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The Search for bin Ashcroft
By: Arthur Joel Katz - 01/03/02
If you haven't noticed, Attorney General bin Aschcroft has been missing for almost all
of December. No public appearances, no speeches, and the few mentions of him in the
media have all been retrospective. Moreover, there are not a few signs that the Bush
administration is in retreat from some of Ashcroft's more outrageous positions.
For example, an honest-to- God accused foreign terrorist, Zacarias Moussaoui, is to be
tried by an honest-to-God federal court. A federal judge even entered a not guilty
plea for Moussaoui, who apparently wished to play it as it lay. Then, there are
indications that Talaban John Walker will also be tried in the federal courts even
though a case could be made that he lost his citizenship when he served in a foreign
army. A federal court would require the government to prove that Walker actually
committed a crime. Although Walker will have few to cheer for him, finding what crime
Walker committed is a legal quagmire. It would be easier to try Walker by secret
military tribunal along with other non citizens where legal niceties could be avoided.
Even if Ashcroft should appear on TV in the near future looking attorney general ish,
there will be no showing that he is actually in Washington. As we are all well aware,
it may simply be a video tape which Ashcroft prepared before or even after his
disappearance. The most reliable source on bin Ashcroft, Fox News, will hampen the
investigation by failing to broadcast it in full. Their excuse will be that they
wanted to prevent bin Ashcroft from sending secret signals to his supporters.
People are falsely blaming liberals for Ashcroft's disappearance. This is a base
canard, although I dare say they were happy to see him go. Most likely, bin Ashcroft
has fled on his own accord. He may have been hearing footsteps. Most paranoiacs do. No
doubt he is holed up in a cave in West Virginia surrounded by miltia folk who agree
with him that the Second Amendment is the most important amendment to the
constitution, so sacred in fact, that merely revealing the names of Brady Gun Law
registrants to the FBI is beyond the pale. These militia folk are a fierce crowd, well
armed with AK-47s and similar repeating weapons which they normally use only for deer
hunting.
It is too much to expect that the locals will take the risk of searching these caves
for bin Ashcroft. It is damn dangerous. Armaments aside, one could well wind up in the
clink for trying to out bin Ashcroft. Heaven knows, Ashcroft has imprisoned people in
this country on lesser charges. And another thing, the locals may in fact be bin
Ashcroft supporters, and accordingly are not to be trusted. Tribal chiefs in West
Virginia are known for their fierce independence. They are unlikely to take orders
from a Federal Government that has been trying to run them out of the moonshine
business for years and years. To paraphrase a Joan Baez lyric, some of them ain't paid
no whiskey tax since 1783.
Also, what is to be done with bin Ashcroft when he is actually found. And rest easy,
he will be found. It is just a matter of time. We will triumph over the evil doers and
bring them to justice. Dead is dead, of course, but a live free bin Ashcroft may well
revitalize his forces and take over the government. Perhaps he might be tried for
subverting the civil rights of all Americans. But would a jury convict? I don't think
so. The polls indicate that his policies are widely popular. If only he could ride, he
could be a Man on Horseback.
There is an obvious solution which I have somehow overlooked. Have him tried by a
military tribunal in secret. It will not matter that he will have no lawyer to defend
him since we all know he is guilty. Public opinion won't matter at all.
As to the sentence, my suggestion is that he merely be exiled. His unpopularity abroad
leads me to believe that in such event we will never hear from him again. Yet there is
a risk. Bin Ashcroft will surely find a job somewhere with kindred spirits such as the
North Koreans, Cubans or the Chinese. Bringing his skills to those people might be
really dangerous.
Arthur Joel Katz is a contributing writer for Liberal Slant
2002-2001-2000-1999-1998
LIBERAL SLANT Web Publications.
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