"Kirk" wrote:
> ----My question is what would change if Maitreya appeared?
The red phone rings, and President Obama is awakened.
O: "Hello?"
Army General: "Sir, we have an emergency. A person has appeared as if
out of nowhere and is doing miracles right and left. This person is
rapidly gaining a huge following. We've sent in our operatives to
infiltrate, and every one of them has stopped reporting back to us
except to say, 'Come here and worship the true Lord.'"
O: "Our operatives are converting to a religion? They're violating
their duty? They're turncoats? They're traitors?"
AG: "Yes, but that's the least of the problems we're facing. Sir, this
person is actually doing miracles as far as we can tell. He's moved
several mountains, stopped a hurricane, made whole buildings suddenly
appear filled with tables, chairs, and hot steaming platters of food
that the masses are eating and the platters replenish themselves as if
by magic. Several times he's been shot at by freaked out gun nuts, and
the bullets turn into parrots fluttering about and singing hymns of
every sort, there's a host of angels hovering above his head at all
times, there's dozens of "folks thought dead" who are physically alive
again and they're praying to him -- we're talking Elvis, Mother Thersa,
Abraham Lincoln, George Carlin, and Joesph Smith, and, Sir....."
O: "What?"
AG: "He's got a fifteen inch dong too?"
O: "Fifteen inches?"
AG: "Fifteen inches -- we took a picture of him with one of those
airport scanners that see through clothing."
O: "Fifteen inches?"
AG: "That's flaccid inches, Sir."
O: "Okay, so there's a miracle that I'm prepared to believe. But, aren't
the other reports merely a sorta of mass hallucinations?"
AG: "No, Sir! We've got every sort of video and other corroborations.
I'd go to personally inspect the situation on the ground, but I'm afraid
I'd be just another one of those who abandon their post. This guy's a
danger not just to America, but the entire world. He's wielding powers
like, well, like God."
O: "What kind of immediate threat is he?"
AG: "Well, everyone's quitting their jobs, no one's watching anything on
TV except the news reports coming out about this person, we've had two
of our atomic bomb rockets in silos be put out of commission by the
soldiers manning them, and the Pope is flying to see this person, so
once he arrives there, that's one billion Catholics added to this
person's following."
O: "Fuck! What's this person's name, what's he saying?"
AG: "He's saying his name is My-trey-ah, and that he comes to Earth
about once every 300,000 years or so to make everything hunkydory
again."
O: "Fuck! There goes the economy again, just after I'd spent trillions
to fix it."
AG: "Sir, with all due respect, the economy is not the issue. It seems
Mytreyah can do anything, and considering that he's already turned
bullets into pious parrots, it seems he can simply snap his fingers and
our entire defense structure could be flapping around any second now."
O: "Fuck! What do you suggest?"
AG: "Sir, we simply don't know the limits of this person's power. We
have a B-52 with a dozen nukes aboard -- waiting for your go signal."
O: "Where's Mytreyah at?"
AG: "He's in downtown Glasgow, Scotland right now."
O: "Well, drop the fucking bombs. Who needs Scotland in the face of
this crisis?"
AG: "Hang on to your hat, I just gave your orders to the pilot."
{ten seconds pass}
AG: "Sir, the pilot radioed back. He's inviting me to come see the
Lord."
O: "The bombs never got dropped?"
AG: "Not as far as we can tell."
O: "Send an intercontinental ballistic missile then."
AG: "One moment....."
AG: "Sir, every time someone goes to implement, they become a true
believer in this Mytreyah, and they refuse to follow orders. I'm afraid
to sic anyone else on this Mytreyah for fear of losing more personnel."
O: "What else can we do?"
AG: "Sir, I'm afraid that this is looking like the Second Coming. I'm
looking to you for leadership here."
O: "I'm still trying to recover from the shock of his flaccid fifteen
incher."
AG: "CNN just now is running a video of him hovering about 20 feet in
the air as he talks to the crowds. The Scots are goners. Must be a
million in the crowd already."
O: "Has he mentioned my name yet?"
AG: "No."
O: "Any other world leaders being mentioned?"
AG: "No."
O: "What's he telling the crowds to do?"
AG: "Enjoy themselves."
O: "That's it?"
AG: "Yes."
O: "What about paying the bills, the war on terrorism, having a new
car?"
AG: "No one seems to care about those issues. The crowd is not shouting
out questions. They all seem to think nothing matters but that this
Mytreyah has appeared and is taking care of all problems."
O: "What does that stack up to look like?"
AG: "Not sure, Sir. If this guy is what he says he is, seems to me that
no one is going to be interested in the "normal life" activities -- the
world will not be as we've known it. All bets are off as to what comes
next."
O: "I can't imagine."
AG: "Me neither."
O: "Say, any reports saying that Mytreyah is doing anyone 'personal
favors?'"
AG: "Yes. Cripples are walking, the limbless are suddenly whole again,
the blind are seeing, there's 90 year olds doing handsprings out of
their wheelchairs. All the convolescent homes have their lawns filled
with cavorting elders who have lost all their wrinkles, gotten their
hair color back, etc."
O: "No mention of anyone geting a larger dick?"
AG: "Well, one report says that someone named Nab is swinging a big
hunk of flesh now."
O: "I want a full dossier on this Nab."
AG: "He on the Internet message boards as the one who predicted the
coming of Mytreyah."
O: "Fuck, wonder what I'd have to do to, to, you know."
AG: "Well, if you go to Mytreyah, you'll probably be converted, and then
who knows what you'll get for that. I mean, the President of the United
States bending a knee to him must be worth some sort of reward."
O: "Even another inch would cool. Get Air Force One gassed up. Michele
get the kids ready, we're going to Scotland."
