g_b hai uday fromm toronto and marconi sam

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 11:36:35 -0700

hai guys,
 
thans for the patience for goinmg  thrrough the story.  u know, twice he has offered me to stay at night. but i have always said that, if i am on his bed , then i wldn;t allow him to speak. but still he invites me.  so what does it mean?
 
i am in afix. i dont wanna loose him as a best friend, at the same time, i wanna offer myself to him, like how a bhakta offers himself to his god, krishna. in the same way, i wanna give him pleasure. ofcourse, i wld be enjoying more by that.
 
he still calls me, respects me. likes me. i get confused if its only a friendly attitude or with a sense of love.
 
now a days, he calls me handsome, cos, being in dubai, i have become bit fair and built. he started liking me.
 
so guys what do u say.?
 
bye
 
longing for ur replies
 
yamahablack
 
 
marconi sam <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
HI friend...
I think u r a very sencible person....ur friend erally loves u..but as a freind only...Y cant u straightway express ur feelings to him...I think he is the best friend of urs and u r the best friend for him...so even if u ask straightway..no prob will b created...he will say yes or no...but at last he will not leave u alone...u both will b friends forever(if he really cares u)...bye

udai anand <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
HE LOVES U AS FRIEND AND U R TAKING IT DIFFERENT BEING GAY WE LOVE STR8 PPL IN DIFEERENT WAY -- FOR THEM IT IS VERY HEART TOUCHING AND U R TAKING IT WRONG WAY -- HV HIM AS FRIND -- HE KNO ABT U IN AND OUT AND HE IS RESPECTING U AND KEEP IT THAT WAY -- VERY FEW STR8 PPL HV OPEN MIND TO ACCEPT GAY FRIENDS -- SO PLEASE DONT LOOSE HIM.
 
UDAI FROM TORONTO

yamaha black <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
hai guys ,
 
 
this is a 8 years love story.
 
i am in love with a male, who is my friend since our college days. his name is sindoor. we were in our engineering days, when i fell for him.
 
lately all our classmates came to know and also the girls, ofcourse his girl friend too. i was at first attracted by his hunky looks, his fair complexion. his height. his strong body. his sexy smile, his rosy lips. his naughty plays and looks.
 
his stylish dressing sense used to drive me mad. during the fourth semester, he called home for combine studies. the whole nite, till 3 am we studied. and then he went asleep.
 
 we were getting calls from our other friends, who were making fun of us and atleast used to say sindoor, enjoy with your partner, he just used to give smile, nothing else.
 
i did not sleep, i was continously looking at him tll 6 am. his legs, his bermuda, his hair on the legs, thighs, his face, his hand, and finally i got the chance to wake him up in the morning 6am. i touched him for the first time. first his hand, i called him by his name to wake him. he was still in deep sleep.
 
then i started moving my hand around his body. first his hand, trhen shoulders, his face, his head, his hair, i started massaging. he was still in deep sleep. then his ears, his nose, his eyes and finally his lips. at that moment, i felt that i was on the top of the world. i was so happy. he got up. did not say anything. he dropped me home.
 
next day onwards, i had a very bad time in the college. he stopped talking to me. he tried to be away from me. but he could not close the mouths of the classmates. cos, everyone knew that i ahd spent a nite with him. so each and everyone were asking what actually happened. we did not bother to give explainations.

day by day he was going away from me. i was feeling very frustated. going to college had become a sort of punishment to me. after few months, things started getting better. he once agian started talking to me, but not as before. i used to ask his examination hall ticket, take it to the temple. and return it back. even this issue was highlighted by all friends.
 
but, he never used to sit next to me. he was actually afraid of the people around. but i was not. this continued for a long time. at last semester we went to project tour. i was pretending to be happy. but under se i was not. cos, i had to encounter him every moment. i literally stopped talking to him, i tried to avoid him, becos, i was fed up of all things that used to happen after that. i prayed for his prosperity, but never showed.
 
he never reciprocated to me. not even one day he came to me and said, i like u. i love is door ki baat hai. even his girl friend knew about it. one nite, i did not had dinner during the trip. i was sleeping at the last seat in the bus. i was not sleeping, i was aware what was going on outside the bus. everyone were having food outside. i was left, so all forced sindoor to call me. he finally entered the bus and called me. i did not go, then he said, plz come for my sake, at the moment, once again i was on the top. i went and had dinner. i saw his eyes, it was full of some kind of attachment. i was high.
 
at the end of the college, time came to be apart. we exchanged our autographs. i wrote about 5 pages, everyone in the class read that. but i did not bother. i also gave him to write atleast three words, he said that he would, but i never got the book back. we were away, i tried to come out of that and start a fresh life in this professional front.
 
after one year we were still no where. i thought of doing some software course. i was looking for it. he too was looking for it unknowingly. ( i did not know). he came to know from others that i was alos looking for it. he was alone those days. he called me once and said that he would be joining a course, if he gets one or two more people, the course fee would be greatly reduced. i was justing waiting for one all from him, soon i agreed. we had a good time together for 6-7 months. meantime, he got a job in call center. he joined that, then i was left once again alone. i did not join call center, cos, of my bad vocabulary and english.
 
after some time, two years back i got a job in dubai. i am working presently in dubai. i told him that i would be going to dubai. he said that he wants to meet me before that. he found time the previous nite before my flight, next early morning. i went to coffee shop to meet him           "coffee day"
he had two three gifts for me with the autograph book, he asked me, why was i smiling?, i replied- "cos, u r with me, walking with me, talking to me, looking at me". he smiled.
 
he gave ne two gifts- one candle boy, one alarm clock, other gift was given by his girl friend.
we were sitting adjecant, touching each others' knees. the whole coffe shop had one boy-one girl sitting, but only we were boy- boy. anyway, i didnot bother. it was already 10 pm. 7 am i had flight. he asked me to read the autograph. i went through. i was soo happy. it said that, love shd be experienced, cldn't be said. he also had written.--  though we r not close, we have a sense of belonging. i was touched when i read that he is bad at expressing.
 
i said that he is now feeling bad cos i am going away. i was really missing me. he said that now he is alone. he said that u cld now make out the difference between me and others who r no more with him. he hugged me. i was waiting for his touch. it was december 25th night 10:10 pm. everyone around saw that. my underwear became wet. i can even now feel the happyness i felt. the peak point of my life.
 
even now i call him, mail him. in this two years i went to india more than 8 times, everytime i meet him, go to movies, restaurants. we enjoy. once i had a nite out also, but we were so tired that i cld not do anything.
 
this time also he invited me for a nite halt. i did not agree, cos, i am afraid that if something happens, then the same relation he break, for take some other way. but even to this day, i have a basic doubt,
 
does he love me?
does he love me?
does he love me?
 
plz decide.
 
 
 
 
 

raahu an <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
Hello,

There are several issues to gay sexuality in India, which in a way I feel will be sorted only slowly with the passage of time when society evolves further.
 
I feel that basically human beings are empathetic and society will slowly start accepting gay sexuality as an integral part of it when it understands the fundamental processes behind gay sexuality and realizes how a gay person is not a threat to the family culture or the basic need to procreate the human race. Inducting gay sexuality as a normal part of human life would definitely not make everyone homosexual and sound the death knell for human race, but would just allow yet another individual [gay] to live in peace with himself and realize happiness and fulfilment.
 
It is my personal opinion that attempts to regularly educate the  society about the sensitive and scientific issues behind gay sexuality and clearing its [ society's] genuine anxieties as to what such a change could bring about to humanity would do much better than flagrantly and gaudily parading one's sexuality  in front of people once a while.  It is something like this: When things are told the way it has to be told then people will be more receptive to your ideas and this will bring about a lasting change. I reiterate that this is just my personal opinion.
 
******************
 
One problem a gay individual feels in a society which doesn't accept gay sexuality is ego dystonia [ an inner distress felt , when one's feelings are inconsistent with what one perceives  one ought to feel ] and a feeling of diminishing self esteem when he perceives the whole world around him straight,  excepting his close gay friends or the contacts at internet sites.
 
Also, what some of us indulge regularly  is visit gay pornographic sites, speculate immaturely as to which celebrity could be gay, morph pictures of our favourite celebrity in gay postures etc. One can see these aplenty in yahoo groups dedicated to indian gay individuals.  Since this challenged my sensibilities I have quit from most of these groups.
 
But what has helped me to keep up my morale as a gay man  and has also enabled me to view and also conduct myself with both dignity and grace is regular visits to sites such as
like http://gayinfo.tripod.com/ which enlist the life , pictures and achievements of famous gay individuals around the world [ except India of course!!!] who have contributed significantly to humanity.
 
Though I am closeted, going through such sites, has given me the inner strength, the ability to view myself with respect, the ability to face criticism and the ability to come out about my sexuality when the time comes.
 
I wish a discerning reader of this forum goes through such sites at least once in a while.
 
Best wishes,
 
R
 
4.8.2005

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