RE: My Bella's baby died

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 20:16:45 -0700

Hideyo,

You being in pain is simply you being you after the loss of a little one in your care.  The things people tell you in hopes of making you feel better do not lighten the impact of her death, nor do they mean to.  I believe they are meant to provide you tools with which you can use to help other kitties, in honor of the one who has passed.  The pain is natural, but so is healing.

When my Ninja died, I was devastated.  But I decided to take what I'd learned while she was ill and the strength of the bond we'd developed during her last months and use them to honor her and what she'd taught me.  I adopted Smoky and Bandit in order to give them the kittenhood she'd never had; to raise them the way she SHOULD have been raised. 

We still love you m'dear:)
barb

Hideyo Yamamoto <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
Nina, you know that you are making me cry even more after reading your email --- I am so grateful of your words – when you say “It does her honor to be grieved so greatly.”, that’s exactly what I wanted to do, but I couldn’t describe it what I am feeling.. I did not want people to tell me it’s okay, I did my best.. I can learn from this.. or did not want to feel better, because I felt that it lightens the meaning of her death.. I did not want to feel better, I want to cry and suffer, because I really need to honor her death.. thank you for saying that --- I don’t want to move on, or don’t want to feel that it cannot be helped because I did what I thought it was right.. because… no matter what, I took her life away and so what I did was not good enough for her.. she could have so much fun in ahead of her with her brothers and sisters and I took that way.
In a way, I want to carry this pain as long as I live so that I can honor her --- I don’t’ know if it makes sense.. sometimes, I feel what I do is not good enough as long as there is a life to suffer.. one too many… if you know what I mean…
 
From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of Nina
Sent: Tuesday, April 11, 2006 12:50 PM
To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org
Subject: Re: My Bella's baby died
 
Hideyo,
There isn't anything I can say to make Bella's baby's passing any easier on you.  It does her honor to be grieved so greatly.  What happened to the wee one breaks my heart, as much for her, as for you.  Please don't punish yourself for caring about those little angels.  You were up in the wee hours of the morning because you care.  We've had this discussion before, no matter how diligent, no matter how much love we have, no matter how much we WANT things to be different, sometimes there is nothing we can do to save our little Angels.  You know how I feel about the "what if" game.  It's one no one can win.  What if you had slept through the night?  What if you hadn't even been aware of the little baby's distress?  You may well have awoken this morning to find her gone.  You knew her temp had dropped, you knew her nose was stuffy, you knew she had lost weight, you knew these things because you are the best caregiver anyone could hope for.  Because of who you are, you did your best to save her, you took the advise you found in a book, a book you have because you care enough to do the best you can.  I'm sorry for your suffering, I understand it completely, but you, my dear, are not ignorant, you are as far from cruel as it is possible for a human being to get and stupid people are not capable of learning from the mistakes they make in this life.  Please stop using words like that to describe yourself.  It offends me that you should think of yourself so meanly, (that's my friend you're talking about!).  We all love you, we all know who you are, there is pain enough in this world without punishing yourself for not having the power to change what IS.  Please don't second guess your intuition when it comes to caring for all those that depend on you.  I am so grateful for your presence in my life.  The world is a better place because of you Hideyo.  That baby was loved and cherished, she is mourned, and she won't be forgotten,
Nina



Hideyo Yamamoto wrote:

I went into the nursing room about 1:30 am to feed Bella and to make sure that all the babies are doing ok… as I was feeding Bella, I noticed one of the babies was sleeping her mouth open, and nose sounded stuffy --- so I checked her temperature and it was lower than other babies and I checked her weight and was much less than others and seemed that she lost some weight or at least has not gained for the last day or two.. so I freaked out.. and I started warming her by wrapping her in wool and put her right by my stomach so that she could be gradually warmed up as the book said it’s danger to warm a chilled baby too quickly using a head pad.. and the book said that I should give some water/sugar and not to give any formula to a chilled baby.. and I did .. and soon after I did, she stopped breathing in a few minutes.. I think I choker her with water.. I am so ignorant, and stupid and cruel.  Bella was still nursing her, and I should have just put her back with Bella once I warmed her a little bit without trying to give any water – I was not careful when giving her water and probably gave her more than she could handle at a time.
Truth is we don’t know exactly what would have happened to her, but one thing I know that she did not die when she did if I did not do what I did.. she looked healthy, I think she just got chilled because I left a window open a little because Bella was hot ----
I cannot bring her back, but right now I feel that I need to feel this pain – I keep remembering her little meow and how I should have just put her back with her mama trust that her mama knows better than I do.. it’s too much of price to pay.. I had to take her life away to realize how stupid I am – I am sorry, you guys, I am just so sad and am just so angry at myself for carelessness and don’t know what to do and I just miss her so very much..
 



Barb+Smoky the House Puma+El Bandito Malito

"My cat the clown: paying no mind to whom he should impress. Merely living his life, doing what pleases him, and making me smile."
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