--- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, Denise Evans <dmevans365@...> wrote: > > > > I took some time off to stop reacting, start cleaning out my house after > years of letting things pile up, mow the lawn for the first time, and revel > in the joy of silence of not having my teenagers over the July 4th weekend.  > I can say today that I am grateful for the opportunity to be received by Amma > and experience what I did at the Amma event.  In trying to make sense of it > all and put it in some objective context, I have spent hours online (in part, > educating myself in the cursory fashion that the internet facilitates so > well) on Hinduism, the "guru tradition", and various individual gurus. I have > spent hours reading posts elucidating a vast range in experiences. Yes, my > fear base  and  "trust issues" were triggered, which you picked up > on.  Yes, this experience has reinforced certain beliefs that I already > had, but was questioning. > However, today, I simply cannot judge or choose to negate anyone's experience > or path...it is certainly not my place and I am most certainly not qualified. > I have spent my entire life believing that I was not qualified to live my > life and did not deserve to be here.  I want relief.  I think that > basically....given what I was told prior to attending the Amma visit, I set > up internal and high expectations that were, of course, not met.  > I am in "recovery" on all levels since being laid off in January (by the > grace of God)...my stress level was so high that I can't even articulate the > despair and desperation, physical, mental and emotional exhaustion I was > experiencing. After 6 months off, I am just starting to be able to function > again - every month, another layer of stress exfoliates and beacon of light > shines through. > I am coming out of 18 years of working like a dog for corporate america, > raising my kids (the last five being the teenage years - it's lucky we fall > madly in love when they are born and little), realizing as I spiraled into > deep depression and pain on all levels, that I have to completely change my > way of living and relating to the world and myself. > Yes, I went to Amma praying for a miracle or two...desperately wanting to > "feel" what unconditional love and compassion felt like on a personal level. >  Yes, I was "hit" with energy - or shakti, persay - it didn't feel personal. >  I felt betrayed to some extent by the whole production for many reasons > I've already articulated, but in the end, I am glad I went and the primary > lesson that was reiterated to me was that I am left with myself and my > relationship to the world, the Universe, God.  Establishing and claiming my > identity and the right to "be" on this planet in this lifetime is hard for me. > What I have realized (and this is not the first time) is that I was again > searching outside myself for the answer - that I wanted relief and > self-forgiveness from something or someone else who was more evolved than I - > that I have never felt self-love or worthy, or complete in any fashion.  I > was raised by narcissists, began to "self-hate" at a very early age and have > attempted to "escape" through a variety of ways my entire life. > I hate the word "should"; I am tired of being told what and how to be.  I > don't want to follow anyone.  I get to decide - that is my birthright. I am > tired of reacting rebelliously in an effort to differentiate instead of with > respect to self and others. > I have decided that I cannot worry about how many more thousands of lifetimes > I will be "condemned" to return to the planet to work through my karma, nor > do I want to aspire to "transcending" or "enlightenment" or "preparing for > the afterlife" as a primary goal, and in particular as defined by others. I > want to love my life now and attain and maintain a state of gratitude.  I > want to feel a connected, peaceful, engaged part of life and revel in the joy > of being human.  > "It's a short trip from cradle to the crypt."  > Ya see,  perhaps I am integrating the experience despite myself and for > myself.  Tee Hee. >    > * * Ha! Beautiful. Sweet, honest, and heart-warming. Integrating into integrity!
Quoting Tom T's favorite sutra-meister once again, "When we are established in truth, our actions achieve the desired results. When we are established in integrity, all riches present themselves." Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and process with us, Denise! I feel nourished and enriched already!
