[ The set is a Western-style saloon, a lot like the one in "Desperado," but with a lower class of clientele. ]
Regular1: So WTF with this ME stuff, eh? Regular2: Yeah, WTF? Regular3: I hear that the whole territory around Fairfield has pretty much washed away, and they're still raising money for new butt-bouncers because they control the weather. WTF? WomanRegular1: But the ME *could* still work; it hasn't been thoroughly disproved yet! WomanRegular2: Yeah, and monkeys could fly out of my butt. That hasn't been disproved, either. GuysAtTheBar: Yeah! WTF! [ Just then a stranger walks in. Conversation stops for a moment as everyone turns to check him out. It doesn't take long. He's obviously from somewhere Back East, maybe even <spit> Neeeew Yawk. The stranger is such a dweeb that he doesn't realize that he's being checked out. ] Newb: So hey guys. I heard you talking about boats. You can't cross the river in more than one boat, you know. [ Deep silence, broken only by the clinking of glasses as everyone turns back to their beer and their real conversations. ] WomanRegular2: Sounds like there's a new preacher in town. <laughs> Newb: Why are you attacking me? Bartender! Why are you allowing this woman to attack me? Bartender: What woman? Oh, you mean Sal. Pay no attention to her...we don't. <laughter> Newb: But shouldn't you DO something? MODERATE her or something? Bartender: We don't really moderate around here, stranger. We don't think it's necessary. Newb: But this bar would be SO much better if you moderated...uh...people like this Sal, and kept her from attacking well-intentioned strangers! GuysAtTheBar: WTF? You don't LIKE our bar? Newb: I can tell that all of you people are low- vibe and unevolved and that you'd NEVER understand the complexity and the motives of someone as high and evolved as I am. So I'm going to stand here and shout at you for a while to try to uplift and educate you before I run away to the Victorian Teahouse, where I hear they know how to have a coherent conversation! Regular1: Did you hear something? Regular2: Just flies. Ignore them. To be honest, they make the beer taste better. Newb: But I'm INSULTING you! Don't you hear it? Regular3: So what *about* that ME bullshit, eh? Newb: Don't you DARE ignore me when I'm shouting at you and INSULTING you. Turn around and fight me before I run away! I demand that you treat me with the respect that I deserve. Turn around and FIGHT, you cowards!!! [ About seven or eight guys get up and start walking towards the Newb, who blanches visibly. He stares at them, terrified that at any moment they're going to reach for their guns and shoot him. They advance upon the Newb and surround him; he can smell the beer and flies on their breath. He watches in horror as, in unison, they reach their shootin' hands down. And unzip their pants with them, and then piss all over him. Then they turn around and walk back to the bar, or to their poker tables. ] Newb: Well, I sure showed you, didn't I?! You'll think twice before you dare ignore someone as highly evolved as I am in the future! [ The Newb stalks out. ] Regular1: So how much would YOU pay to see monkeys fly out of Sal's butt, eh? Regular2: Lots, dude. I mean, WTF?! Regular3: I'd swap my dome pass for tickets! [ Fade to gold, the bright, shining dharmakaya of the ancients, as everyone lifts their glass in unison and proposes a toast to the most important event of the day. ] Bartender: Let's hear it for monkeys flying out of Sal's but, eh? WTF! WholeBar: WTF!
