-Caveat Lector-
[EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:
>
> GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
> by Michael Shermer
>
> God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In
> order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few
> moments to answer the following questions.
>
> Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
> confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
> unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
>
> 1. How did you find out about God?
>
> __ Newspaper __ Other Book
> __ Television __ Divine Inspiration
> __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
> __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery
> __ Bible _x_ Other
> __ Torah (specify): Indoctrination
>
> 2. Which model God did you acquire?
>
> _x_ Yoweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
> __ Jehova __ Jesus
> __ Alah __ Satan
> __ God __ None of the above, I was taken
> _x_ G_d in by a false god
>
> 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in working
> order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
>
> __ Yes _x_ No
>
> If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered
> here: As a figment of the imagination, he can't really do much.
>
> 4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
> Please check all that apply.
>
> _x_ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live
> _x_ Indoctrinated by society _x_ Needed focus in who to despise
> __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself
> __ Wanted to meet girls/boys _x_ Fear of death
> __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work
> __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music
> __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire
> and told me to do it
>
> 5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? If so, which false god
> were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
>
> __ Odin __ Cthulhu
> __ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar
> __ Appolo __ Left Wing Liberalism
> __ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.
> __ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin
> __ The Sun __ Bill Clinton
> __ The Moon __ A burning cabbage
> __ The Bomb __ Other: _None
>
> 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
> addition to God? Please check all that apply.
>
> __ Tarot __ Lottery
> __ Astrology __ Television
> __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
> __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
> __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
> __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock-n-Roll
> __ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton
> __ Tea Leaves __ EST
> __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
> __ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice
> __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert
> __ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery
> __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other: __________________
> __ Barney Fife _x_ None
>
> 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve
> the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would
> you prefer (circle one)?
>
> a. More Divine Intervention
> b. Less Divine Intervention
> c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
> d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? __x__
>
> 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
> miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
> following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
>
> a. Disasters
> flood 1x 2 3 4 5
> famine 1x 2 3 4 5
> earthquake 1x 2 3 4 5
> war 1xxx 2 3 4 5
> pestilence 1xx 2 3 4 5
> plague 1x 2 3 4 5
> SPAM 1xxx 2 3 4 5
> AOL 1xxx 2 3 4 5
>
> b. Miracles
> rescues 1x 2 3 4 5
> spontaneous remissions 1x 2 3 4 5
> stars hovering over towns 1x 2 3 4 5
> crying statues 1x 2 3 4 5
> water changing to wine 1x 2 3 4 5
> walking on water (other 1x 2 3 4 5
> than the Hudson)
> talking flaming shrubbery 1x 2 3 4 5
> VCRs that set their own 1x 2 3 4 5
> clocks
> Sadam Husein still alive 1x 2 3 4 5
> Cubs winning the Series 1x 2 3 4 5
> Clinton's re-election 1xxx 2 3 4 5
>
> 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for
> improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional
> sheet if necessary):
HE needs to get into a new line of work. The appalling incompetence is
enough scare one into " getting religion." The most harmful and deadly
wars in history are HIS fault and continue to this day.
That HE could invent cancer for children and Aids and Black Plague
shows
what a bastard HE really is deep down inside. HE even strikes dead
those
that are gullible enough to suck up to HIM on a daily basis as
evidenced
by those morons in Oklahoma who thanked HIM profusely for saving them
from the T5 tornado HE set upon them in HIS infinite mercy.
We need to either get a competent god, or eliminate the position. The
current situation just won't do.
Joshua2
>
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