GL Sandborn wrote:
> David McMillan wrote:
>
>>
>> "Transient! Conn, Sensory, fictional transient bearing
>> 127.101.24.21! It's Foxtrot-13 again, Sir -- the Sandborn."
>> "Well done, Sensory. Chief of the boat, secure from lurk.
>> Mailroom, load outboxes 1 and 3 with ADCAP-CCs, firing point
>> procedures. Tactical, I want a dual stream-of-consciousness run on
>> this target."
>> "Solution updated, Captain. Mailroom reports loaded and ready for
>> launch."
>> "Stand by, Tactical. Chief, sound Action Stations, set Condition
>> C throughout the ship. Gentlemen... let's get ourselves a 'fic."
>
> Prepare to be reviewed. Welcome to F-Play with David McMillan and
> Mooooorgan Webb.
<squeak> Me? And MORGAN? Eeeeeep.....
> David: Today on F-Play we have the seventh attempt at a continuing Ai
> Yori Aoshi tale by an author who really ought
> to know better. Frankly, we don't know why they keep making these
> things. I mean, they go straight from posting on
> line to Stories for Cheap Bastards.
Did I say this? I don't *remember* saying this. Then again, they tell
me I was also doing the Gizmodo review of the new MIB neuralyzer that
same week...
> Morgan: Since David is the only person who can understand this story,
> I've left this review totally up to him.
>
> David: Thank you, Morgan. About the best you can say for this story is
> that if Kou Fumizuki ever read it, he's probably
> feel obligated to gouge his eyes out and commit seppuku. I mean, seven
> chapters now and not a decent scene for poor Taeko
> Minazuki. Sure, her granny gets some scenes but, come on, how much
> 'horny senior citizen talk' can you take? I understand
> that Joseph Palmer even had a chat with the author about this very
> subject and STILL there's no Taeko. Frankly, I'm
> appalled.
<scratches head> I dunno, the presence or lack of Tae doesn't much
effect me either way. Maybe it was my Evil Twin doing this review with
Morgan (CURSE MY ROTTEN LUCK!).
> Here's our review of: Wild, Wild East - Rebooting.
>
> BTW, have you noticed how cats are attracted to Morgan Webb's voice?
I think the audience is probably noticing that we're having Way Too
Much fun with this...
>>
>> GL Sandborn wrote:
>>
>>
>>> **********************************************************************
>>>
>>> This story has been written without the knowledge or approval of Kou
>>> Fumizuki - Hakusensha/ AIAO Project and Pioneer Animation. It is for
>>> the enjoyment of Ai Yori Aoshi fans and written with respect for its
>>> original creators and copyright holders.
>>>
>>> **********************************************************************
>>>
>>> The Wild, Wild East
>>> Chapter 7 - Rebooting
>>
>>
>> In which Our Intrepid Heroes... okay, our romantic-comedy leads
>> and their support cast are digitized a-la _TRON_ and beamed into the
>> Mat-- er, that is, the City of Mainframe.
>> What? Wrong crossover? Oh, well, carry on then.
>
> True, but you have to admit Dot Matrix was hot.
I have to agree. Says something about the state of my love life.
Of course, grown-up AndrAIa was hotter, IMO....
>>
>>> by GL Sandborn
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Tina groaned as the real world intruded on the darkness.
>>> Her head pounded like she had been drinking for a whole weekend.
>>> A bright light caused her to squeeze her eyes tighter and
>>> grimace. Where was she?
>>
>>
>> Sug: "...light pushing on her bruised eyelids..." or something.
>> Personally, I like the "kamikaze biker photons assaulting her
>> eyeballs" line, but that might be just a *bit* over the top. :)
>
> A BIT over the top? You're gonna force me back into 'purple prose' and
> THEN we'll see who's sorry.
It seems to be my unescapable fate.
>>
>>> The bitter aftertaste of chemicals still danced on her
>>> tongue. She needed a drink - even water.
>>
>>
>> Spoken like a true alky.
>>
>>> The chill of cold concrete penetrated her shorts and shirt.
>>> That had to mean she was on her back on a floor - somewhere
>>> besides the beach. The odor of concrete dust and old burlap bags
>>> tickled her nose.
>>
>>
>> I'm sure she has a funny "gee, the last time this happened..." story.
>
> Definitely a 'not again' scenario.
"And then this one time, at band camp--"
Oh, wait, wrong Xover. Move along.
>>
>>> Forcing an eye open, just a bit, told her the light in her
>>> eyes was from a single bulb overhead.
>>
>>
>> And firing STABBING BEAMS of PHOTONIC AGONY into her DEFENSELESS,
>> VIRGINAL eyeballs-- sorry? Over the top? Oh. Never mind.
>
> One more of those, buddy, and I'll make you do a skit with Morgan.
<comes to POINT like a bird dog>
>>
>>
>>
>>> "You're awake," Steven said, as if he was just noting the
>>> obvious.
>>
>>
>> "Any OTHER clever observations, Captain Obvious?"
>> "You're blonde. You're stacked. You're hung over. You're a
>> borderline alchoholic. You're a ditz. You really want me to throw
>> you down, rip your clothes off, and--"
>> "Forget I asked."
>
> No-no, do go on. That sounds like something that actually has a plot.
Methinks the author doth protest too much. Maybe we can put this in
the Authorized Ecchi Omake after the main series winds up. :)
>>
>>> As she sat up, a number insults swam through her head, each
>>> competing to be uttered first. She could only move her dry lips
>>> in contempt. That two-timing jerk.
>>> One particularly nasty oath worked its way free, but was
>>> still born when she heard the latch on the door click. It slowly
>>> swung open on squeaky hinges, revealing a large man holding an
>>> automatic pistol. He wasn't from room service.
>>
>>
>> Actually, some of the hotels I've been in, free fire support from
>> the staff is considered die rigeur. Although the tip rate is
>> substantially higher than 15%.
>> Might want to make more explicit here that Steve was *behind* the
>> door when it opened.
>
> No, he's doing his Spiderman imitation and clinging to the ceiling
> directly over the door.
SpiderHam -- this is definitely "WHAT THE-!?!" territory here.
>>
>>> As if he could tell Steven was nearby, the man hesitated.
>>> "Move from door," he said in poor Japanese. It sounded like
>>> something he had learned by rote.
>>
>>
>> NK intelligence obviously wasted the effort of kidnapping all
>> those Japanese nationals in the '70s.
>
> Well, these aren't the first team players. More like the fifth place
> intermural team.
Well, at least it's a level playing field between them and Stepehn's No
Such Agency.
>>
>>> "Ah, velly good. You wakie now," the little man with from
>>> the warehouse said with a self satisfied smirk. Wearing a
>>
>>
>> AAAAHHHGGG!!! It's Central-Casting Man!
>>
>>> miniature version of a tuxedo, he looked so much like a tiny
>>> penguin she expected him to break out dancing at any moment.
>>
>>
>> Naw, he's just an over-enthusastic Linux geek.
>> (post-read edit: Okay, this is even funnier in retrospect)
>
> Good, I was afraid everyone would miss my Larry Craig reference. :-)
...er, what?
>>
>>> "Where's the girl?" Steven asked in an even voice while
>>> still looking down at the floor.
>>> "Who?" The little man blinked behind his large round
>>> glasses. "She dare," he said, pointing to Tina.
>>
>>
>> "WHO DARES?!?"
>> "I dare. After all, if I do not dare for myself, who will dare
>> for me?" (Lee&Miller's Liaden novels -- shameless plug).
>
> Which will be reviewed on on a later show.
The one sponsored by Baen Publishing (now re-releasing all the Liaden
books in paper *and* DRM-free ebook format)
>>
>>> "The other girl," Steven corrected, his eyes angry slits as
>>> he now glared at the little man.
>>> "Oh, sure, you're worried about your girlfriend," Tina
>>> snapped. "You never even asked if I'm okay."
>>
>>
>> <snerk> At least he didn't say "Other woman."
>> And he can *see* that Tina's okay. Heck, he probably gave her a
>> full first-aid checkout while she was still comatose.
>> ...um. On second thought, we better not tell Tina that. You know
>> how she'll react.
>
> Happy, if he takes the time to whisper: "I'm Kaoru" while doing it.
>
>>
>>
>>> "Ah, not wolly," the little man said with a broad grin.
>>> "See?"
>>> He held his hands behind his back with a satisfied
>>> expression as another figure joined him in the doorway. Wearing
>>> a red evening dress that sparkled in the light, Akai wrapped her
>>> arms around the little man and gave him a discreet kiss on the
>>> cheek.
>>
>>
>> ...okay. I honestly thought she wasn't the one who sold him out.
>> I would have thought that she'd give up the act once the dart hit him.
>> But she must have kept on pretending until he was totally unconscious.
>> Smart, actually.
>
> Misdirection number one.
>
>>
>>> "Well now, you're not as stupid as I first thought," Akai
>>> taunted with a smirk. "We want to thank you for returning such a
>>> valuable part of our glorious people's weapon."
>>> "The one with the tracking device?" Steven said, his voice
>>> sounding like less like a growl than before.
>>> "Ah, yes." The little man rubbed the back of his head like
>>> he was embarrassed. "Stupid Chinese palts. Not wolk all time.
>>> Must be bloken."
>>
>>
>> Ah. Thus the strangely intermittent effectiveness of the NKs'
>> manhunt is explained. I was leaning more towards the trickle-charge
>> capacitor that could only send up a signal at long intervals
>> explanation myself, but I push electrons for a living. Besides, given
>> these characters....
>
> Misdirection number two.
>
>>> with a satisfied smile. "We might never had found you, if you
>>> hadn't come looking for me."
>>
>> "Yes, we had lost track of you back in Kagome," Akai said
>>
>> Seriously, what were the odds?
>
> In this story? Pretty good.
Okay, I asked for that one.
>>
>>> be abducted by brave agents of the glorious people's republic.
>>> In their country, my mother taught other women how to pass as
>>> Japanese. She was very good at her job. Because of that, I grew
>>> up in unbelievable luxury. I had everything I ever wanted." Her
>>> dreamy expression quickly turned darker. "I also learned all
>>> about how you running dogs enslaved half our country with designs
>>> on completing your conquest as soon as your forces were strong
>>> enough. Fortunately, our brave soldiers continue to this day
>>> their heroic stand against your pathetic criminals."
>>
>>
>> ....h0ooo, boy. Paging Doctor Electroshock, please report to the
>> holding cell.
>
> In a later chapter, maybe.
This girl could keep an entire company of psych deprogrammers in high
style for a decade or more....
>>
>>> "That enough, Akai," the little man said softly.
>>> "Today our glorious struggle takes a giant leap forward,
>>> crushing you imperialist dogs for the people of the world!" Akai
>>> finished with a pose that would have been right at home on a
>>> North Korean poster.
>>
>>
>> Except for, you know, that Capitalist Imperialist Running Dog
>> Lackey-of-the-Oppressors slinky red evening gown.
>
> Did I mention it was slit to the hip and open to the navel? [sigh] I
> always leave out those little details.
You did, but my imagination jumped right in to fill the void.
>>> "Sweetheart, are you sure you have the right book?" Akai
>>> asked.
>>> Holding it up for her to see, the little man grinned. "It
>>> one you gave me rast Clistmas."
>>
>>
>> <whistling while ignoring the irony of the DPRK celebrating that
>> particular holiday...>
>>
>>> Akai sighed. "Oh, yes, I remember now. 'How To Be A Good
>>> Villain' by Ian Fleming. It's a classic."
>>
>>
>> <CHOKE!>
>> Merciful God, it all makes sense now.
>
> Misdirection number three. (See how it all comes together?)
Once you realize this whole thing is a war between people who think
they're really in a James Bond movie (plus one Blonde Boozehound
Amateur), things suddenly become much more clear.
>>
>>> Tina groaned softly as her hand covered her forehead. She
>>> couldn't believe she had been captured by someone using a
>>> Hollywood 'How To' book.
>>
>>
>> I can. Of course, I suspect that Steven's No Such Agency may have
>> the companion volume as part of their training curriculum.
>
> True, but they have their own 'Cone of Silence'. Maxwell Smart runs the
> place. Wilfrod Brimley, when he's not doing diabetic commercials,
> trains agents.
But Stephen doesn't have a shoephone. How does anybody work for Max
w/o getting a shoephone?
>>
>>> from the aristocracy of this country. It is so important that
>>> many prominent people from Japan and America will be in
>>> attendance. Once they are all inside, our device will activate -
>>> killing everyone." She paused with a satisfied smile. "Of
>>> course, when the Japanese investigate, they will find the device
>>> and two dead American agents in the basement. The link between
>>> the dead people upstairs and who did the killing will be easy to
>>> make. Naturally, there will be outrage among the Japanese people
>>> - we will see to that. Demonstrations by the masses will
>>> 'spontaneously' spring up all over the country demanding the
>>> imperialist running dogs be thrown out. There might even be
>>> blood shed." She paused again, as if the thought of American
>>> soldiers gunning down protesting Japanese gave her a warm
>>> feeling. "Under pressure from the people, the Japanese
>>> government will turn against the imperialist occupiers of their
>>> country. Your military will be forced to leave. Then, Japan's
>>> pacifist government will withdraw all support for you Americans
>>> allowing us to take one giant step towards expelling your pitiful
>>> army occupying our land. All hail to our glorious army of
>>> liberation!" She struck another poster pose that caused the
>>> little man to sigh again.
>>
>>
>> Well, as plans go, it has the advantage of being simple.
>> Simple-MINDED, maybe, but still simple.
>
> It's a simple-minded world and these are happy guys because of it.
>
>>
>>
>>> "Thank you, my sweet," Akai cooed. She regarded Steven with
>>> an evil look. "Every eventuality has been planned for."
>>
>>
>> Doesn't the Fleming Manual tell you NOT to... oh, wait. It's a
>> manual for *Bond Villains.*
>
> Ian was quite the kidder.
One can only shudder at what mayhem might have been released upon the
world had he decided to be *serious*.
>>
>>> "The tracking device was a minor oversight. Our little
>>> 'toy' has much better parts - many of them American. Still, in
>>> case something doesn't work, we have made... contingency plans,"
>>> Akai replied with a self-satisfied expression. "I believe some
>>> members of the group that owns this building were quite willing
>>> to assist us in making those plans."
>>
>>
>> ....oh. Given that we KNOW what building this is, even if you
>> haven't tipped that card yet, that suggests that Something Is Rotten
>> in the Sakuraba Zaibatsu.
>> And the clan head, his wife, and their heiress are all in
>> attendance. So... who stands to gain?
>
> Next paragraph.
>
>>
>>> "Group? A Japanese group?" Steven asked.
>>> Akai shrugged. "They are naive but useful fools - and most
>>> willing to cooperate. They have certain goals of their own that
>>> require our assistance. Something about eliminating the leader
>>> of the Sakuraba Group allowing them to take over. Not that it is
>>> of any importance. We will deal with those fools when
>>> convenient. For now, we are pleased they can be useful to our
>>> glorious revolution."
>>
>>
>> Bets that the traitorous Sakuraba are planning on ratting out
>> their NK allies *just* too late to save everyone in the building?
>
> Wouldn't work. The Koreans would just finger the Sakuraba traitors as
> accomplices. It might not stick, but there would
> leave enough questions that the traitors would be ruined.
True, true. The *best* solution would be "shot while resisting
arrest," but that's hard enough to pull off for dictators who have total
control of the police. Awfully risky for the Traitor Sakurabans to pull
off.
Now, if the TSs were *smart,* they'd be worried about leaving
themselves open to blackmail after this. But I somehow doubt that
Akai&co are thinking along such small (not to mention CAPITALIST) lines.
>>
>>> Tina tried to hide her surprise at finding out there were
>>> members of Aoi Sakuraba's corporation involved. Turning her head
>>> away, she squeezed her eyes shut. If what Akai said was true,
>>> Aoi's parents were in danger. Aoi herself might also be just
>>> above their heads, oblivious to the ticking time bomb beneath her
>>> feet.
>>
>>
>> "Aoi," not "Miss Landlord"? That's significant.
>
> Or an oversight by the author. We'll just have to wait and see.
Well, Tina *is* an Amerigaijin. It would be sort of natural for her to
think of someone she's close to less formally, when she's worried and
stressed.
>>
>>> "What?" the little man asked, like he was surprised that
>>> Steven didn't understand the lethality of his weapon.
>>> "I think he is trying to describe our little toy, my love,"
>>> Akai said in a syrupy sweet voice.
>>> "Oh. He foo."
>>
>>
>> "I PITY the foo who crosses my boy Steven! I PITY 'em!"
>> <this gratuitous Mr. T cameo brought to you by The Coalition To
>> Add The A-Team To This Fic Just For The Utter Silliness Of It All>
>
> Not even the eloquence of Mr. T can save this turkey.
Okay, don't make me sign yo up for that Saturday Night Live self-esteem
course.
>>
>>> "Yes, he's a fool but I really want to tell him," Akai
>>> replied softly.
>>> "Book say it okay," he said with a shrug.
>>> "Our glorious scientists - who are much smarter than even
>>> your Einstein - discovered that a certain radio frequency when
>>
>>
>> Lemme guess -- They're all relatives of Tesla, right?
>> "frequency, when"
>
> Wasn't she in Full Metal Panic?
No, that was Tessa. Although, now that you mention it....
>>
>>> You see, the human body is covered with hair. Oh, we don't see
>>> most of it, but it is there - or shaved in the case of your vain,
>>> aristocratic running dogs. Each of those hairs has a follicle.
>>
>>
>> Given what she was wearing, before and now, she must indulge in
>> this particular decadent grooming habit herself. But only as part of
>> her cover, of course.
>
> I understand that Morgan has bravely agreed to check.
Better her than me -- Akai may be cute, but she's *poison.* Not to
mention, I don't wanna get any of those Crazy Commie Cooties on me....
>>
>>> When subjected to intense, highly focused radio waves, those
>>> follicles expand so quickly that they explode through the surface
>>> of the skin. I understand the resulting death is most...
>>> unpleasant."
>>
>>
>> ...that actually makes sense. Oh, I don't think it would be
>> workable in the real world, but causing *every* hair follicle to
>> explode really could be lethal. Severely incapacitating and scarring,
>> at minimum.
>> But it still *sounds* silly. "Death by radiological exfoliation"?
>
> Yup, that's the entire plot in a nutshell.
At least it *really* cleans out your pores as a side effect.
>>
>>> Tina suppressed a strong gulp as she quickly tried to
>>> inventory all the hair - shaved or not - on her body. The
>>> thought of all those follicles exploding at once sent a shiver up
>>> her spine.
>>
>>
>> Painful. Definitely painful. Full-body second-degree burns for
>> sure, maybe even some third, in certain... densely-populated areas
>> (ouch!).
>
> I dunno. If you look at the manga, Tina has nothing to worry about. ;-)
Obviously, I need to complete my collection. Although, even if she's
shaved, the follicles are still there under the skin. So even Tina's
still in danger.
>>> to his captives. "We go now. Thank rou for being part of plan.
>>> We have roverly parting gift." He gestured to the large man with
>>> the pistol. Fumbling for a moment with his weapon, the man
>>> pulled out a small package and placed it on the floor just inside
>>> the room.
>>> "What's in it?" Steven asked, his eyes riveted to the
>>> package.
>>> Akai giggled as she turned to leave. "Some pastries from
>>> our shop on the beach. They are to die for."
>>
>>
>> ...don't you just HATE villains who think they're clever punsters
>> as well?
>
> Morgan just asked if Adam Sessler could come back.
What? Why? Was it something I said?
>>
>>> As the door squeaked shut, Tina eyed her companion. "Well,
>>> this is another fine mess," she huffed.
>>
>>
>> So, which one of them is Abbot, and which is Costello? And who's
>> on first?
>
> No, seriously. She's backstage negotiating with the producer now.
Geez, I haven't been anywhere near as bad as Adam generally is....
>>
>>> "You followed me, didn't you?" he asked in an accusing tone.
>>> Tina hesitated before answering, slowly standing as she
>>> thought of an appropriate response. "I was --"
>>> Her reply was cut off by the door squeaking open again.
>>> Both watched warily as Akai stuck her head inside.
>>> "By the way. Little girl, you are really lucky to have such
>>> a good kisser for a boyfriend." She giggled like the whole idea
>>> was funny to her. "You two have almost fifteen minutes before
>>> the device activates. That should be enough time for you to --"
>>
>>
>> Oh, yeah -- we have to ratchet up the romantic/sexual tension
>> too. I almost forgot.
>
> Sessler will come back, but only if David does a "Hello Kitty, the video
> game" review.
Well, I *could,* as long as no one minds the review consisting me me
mostly screaming "MY EYES! The goggles, they do NOTHING!" whilst
repeatedly sporking my eyeballs out.
>>
>>> "If you had just stayed with Mrs. Minazuki, you would
>>> probably be on your way home." Sighing, Steven sagged against
>>> the side wall. "Now, everything has gone wrong. I didn't
>>> protect the key code device, I'm probably going to die because of
>>> it, and - worst of all - I'm responsible for getting an innocent
>>> bystander killed as well."
>>
>>
>> "Do you consider yourself an innocent bystander?"
>> "Lord knows I *try* to be." (Miles Vorkosigan and Ivan
>> Vorpatril, from one of Lois McMaster Bujold's excellent novels. /plug)
>
> On sale at Half Price Books everywhere.
And Baen Webscriptions.
>>
>>> "My shoe laces have a magnesium core," he said, pulling one
>>> lace free from its shoe. "The door hinges are on the inside. If
>>> I wrap these around the hinges, I should be able to burn them
>>> off. We can then remove the door and get out of here."
>>
>>
>> A pure magnesium core might not do it. A *thermite*
>> (magnesium/powered-aluminum) core would for sure, though, and be
>> easier to light.
>> What? Why are you looking at me that way? Haven't you ever
>> melted down an engine block to while away a slow Saturday afternoon?
>
> That's it! Morgan just walked. That engine block was out of HER car.
Morgan, I swear, I thought it was ADAM's car!
> I had to give up researching this when I got a nasty visit from Homeland
> Security because I was spending too much time
> on the web looking up 'magnesium' and 'thermite'.
<eyeroll> Good grief. I mean, *anyone* knows that you don't use
*thermite* for terroristic purposes, you just mix up a batch of [CONTENT
DELETED BY HSA ROBO-CENSOR #314159 -- WRITER RENDITIONED TO CAMP X-RAY
FOR MEMORY EDIT]
>>
>>> She watched as he wrapped a lace around each hinge. She had
>>> no idea what he was talking about, but he sure sounded confident.
>>> Of course, if anyone was still in the other room, the noise would
>>> give them away.
>>
>>
>> And the smoke. And flames. And globbets of flying molten metal.
>
> And how would that be different from when Steven and Tina usually get
> together?
...less flying molten metal?
>>
>>> "I'll check to see if the coast is clear," she said reaching
>>> for the door.
>>> Pulling it open, she stuck her head outside and looked
>>> around. Closing the door again, she smiled confidently.
>>> "There's no one out there. They've all gone."
>>
>>
>> Good thinking.
>> (!)
>> ...wait a second.....
>>
>>> Instead of congratulating her, Steven just stared as he
>>> slowly dropped onto his butt. "It wasn't locked?" he asked in a
>>> stunned voice.
>>
>>
>> ...!...
>>
>>> "Well, yeah. I guess it wasn't. Funny, we forgot to check
>>> huh?"
>>> Steven just growled as he snatched his shoe laces off the
>>> door hinges. "I can't believe I didn't check first."
>>
>>
>> Oh, trust me -- it's the kind of mistake even Bond would make.
>
> Wait a minute and I'll check.
>
> Yup, it's there.
Next it's going to be SHARKS with FRICKIN' LASER BEAMS attached to
their-- what? *Sea Bass*? Bloody EPA!
>>
>>> "Sometimes the simple things are the truth."
>>> With his hand on the door knob, Steven regarded her with a
>>> pained expression. "Do you even understand what you just said?"
>>
>>
>> Magic 8-ball says: "Not a chance."
>
> Mine just keep saying: "You Don't Want To Know"
You must have bought the Delux model.
>>
>>
>>> Tina stepped aside with a frown as Steven escaped the room.
>>> "Chick?" she said to herself. "No wonder he's never had a
>>> girlfriend."
>>
>>
>> Hey, now. I think he's demonstrated that he's a lot deeper than
>> that little slip of the tongue would imply.
>>
>>> She followed Steven until she spotted what had to be the
>>> only exit. Unfortunately, it was blocked by a solid steel door.
>>
>>
>> Good thing they saved the shoelaces.
>
> Yup. All he has to do is wrap them around the hinges.
>
>>
>>> Yanking a few times on the handle was enough to convince her
>>> that it was locked and secure. She tried pounding on the door
>>> and shouting but all that did was give her sore hands and throat.
>>> "Okay, there's no exit," Steven said, looking around. "I
>>> guess we better find that device."
>>
>>
>> What about the SHOELACES?
>
> The damn hinges are on the other side of the door!!!!!
Well, the narrator could MENTION that....
>>
>>> "It's probably over there," Tina replied without looking.
>>> "It's in a keg marked 'Coors, Golden, Colorado' - standard model
>>> E12. Probably an export version with--"
>>> "How did you...? Never mind. I don't want to know," Steven
>>
>>
>> I'm with Steve.
>
> Probably best.
>
> BTW, Morgan just sold your car to pay for replacing her engine block.
My CAPRICE CLASSIC??? MORGAAAAAN! Do you know how hard it is to find
those things these days? Their resale value is ridiculously high!
>>
>>> said, turning towards a single cylindrical object standing
>>> upright on its end in the middle of the room. Bundles of wires
>>> from underneath it ran across the floor in all directions,
>>> disappearing into conduits going up the concrete walls. It
>>> looked like a small, beached octopus.
>>
>>
>> But an EEEVIL octopus. With electromagnetic explosive-exfoliating
>> powers.
>> ...okay, still sounds silly.
>
> It's supposed to. :-P
It succeeded. :D
>>
>>> "Tell me something I don't know." Steven pulled off his
>>> laceless left shoe and worked the shoe's heel off to reveal a
>>> tiny compartment in a hollowed-out cavity. Inside was a small
>>> multipurpose tool. It didn't look like much but after a few
>>> twists and folds, it reformed into a tiny set of wire cutters.
>>
>>
>> Obviously, Fleming left the "ALWAYS STRIP BOND" chapter out of his
>> manual.
>
> They did. Didn't find anything. Of course, they failed to strip
> Steven. (Although, Akai volunteered.)
Lucky, lucky boy. Talk about dodging a bullet...
>>
>>> "Piece of cake," he said, wiping his brow before carefully
>>> easing out the wires. "There's only two."
>>> Instead of cutting wires, as she expected, he slowly sat
>>> back, a confused expression on his face.
>>> "What's wrong?"
>>> "There's no red wire," he replied. "I'm supposed to cut the
>>> red wire but there's only blue and yellow wires."
>>
>>
>> ...remember what I said about his agency's manual? You don't
>> build bombs to ISO standard color codes (of course, the NKs' Fleming
>> manual *should* have made them use Hollywood Standard Wiring, but
>> maybe they were out of red that week).
>> Of course, it could be worse. The last time I was in this
>> situation (okay, a only-somewhat analagous one), it involved about
>> thirty wires, all the same color, and none of them labeled.
>
> Had to keep it simple. Didn't want to spend the next two chapters
> disarming the device.
Yeah, they don't have the time to reverse-engineer the circuit. Took me
*hours*.
>>> "Cut either one," she insisted.
>>> "If I do that and pick the wrong one, the device goes
>>> 'boom'," he replied with a frown.
>>
>>
>> Only if there's an anti-tamper circuit. But since he's not
>> experienced enough to determine that....
>
> Come now, TV bombs ALWAYS have an anti-tamper circuit. There'd be no
> tension otherwise.
> Then what would the advertisers do for commercial breaks?
I concede the point -- your TV-fu is superior.
>>
>>
>>> Of course, she also liked yellow. Maybe, that's the right one."
>>> "You're a big help," Steven said reaching for the wires
>>> again. "I guess it's up to me."
>>
>>
>> Well, you could be in "The Abyss" -- knowing exactly which wire to
>> cut, but unable to tell which is which.
>
> I was always partial to the color blind EDU guy.
"You see, if looks yellow-blue to me, I know it's really red. Unless
it's got a tinge of purple, in which case it's really red-brown. Except
in bad light, which can make it look sort of muddy green...."
>>
>>> "Of course, you could always unplug it," she said.
>>
>>
>> Say what?
>>
>>> "What?"
>>
>>
>> Oh, don't TELL me--
>>
>>> Instead of answering, she leaned over and pulled the plug
>>> out of the wall socket. The device instantly went silent.
>>> Dangling the plug in front of him, she smiled smugly.
>>> "Who's the master spy now?"
>>
>>
>> That... that's not FAIR! I mean, what COMPETENT plotter builds a
>> bomb that PLUGS INTO THE WALL!?!??!???
>
> Ummmmm, ....... cheap Koreans?
I said "competent."
Of course, I was forgetting who I was talking about in the heat of the
moment.
>>
>>> Before he could answer, a larger panel popped open with a
>>> loud 'click', revealing a small screen. On it, was a familiar
>>> logo.
>>> "Windows XP?" Steven gasped as the screen scrolled through
>>> its memory check. "The damn thing is rebooting!"
>>
>>
>> Aaand, we have title!
>> Hm. XP seems like overkill for a trigger mechanism. Oh, who am I
>> kidding, a budget cellphone would be overkill (though handy). Who the
>> heck designed this thing, Rube Goldberg?
>
> Kim Jung Goldberg - of the Prongyang Goldbergs. I'm surprised you've
> never heard of him. After all, North Korea has more Jews than Israel.
> It's true. I read it on the web while researching 'things that go
> boom'. (Homeland Security and the Anti-Defamation League are fighting
> over my butt for that one.)
Maybe we can get adjoining cells? Probably have a lot of time to write
and do C&C in between waterboarding sessions....
>>
>>> yank and tug at its exposed wires. Some came out easily. Others
>>> resisted even Steven's best efforts.
>>> Tina chanced a look at the little screen again. "It now
>>> says: Welcome."
>>> "I hate you, Bill Gates!"
>>
>>
>> Amen, brother! Embrace the penguin! LINUX 4EVAR!!!!
>> Although to be fair, XP actually makes a pretty decent industrial
>> control system. *IF* you prune it heavily, lock it up completely, and
>> never ever let anyone get access to the system....
>
> That's the ONLY way to use XP. I tried it on line once. All I got was
> porn sites..... and another visit from Homeland Security.
Geez, even *I* can use XP without getting HSA on my tail. Except for
the time I tried using it to access NORAD...
>>
>>> "Don't blame him. It's probably a bootleg copy," Tina
>>> replied, pulling out a cable. "Now, if it was Mac OS, we'd be
>>> dead already." She paused and looked at the screen again. "Oh,
>>
>>
>> ...<SNERK!> I always knew the OS wars would turn lethal someday.....
>> Actually, a minimal Linux install boots faster than either.
>>
>>> it's okay. Blue screen. I hate when that happens."
>>> For several seconds, they pulled loose every wire they
>>> could, but more than half the wires were still attached. Tina
>>> took another opportunity to check the screen. "Rebooting -
>>> again. At this rate, it'll never activate."
>>
>>
>> <suspicious glare> GL, my sister's laptop started doing exactly
>> this after the last big Microsoft update (after which I nuked her
>> drive and installed Ubuntu, since the manufacturer failed to provide
>> any restore CDs. Coincidence? I think NOT!
>
> SEE? SEE?
Si, Senor!
>>> when Steven reconfigured his little tool again. Before she could
>>> ask what he was doing, he set about removing the screws holding
>>> the bottom on.
>>> Trying to pull wires that wouldn't yield was just getting in
>>> the way. Instead, she watched the little screen go through a
>>> series of debug screens before settling on one she understood.
>>> "Oh, it's now a cute little teddy bear and some numbers," she
>>> said.
>>
>>
>> ...Akai designed the timer, didn't she?
>
> Ain't tellin'. :-\
Heh.
>>
>>> "Numbers?"
>>> "Yeah, 30 - 29 - 28..."
>>> "A timer!" Steven gasped.
>>> "What do we do?"
>>> "RUN!"
>>
>>
>> WHERE????
>
> For the hallway upstairs. I hear it's a safe place. :-D
But Stephen hasn't used his shoelaces on door whose hinges location has
yet to be disclosed!
>>
>>> Scrambling to her feet, Tina dashed for the farthest corner
>>> of the room. Diving behind some crates, she landed hard on the
>>> cold concrete floor and rolled onto her back. She was only
>>> slightly surprised when Steven darted in behind her, covering her
>>> body with his own. It was a nice gesture but she doubted it
>>> would be enough when the device activated. They were still too
>>> close.
>>
>>
>> Actually, the ductwork and cabling going up into the ceiling
>> suggests waveguides, which could mean that the "bomb" isn't a bomb,
>> but rather a resonator feeding emitters upstairs in the main
>> ballroom. So being in the same room might be-- oh. No, Akai said
>> that they'd get killed to. So much for that happy thought.
>
> Careful. Homeland Security is still monitoring my Emails.
Oh, c'mon, even HSA couldn't take a Radiological Exfoliator
serious[CONTENT DELETED BY HSA ROBO-CENSOR #27182 -- WRITER RENDITIONED
TO BOSTON PD FOR RE-EDUCATION]
>>
>>> "Really?"
>>> "Yeah. The truth is, you're the only girl I really want to
>>> kiss."
>>> There - he finally said it. She got the same feeling she
>>> had back in Mrs. Minazuki's place - when he had his hands on her
>>> shoulders before he left. This was her second chance - her last
>>> chance. With only seconds left to live, she wasn't going to die
>>> unkissed.
>>
>> Unfortunately, it's too late for her not to die a virgin.
>> Which means this 'fic gets no lemon content, dangit.
>
> I tried that once. Wife kept taking them and making lemonade. Tasted
> better than they read.
Well, maybe we could get some lime...? Or there's this experimental
breed of apples I heard about that actually taste like lemon pie (minus
the meringue)
>>
>>> Her heartbeat pounded in her ears, sounding like distant
>>> thunder, muffled and indistinct. It resonated in the pit of her
>>> stomach, tickling long neglected nerves. She felt herself
>>> tremble as the very ground she lay on mirrored her anticipation.
>>
>>
>> Wow... the earth moved. Why do I think this isn't just metaphorical?
>>
>>> So this was what true love felt like. Imagine what his kiss
>>> would do.
>>> A blinding flash penetrated her closed eyelids, causing her
>>> to grimace. From somewhere across the room, came a loud
>>> explosion, showering them both with chunks of concrete and wood.
>>> "What was that?" she gasped, trying to look around Steven.
>>> "It's Akai's contingency plan," he shouted over the
>>> explosions that ripped the ceiling closer to them, causing lights
>>> to dance and flicker. A thick fog of concrete dust and smoke
>>> filled the air making it hard to see and even harder to breathe.
>>
>>
>> Yep, that's a mood-killer, all right.
>
> Flashbacks to my wedding night.
Someone bombed your hotel? That's just low -- the one time my hotel
got bombed, at least I was alone (except for the small army of Chicago
PD that showed up soon after...)
>>
>>> Steven jumped to his feet and snatched her arm, pulling her
>>> up. "We gotta get out of here before the whole building comes
>>> down on us!"
>>> "Where?" she shouted back. "The only reason we're still in
>>> the basement is because there's no way out. The stairs are
>>> blocked by a solid steel door and the basement has no windows."
>>> More explosions from further above were followed by the
>>> sounds of large sections of the building striking the ceiling
>>> above their heads. Muffled screams and the sound of running feet
>>> could be heard between explosions.
>>> Trapped in the basement of a collapsing building, her whole
>>> world was exploding, collapsing, and burning. Thick black smoke
>>> rolled across the floor like a charging demon. It was her worst
>>> nightmare come to life. This time, she wasn't going to wake up.
>>> This time, she was going to die.
>>
>>
>> This looks like a job for... SUPER KAORU! Which means that He and
>> Aoi will probably stumble onto the scene and Miyabi will (once again)
>> save everybody's bacon.
>>
>> IN OUR NEXT THRILLING INSTALLMENT:
>> Will Tina ever get kissed?
>> Will Steven ever get lucky?
>> Will Kaouru and Aoi bump into each other and pretend to be strangers?
>> Will Akai gets what's coming to her? (Or at least lots and lots of
>> deprogramming therapy?)
>> Will Miyabi get to work out some of her frustrations (by kicking
>> some traitorous hiney)?
>> Will the author ever quit teasing us with these romantic near-misses?
>> Will my C&C ever stop being this cheesy?
>> Find out in our next chapter! Same FFML time, same FFML channel!
>
> Morgan: And that's our review of Wild, Wild East - Rebooting. If you
> can't believe it has lasted seven chapters, you can check out the
> previous six at: * http://home.kc.rr.com/sandborn*. I'd like to thank
> my co-host, David McMillan, for his help this week AND his car.
Morgan... I'm sorry about your engine block, but selling of my car was
just uncalled for. You OWE me for this, girl. And I'm going to
COLLECT. <evil_laugh.wav>
> David: Join us next week when I'll be reviewing more 'Stories for Cheap
> Bastards'.
After all, fanfic if free b/c the audience is too cheap to shell out
any money for it.
> Morgan & David: Bye!
>
>
> This parody has been brought to you by the Department of Homeland
> Security. It's more than just a home. It's a homeland.
> And, Club Gitmo - where the author of this story will be spending a
> few.... uh, months, enjoying the warm weather and water sports.
> So the next installment might be a little late.
But his loyal C&C crew will be on-site with him, so we shouldn't see so
many delays between chapter postings and their lampoon-- I mean, C&Cing!
>
> - GL
>
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