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THE SCOOP for July 26, 1999
___________________________
Jerry Springer For Senate
Or Rob Lowe Or Luke Perry, Whichever
© 1999 Bob Harris
http://www.bobharris.com
mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]
___________________________
I passed Jerry Springer on the stairs in a hotel the other night. I
didn't break stride. There were other people around I wanted to meet a
lot more.
Now I realize this may have been the closest I'll ever come to a U.S.
president.
___________________________
Last week, the Cleveland Plain Dealer reported that several Ohio
Democratic Party leaders are lobbying for Jerry Springer to run against
GOP Senator Mike DeWine in 2000.
This is the sort of creative idea that political strategists normally term
"thinking out of the box." Especially if the box happens to be in your
ass.
Let's back up.
Prior to DeWine, the seat was securely in Democratic control for a
generation, occupied by Howard Metzenbaum, who retired in 1994. In that
year, the Democrats ran Joel Hyatt, Metzenbaum's son-in-law, who had
became rich and locally famous as one of those attorneys who do TV ads in
front of a bunch of books so they look all legal and everything.
Hyatt lost. Big shock.
However, since DeWine only got 53 percent of the vote, and Ohioans voted
for Clinton twice, Democratic leaders hope that a relatively rich and
famous candidate might be able do the trick in 2000. The only problem?
They ain't got any.
What they do have is a Columbus lawyer named Richard Corday, who is a
smart guy and fine fundraiser but nonetheless ran for Ohio Attorney
General last year and got the polling equivalent of a chair upside the
head from the GOP's Betty Montgomery. Besides which, Corday has never
once goaded a lesbian white supremacist into cross-checking a transsexual
nun.
Thus the job might fall to Jerry.
___________________________
Last week, Jerry, I, half of the comedy industry, and several hundred
thousand revelers all came to Montreal for the annual Just For Laughs
festival, in which many of the finest comedians on Earth perform for over
a week at venues throughout the city.
Each night's crowning event is an all-star Gala held at the gorgeous St.
Denis Theatre. For publicity's sake, the Just For Laughs folks get the
biggest names they can to host the Galas, whether they have comedy
experience or not. Luke Perry hosted one night. So did Rob Lowe. And so
did Jerry Springer.
And that's how come Jerry and I passed on the stairs in the Delta hotel.
___________________________
I didn't know then about the Ohio Democrats' plans, and even if I had
stopped to ask Jerry about his possible candidacy, he probably wouldn't
have said much.
"I am obviously flattered and honored by the interest," Springer said in a
written statement. "I respect the seriousness of their inquiry and will
respond in a timely, sincere and appropriate manner."
Obviously, the man is a natural politician. In two sentences, he uses the
words "honor," "respect," "serious," "sincere," and "appropriate." Which
almost makes you forget it's Jerry Springer you're listening to.
Almost.
___________________________
So who is Jerry Springer, anyway? This much we know:
Elected to the Cincinnati City Council in 1971, Springer later resigned in
disgrace after getting caught paying for a Kentucky prostitute with a
personal check. (Incidentally, forget Vegas. All the best hookers work
in Kentucky.)
Springer apologized, wiped off, was eventually reelected to the City
Council, and ultimately became mayor of Cincinnati in 1977.
However, in the 1982 Ohio gubernatiorial primary, Springer placed last
among three candidates, earning only 20 percent of the vote.
Thus unable to continue in what we laughingly call public service,
Springer turned to the only career left that would keep him in the public
eye: in 1984, he became a Cincinnati news commentator.
In short order, Springer became the Tri-State area's top-ranked news
anchor, receiving seven local Emmys, a raise from Mr. Carlson, and a firm
handshake from Herb the sales guy. However, Jerry was sadly unable to
talk Jennifer the receptionist into a three-way with Venus.
(Incidentally, http://www.wlwt.com, the website for the actual station
where Springer really did win seven Emmys, takes this unforgiving shot:
"#1 status was enjoyed by WLWT for nearly five years until Jerry Springer
began his talk show and lost his news credibility with the viewers."
Sounds like they're still pissed.)
Then Multimedia came knocking with an idea for a TV show…
___________________________
But what if Jerry won't or can't run for office? What will Ohio Democrats
do then? I have a certain empathy for these guys. I grew up outside
Cleveland, and my Dad was a life-long Democrat. They need some sort of
back-up plan.
Which is why, since I didn't get to interview Jerry Springer himself, I
asked fellow native-born Ohio celebrities Rob Lowe (Dayton) and Luke Perry
(Mansfield) if they'd be willing to run for the Senate, just in case Jerry
drops out.
After all, since celebrity is the key factor, it shouldn't really matter
which one winds up with the job.
___________________________
Predictably, the idea of a Springer candidacy has been mocked by pols and
pundits on both sides of the aisle. Ohio GOP chairman Bob Bennett went so
far as to release a Top 10 list of other potential Democratic Senate
candidates, none of which was remotely amusing. Then again, most
Republicans would have trouble winning a smack-off against the Amish.
The main criticism? Many commentators have expressed doubt that Springer
can overcome his image. Which misses the point entirely: Jerry's image --
the sole source of all his fame and fortune, remember -- is his primary
asset. It is image and little else which separates the potential winning
candidate now under discussion and the last-place finisher of 1982.
Indeed, precisely for that image, some Democratic leaders consider
Springer the perfect choice. "Springer would be a viable, fascinating,
interesting candidate," says Tim Burke, Hamilton County Democratic
chairman. "Did you know his TV show is the No. 2 television show of the
world?"
Uh, yeah, actually. That's one way to put it.
Likewise, Ohio Democratic political consultant Gerald Austin notes that
politics are rapidly becoming nothing but entertainment anyway, comparing
Springer to Jesse Ventura. Which makes sense: we live in an age where
celebrity has become desperately confused with leadership.
Also, like Ventura, Springer has had to overcome allegations that his TV
show is fixed.
But then again, so is the whole damn system. In over 96 percent of
federal elections, the candidate with the greater financial resources
wins.
Gore and Bush are the chosen candidates for the White House, and the first
actual vote by an actual American citizen is still six months away.
___________________________
I encountered Rob Lowe backstage during the Gala he hosted.
My buddy John Wing was on the bill that night, so I hung out with the
other performers. Crammed into a narrow hallway behind the stage, we ate
pretzels, kibitzed each others' acts, and watched the big show on TV.
The Gala writers had turned much of Rob's hosting gig into a series of
sketches involving a drunken French-Canadian dwarf. (This is exactly the
sort of bizarre yet accurate sentence I just live to write.) At several
points, Rob needed to move quickly through the hallway to set up for the
next bit. We were all therefore instructed to stand up, stand back, and
make way.
OK, everybody… One-time matinee idol reduced to straight man for a dwarf,
coming through…
A few of us saluted and hummed "God Save The King" as he passed.
Rob smiled a bit sheepishly.
And then he gave the skits his best sincere shot, never once playing above
the material. I actually really respect the guy for that.
During the intermission, Rob slowed up enough that I could ask him if he'd
run for Senate if Jerry Springer had to bow out.
Rob looked straight at me, shook his head, smiled, and said nothing.
Either he couldn't hear, or -- my opinion -- he thought the concept behind
the entire sentence was insane. Then he ran off to put on an eye patch to
do his Robert Wagner impression. (This is another one of those sentences.)
Memo to Ohio Democrats: Rob Lowe has grown into a decent, honest guy
working way harder than people realize. He'll never make it in politics.
Scratch him off the list.
___________________________
We live in an era when Bill Clinton's personal behavior toward one
individual woman has received literally hundreds of times as much ink as
Clinton's public policies, which have negatively impacted the lives of
millions of lower-income women nationwide
In the years since Tip O'Neill said "all politics is local," our focus has
narrowed even further -- to the merely personal.
As this space has pointed out, a study by Durants Press Cuttings found
that the death of Diana Spencer received more press coverage than any
single event of World War II -- Dunkirk, D-Day, Hiroshima, et al. More
recently, the Kennedy plane crash -- tragic, of course, but an event which
significantly affected virtually no one outside the victims' family and
friends, and which had no impact whatsoever on public policy -- is
currently receiving more column inches than U.S. military actions in
Kosovo, Iraq, Columbia, and elsewhere, and an impending trade war with
Europe over the potential biohazards of Genetically Modified foods,
combined.
These stories, and dozens of others of similar import, are simply pushed
out of the national mind as the crush for ratings and riches drives
reporters to ask Hollywood celebrities who didn't know the Kennedys any
more than you or I do to tell us, in the wake of someone else's tragedy,
how they feel.
And most Americans now truly regards this as news.
In that context, Jerry Springer is, in fact, the ultimate American
political candidate.
Senate? Oh, let's not stop there…
___________________________
At one point, the backstage chair next to mine became vacant and was
quickly filled by a lanky dude in a Hawaiian shirt and an Indians cap.
I've never seen the zip code 90210 except in real life -- I consider my
neurons something of value, thank you -- but the guy looked familiar.
Luke Perry introduced himself. I knew the name. Luke said he was
supposed to host a Gala show later in the week, and he was nervous about
doing comedy.
So I reassured him that Just For Laughs crowds are the most giving and
appreciative audiences in the entire business, which is true. Luke seemed
genuinely relieved.
Later on in the Delta hotel bar there was time for an actual conversation.
He's still an Ohio boy, easy to talk with. So I explained about Jerry
Springer and asked if he'd be willing run for the Senate if need be. And
Luke totally got what I was asking. Grinning playfully, with a knowingly
Reaganesque gleam in his eye, he responded in character, and in one
remarkable breathless blurt:
"Having grown up in Mansfield, I have a great natural concern for the
people of Ohio, and if asked, I would be honored to serve them as their
elected representative. The people of our fine state deserve good
government, and while I lack a certain degree of experience, I would
endeavor to do my best for my fellow citizens as their Senator."
Damn.
Dude's a natural.
I think I've created a monster.
And then the subject wandered back to what it was like to work with Ashley
Judd. Rough life.
Even so, memo to Ohio Democrats: if Jerry Springer can't do the gig, I
think Luke Perry's your man.
___________________________
Bob Harris is a stand-up comedian, political writer, and syndicated radio
humorist. His new book, Steal This Book And Get Life Without Parole, will
be published soon by Common Courage Press.
To receive a free email subscription to The Scoop, just send a blank email
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___________________________
Bob's Big Plug-O-Rama™ (updated 7/26/99):
Http://www.bobharris.com has finally been updated, and we seem to finally
have the bugs out of the streaming content. If you have the RealNetworks
G2 player -- which is free to download at http://www.real.com -- you can
see stand-up comedy clips, hear radio commentaries, and enjoy other stuff
sprinkled around the site, along with early writing samples from National
Lampoon magazines, a growing archive of past columns, and lots of other
fun stuff.
The new book, Steal This Book And Get Life Without Parole, is at the
printer. It’ll be out in September, replete with cartoons by Tom Tomorrow
and a foreword by Paul Krassner. You can visit the fine publisher at
http://www.commoncouragepress.com. I’ll be doing readings at bookstores
around the country during my fall college tour. So far, the book has
already received hugely kind praise from Jim Hightower, Jeff Cohen,
Michael Moore, and lots of other cool people. This is way exciting.
Syndication of "This Is Bob Harris," the daily radio feature, is rolling
along: 75 stations and counting. Call your favorite station and ask for
the feature. They pay attention, honest.
The radio stuff is also broadcast in over 140 countries by Armed Forces
Radio -- and during the Rush Limbaugh program at that! Partly as a result,
this column now has regular subscribers in 41 countries on six continents.
You can also hear an audio version of my commentaries at Soapbox,
http://www.webactive.com/webactive/soapbox/monday.html.
Finally, you can find recent columns reprinted in the current print
editions of Dollars & Sense, Extra!, and the Funny Times. Meanwhile,
Mother Jones online (http://www.motherjones.com) now carries The Scoop
every week. I am honored to be associated with these people. They rule.
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