Hi Guys: Nice discussion. Being from USA I have trouble understanding the small village views of - sex with men is ok but only love with women. We are usually taught that sex/love are tied together. The 'standard' view in the US is you only have sex with the one you love. In real life this is not true of course, it's just what we are told we are 'supposed' to do. All kinds of relationships develop.
The reasons I feel it's important to be open and tell everyone is very clear in this discussion. If your family will throw you out because they found out you have been having sex with guys then it is up to you to change this view in your family. It's not right to throw away a family member because of their sexual orientation. My view is you must tell your family and work through the problems so that it's easier for the kids coming up now. If you tell your family you like sex with men and make them understand that there is nothing wrong with you, then maybe you will make it easier for your nephews and nieces who are gay to be honest with their family and Not get thrown out. I also have the view that the one you marry should be someone you have no secrets with. If you take a wife she should know what you do and want to do BEFORE you marry. That way she can decide if you are the one she wants to commit to and have children with. She needs to be committed to 18+ years of raising and providing for any children she has and she should feel comfortable that she has picked a mate who will support her and the children for at least these years and hopefully for a lifetime. These are goals and society 'rules' but they don't work out that way always (or even often). But that is my view. I feel you should not be marrying a woman if you are doing it because your family wants it. You should marry only who you want to spend a life with and develop a family with. If you want to have sex with both men and women, and you want to have a marriage you need to find a woman who is comfortable with that. She may want outside relationships also. She may also like the idea of marrying a gay man because he won't be getting other women pregnant or falling in love with his mistress and because gay men are often so nice, clean and non-violent. I don't know what you wanted to ask the doctor. I think you should ask us. Your doctor knows about himself and his family. Only you know your family and we know about being gay/bi. Here are my answers to your questions from a USA view: > now my problem is > 1. if i continue to have sex with male, will it effect > my life after marriage? I think yes. You want your wife to feel comfortable that she knows who her husband is. Starting a family is a huge commitment and to make it dishonestly and with secrets is a bad place to start. I would want my children to think that being honest is most important. > If some one come to know about > what i am going to do? This is why you tell NOW and start working out these problems with your family/friends/business. If your family won't accept it then you need to start forming a new family from your friends. It's very hard but many people I know -like me- decide to give up their family first, move away, develop a gay family, then tell their blood family. That way if or when the blood family regects you, then you still have a family to depend on and who will support you through the hard times. Then you can start working on your blood family to make them understand that you aren't a bad or flawed person because you like sex with men. It could take years or it could be easy, it could also end your relationship with your blood family but they should know the true reasons why. That way they can start to work through their own feelings and maybe welcome you back. I thought I would be regected but the family is fine now. It took a little while but everyone is fine with it now. Most people in my fam ily already knew even though I still have to sometimes tell new people I meet who don't realize it. It's not really obvious when you meet me. Think of your potential children. If you had a child, would you want that child to be afraid that you would kick them out if they told you they were gay? They may think you would reject them, if you lie to your wife and family. You will be raising a child who feels its better to LIE to your parents. Do you want to raise a child who thinks dis-honesty is the best way to be a good child? I'd want a child who feels they can tell me anything and I'll still love them. I'd want a child who knows that if grandma and grandpa want to disown them because they are gay that I (mom or dad) will fight the battle with Grandma and Grandpa to not let this be a breaking point in the family. I'd even want them to know that I'll give up grandma and grandpa before I'll give up my own child. > > 2. How long i can hide like this ? I think you can NOT hide it. You may think it's hidden but people already know, and they also know you are lying to them. You can see when someone looks too long at a boy. Your wife will know that there is something amiss. Maybe you don't want sex very often or you bring gifts at strange times (guilt) or you leave on 'business trips' that other husbands don't seem to take. Or she just sees you looking too long at a man. She will know eventually. It's just where do you want her to learn that? From you? or from an accident that shows you have been lying to her and that you lied to her to get her to marry you? I bet your mother knows right now. She may pretend she doesn't but she probably does know. And she knows when you are lying to her about this. It may break her heart to know that you are going to have a difficult time because of who you are but why compound it by letting her know that she has raised a dishonest child who doesn't trust her love will always be there? I don't want to force you to do this - first you must realize that she may not be able to accept you and you may lose that relationship. Don't think that she doesn't love you. It's just that she is afraid of her family rejecting her. Think how great it would be if you had and uncle or your grandmother had a brother who had come out years ago and worked out these issues in the family already, so you could feel safe telling your secret. You have a chance to be that uncle or brother for the children that are coming up in the family now. If you do the difficult work now, then it will be easier for them. Even if they know the family will certainly regect them, they will know that Uncle Rahul will still love and respect them. Even if they decide to keep the secret from the family, they will know that they can cry on Uncle Rahul's shoulder when they break up with their boyfriend and he will understand. > i know i can not > say this to my family or to my coming wife. If i tell > they will through out of the home and my wife will say > i am "0.5" You know my view by now. Wife must know Before she commits to you. She deserves honesty. (p.s. what does "0.5" mean?) If your blood family throws you out then you must make a new family of your own. Best to do it before you tell. I have been the trailblazer in my family. I've told everyone, even the most religious. I have an older cousin who is a lesbian. She is 20 years older than me and if she had been open with the family then I wouldn't have grown up thinking that I had to lie to keep my family. Everyone knows she is lesbian and probably knew it long before she even knew. She was always a little like a dyke even before we knew what that meant. She still does not talk about this with the family. We all know she has a wife but I've never met her, seen a picture or even heard her name. (I think they've been together at least 20 years!) And my cousin knows I'm gay. She also knows that we all know! I talk to her about my sexuality but she is from an older generation (she is almost 60, I'm 43) and can't bring herself to tell me who she really is. And she is a College English Professor. She is excellent with words and confident in her abilities and also the ability to support herself and her family without any of us but she doesn't say the words "I am lesbian". She probably would if I'd ask her directly but I haven't yet. But she also is not dis-honest. She doesn't lie about it (in our family lying is worse than being gay). She just doesn't talk about it. That's sad because we don't get to share this happy and loving part of her family. I think she may be open with her Mother and brothers. Her brothers talk about it with me, so I know they know. I'm also her favorite cousin and have always been since I was an infant. She loved carrying me around when I was a baby and she was a teenager (maybe I got it from her, hahaha). Why she doesn't say the words to me, I don't know. She doesn't lie to me, she just doesn't tell the whole story. I've even been in the room with her and her brothers and other cousins and made gay jokes and talked about the men I think are sexy. She sees everyone knows about me and still respects me but she doesn't join in yet. Maybe someday she will. I hope she does. But now, because I'm open with everyone, all my nieces and nephews know they have a gay uncle in San Francisco and that the whole family still loves and respects me. So if they turn out gay or bi, they at least know that they can tell me and I'll still love and respect them. Maybe I'll also help them be honest with their parents and the rest of the family. If they tell their grandfather and their grandfather has a problem with it, I'll step in and help grandpa understand that this isn't a reason to stop loving their grandchild. They also know that I can say "My boyfriend" at the holiday dinner table and it doesn't cause a ruckus. Well, I've written way too much. I just want you to have a happy, open and honest relationship with your family like I have with mine. You might not be able to have the same and you have to do what you think is best with your family. That's just my view. You should also know that I've never wanted to have children or a wife of my own. I don't even really want to have a husband (it may still happen some day). So I don't have to worry about children or bringing home a husband. But I still felt it was important that my family knows that I like to suck dick and fuck guys but I'm still the funny, nice, HONEST, loving cousin/nephew/uncle/brother/son/grandson that they always knew. I hope you can find this with your family. Kyle San Francisco By the way, safe sex is always best and especially if you are planning on being a father. I've been positive for 20 years and it isn't easy. I'm also not interested in having a family and I always try to date only other positive guys. I like unsafe sex and prefer to only date men who tell me they are also positive, know I'm positive and want the same things as me. I have dated negative men and used condoms with them - I always tell potential partners before we have sex - but I'd prefer to be condomless and with someone who is already positive. (I usually meet men from my personal ads that say "POZ top for POZ bottom"). I just find it much easier to date positive men and I like starting from an honest spot. I've told my immediate family that I'm positive (dad, mom, brothers, sisters, and my lesbian cousin) but I don't know how many of the uncles/aunts, cousins, nephews and nieces know - I've told my parents and siblings that I want everyone to know but I don't know who actually does know. That's something I don't talk about at the dinner table, except when it's just my immediate family. I did ask my Dad if he told my very very religious aunt and he said yes. I've never talked with her about even being gay but I don't hide it around her. I know she knows, but I also know she doesn't like to talk about sex at all. She is still the same aunt to me as always. She even pats me on the knee and says "when are you starting a family?". I just laugh and say, "You know that's not going to happen" and then I talk to her about her grandchildren. I know she is happier not talking about gay stuff so I don't force it, but I will never lie to her. I just know she loves being a mom and grandma a nd wants me to have the same. khanna rahul wrote: Hi charlie, sohil and dereck Thanks for your mails. I dont know what to do? I thought of asking a doctor but what doctor will say about this? he may say safe sex is better. am sorry if i consider this as only as sex issue. you know how we ( rural place) brought up and the society. It is not possible to come out of it or get rid of it. at the end of the day I have to live here and mingle with these people, hence i must go according to with them. I am bit confused. I devide three kinds of relations ( i think sex, friends and love. sex: I like both men and women equeally(?). i like sex with men because some things like sucking and ass fucking can not be done with women. ( sorry if this chat room is prohibited to talk about sex). Thats why i go with men. moreover, it is cheap also, there is no need of trapping and roaming around women. There wont be any further complications like pregnancy. friends: I love my friends we chat, help each other, and we share every thing. This is only with men coz, women are not considered as friends here. Love: ohhh i hate to say this. first we try for free sex with a girl. next to show like status symble. if you have a girl friend you are considered as a big hero here. Still i havent find out real love like what i saw in movies. may be i have to go for arrianged marrige ( it is too far now) ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~--> $9.95 domain names from Yahoo!. Register anything. http://us.click.yahoo.com/J8kdrA/y20IAA/yQLSAA/WfTolB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> Group Site: http://www.gaybombay.info ========================== NEW CLASSIFIEDS SECTION SEEKING FRIENDS? VISIT www.gaybombay.info click on classified section and type your message in the post section once the link opens What's hot? What's not? Where are the LGBT parties being held and when? Click here!! http://calendar.yahoo.com/YYY,04497/srt,0/gaybombaygroup/?v=42&POS= Post:- [EMAIL PROTECTED] Subscribe:- [EMAIL PROTECTED] Digest Mode:- [EMAIL PROTECTED] No Mail Mode:- [EMAIL PROTECTED] Individual Mail Mode:- [EMAIL PROTECTED] Contact Us:- [EMAIL PROTECTED] Groups Homepage:- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gay_bombay Unsubscribe:- [EMAIL PROTECTED] Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gay_bombay/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
