to express their emotions, feelings, and
> even ideas. Musis plays a very important role in our everyday life.
Spelling: "Music", not "Musis" :-) Just a typo, I suppose.
> As an excellent communication tool, music can convey information much
Style: See above.
> better than what people say. When a young man falls in love with a
> young lady, a piece of music played by guitar sometimes touch the
Grammar: One can "play the guitar", a song can be "played by a
musician", but a piece of music can be "played ON the guitar".
> girl's heart much easilier than thousands of sweet words.
Grammar: "more easily", not "easilier."
> In World War
> II, a very famous song encouraged Chinese to keep fighting with
> invaders against so much difficulty.
Logic: At least the name of the song would be nice to know. :-)
Grammar: You fight WITH those ON WHOSE SIDE you are. You fight
(AGAINST) invaders or difficulties. In addition, THE Chinese, THE
invaders if you assume the reader knows they were the Japanese, not
just any invaders. Consider revising the whole sentence.
> And the song later became
> national song of China.
Grammar: Either "THE" national song (if they have only one), or "A"
national song (if there are more than one national songs in China).
> Music is also an international "language". A Chinese and an Australian
> may not be able to understand each other by speaking.
Grammar: When you understand something BY speaking, I think you have
certain understanding of the word "speaking," rather than of what is
being spoken itself. I would probably use "when speaking" or "through
(the) speech" here.
> But they both
> can understand the music of "Sound of Music". If somebody want to have
Grammar (word order): "they can both understand"
Is the name of the song "Sound of Music" or "The Sound of Music?"
The third person singular in the present simple tense and with verbs
that are not modal is marked by the "-(e)s" ending, hence "somebody
wants."
Logic: You are claiming something that has little to do with facts.
Whenever you present your own opinions, don't forget to mention that.
Your assertion that "they can both understand the music of..." is
exactly this - your opinion. Nevertheless, stylistic traditions may
differ from coutnry to country, of course, and this may well depend on
your teacher's instructions.
> some basic concept of a country, one of the best ways is listening to
> the traditional music of that country.
>
> The traditional music of a country refers to the type of music that
> has existed at that country for a long history, and often had been the
> mainstream music. But nowadays, we can hear a lot of music in almost
> any country, which is called the international music. In my opinion,
> the traditional music is more important thant the international music.
Spelling (just a typo, perhaps): "than"
Logic: Again, you are claiming here that the "the traditional music is
more important than the international music," but you are not saying
why is that.
Oh, I'm sorry, I have to go now. I'll correct the rest as soon as I'm
back from the town, ok? :-) I hope I've been of some help, at least.
Best,
Petr
> And we should take more activities to preserve it. Because all
> international music originated from traditional music. Jazz's origin
> is traditional African music, and the famous music style Flamenco is
> mixed by traditional Indian music and old-time Spanish music.
>
> In conculsion, music is an important part of human life, and among
> different music types, we should take more activities to preserve
> traditional music.
>
>
> >
>
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