There are essentially two paths to gathering hordes of devoted followers, gaining fame on the spiritual circuit, and making millions in the Guru business. Consider this a User's Manual for succeeding in the biz yourself.
IF YOU ARE BROWN-SKINNED AND FROM THE EAST: 1. Dress in traditional Eastern garb. This always wows Americans who, while touting their superiority, really feel inferior to older cultures and place the trappings of such older cultures up on a pedestal and revere them. 2. Claim to be part of a long lineage of "knowledge knowers" in India or Tibet or Nepal or China or where- ever you're from. You don't actually have to have actually *been* a member of this lineage, or be certified by it to teach; Americans are so gullible they'll never check. 3. Parrot teachings you've read in books or heard from other gurus, as if they were original with you. Again, Americans will never know they're *not* original with you. 4. Create a strong hierarchy mindset in your followers. That is, certain states of attention are "higher" than others; certain people in your organization are "better" than others; *they* are "better" than others because they belong to your organization. Works every time, because Americans are programmed to believe in hierarchical organizations and aspire to "rise to the top" in them. 5. Most important, tell your followers how "special" and unique and oh-so-important to the world and its future they are. The more you praise them and tell them what they long to hear, the more they'll toady up to you and do what you tell them to do, the most important of which, of course, is "Give me money." IF YOU ARE LIGHT-SKINNED AND FROM THE WEST: 1. You can't play the "I'm from somewhere wise, and therefore you should consider me wise" card. Fugedd- aboutit. Instead, play the "Yeah, it *looks* like I'm just like you but I'm really not...I'm special" card. 2. Read up on lots of esoteric, arcane stuff from the OTO or Theosophy or similar trips, just to get a feel for the language. You've got to get the language thang down, to make it sound as if you know what you're talking about, especially if you don't. Most useful are stories of *other people's spiritual experiences*, retold as if they were your own. Also useful are any flashy stories about siddhis or special powers and the like, because Americans (whose reading skills and taste in literature have often never progressed past the comic book stage) are real suckers for that. 3. Again, just as if you really were from the East, where the universe tends to be described hierarchically, be careful to promote the notion of hierarchy and the pairs of "better/worse," "higher/lower," "evolved/ unevolved," etc., for two reasons. First, as stated above, Americans are real suckers for hierarchical models; they long more than anything else in life to be perceived as "better," "higher," and more "evolved." Second, and more important, once you've got them believing *in* these hierarchies, you can use them to *control* your followers; all you have to do if any of them act up is suggest that them might be slipping or "falling" into the lesser/lower of one or more of these pairs of hierarchical "levels." 4. Develop a lot of jargon. The importance of this cannot be overstated. Americans are suckers for jargon that they don't understand, and will buy it without question just so they can repeat it to others who don't understand it any more than they do but will never admit this, just like they didn't admit it when they heard the unintelligible jargon coming from you. The less understandable the jargon the better, because it helps to reinforce the sense of them being "special" when they parrot it to others. 5. If you run out of things to say, don't worry. Your followers will never notice. Just keep repeating the same things over and over and over, as if they had failed to be promoted in school and had to "repeat the third grade" several more times. They're used to that. 6. Come up with a wild, almost unbelievable mythology to explain how you got so enlightened and all. Take L.Ron Hubbard as an example; he founded an entire religion on the lie that he "cured himself" of "life- threatening battle injuries" he never received. IT DOESN'T MATTER if the stories you make up aren't true; even after this lie has been revealed as a lie by unsealing Hubbard's military records, his followers continue to believe it and parrot it as if it were Truth Incarnate. 7. Hint a lot that you have special powers, powers that you never demonstrate, of course, because you're far too humble to do that. Among the most useful powers to convince your followers that you have are the ability to read minds (so that they'll be continually paranoid that you can "see" their doubts about you) and the touted ability to see the future. "Predict" the future all you want, because no one will ever remember you made the stupid prediction if it turns out to be stupid. They're far too invested in getting to hang with someone who can "see the future" and thus consider themselves "special" to actually check to see if the predictions come true. 8. Most important, cultivate a belief in your followers that reading about other people's spiritual experiences is "knowledge," and just as good as actually having those experiences themselves. Because that's all that is ever going to happen for them. GOOD LUCK, AND MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU... :-)
