Hi there Amidst all the discussions on these lists on 2 related issues - whether gays should marry & second whether married gays should cheat on their wives, we invariably see life from our perspective & not the woman's perspective.
An Oprah Winfrey show aired in India this morning (dont know if & when it repeats, as these are old shows) titled 'Secret Lives - My Husband Is Gay' was an outstanding eye opener seen from the woman's perspective in addition to the man's. Again I was just fortunate that an unknown friend sms-ed me just as the show commenced. Thanks a ton whoever you are. I thought the easiest way to give you a feel of the show is to quote excerpts from the transcript rather than add my two penny bit. The three major captions said it all - 'Their lives looked perfect. One woman's husband slept with hundreds of men. Married cheating and gay.' 'Husbands and fathers who were secretly gay share their struggles.' 'A young woman's story coming out to her husband and mother.' Jeanice & Jim - Jeanice's life looked ideal from the outside a wealthy husband, two healthy sons, a gorgeous home and a booming yacht business. Little did she know that her husband, Jim, was leading a double life as a gay man. Jim says that he thinks he knew he was gay before he married Jeanice, but he felt like when he met her, he wouldn't have to be with another person woman or man. He then says he cheated on Jeanice 12 of the 15 years they were married. "Even when [Jeanice and I] were having great sex, I still had an attraction to men," Jim says. "I always sort of thought the gayness would eventually get out of my system. Once or twice she asked if there was another woman in my life, and I actually told her there was not. In the back of my mind I thought, 'Okay, there's men in my life, but there's no other women in my life.'" Jeanice says that she had absolutely no idea about Jim's homosexuality, and when he confessed to her the truth, she was floored. "He just came out and said, 'I'm gay,'" Jeanice says. "'I have been all my life.' I felt so betrayed, and I felt really angry at myself. Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I see the signs? My whole life was a lie." David - David is a gay man who says he is propositioned on the Internet all the time by married men who are prowling for men right from their own living room. He says he isn't surprised that so many married men are actually gay. "The coming out process is hard for many people. It was hard for me," David says. "I think it's easier to do what your friends, family and society expect of you than to what's right for you. You need to do what's right for yourself to be comfortable and happy for yourself." Joseph & Sara - Joseph tried to lead a "straight life," and when he met Sara in college, he believed she might be able to "change" him. They married after college and had two beautiful daughters. But Joseph could not stop thinking about men. He began viewing gay porn online and in shops, and soon met a man and began having an affair. After Joseph came out to Sara, they decided that, for the benefit of their family, they would try to continue to stay married and live together. "We don't pretend to be lovers. We made an agreement that he would live downstairs while we worked through this. And we remain the best of friends, though. That doesn't change in our relationship. That's how it started. And that's how it continues. In our family, we have always been tolerant and have always been surrounded by people who are different than ourselves. So we just continue to stress that the tolerance is important." Joseph says that hurting and deceiving Sara was the worst part of the whole situation. He says that, for him, worrying about his family's reaction kept him from coming out for so long. "It was pretty negative in our family to be gay," Joseph says. "Growing up, you know, even the slightest feminine behavior that they'd see that I had, they would correct. Every time they'd correct my behavior, of course I saw that as being negative. The way I talked, the way I walkedI always felt ashamed whenever I was corrected on my behavior." Carol - During 30 years of marriage, Carol Grever had no idea that her husband was having sex with other men. In the beginning, she had thought she found her perfect match little did she know her husband was having affairs with hundreds and hundreds of men. When her husband finally confessed to her, Carol was, of course, devastated. She says that she relates this kind of unimaginable pain to what a person goes through when dealing with a death in the family. "You go through the stages of death you go through when another person dies," Carol says. "And you have to take care of yourself. You have to do what's best for you. Whatever that would be. I would say [to other wives] find a counselor." Carol says that after going through these stages, she realized that, in a sense, she felt relieved." [For years] I had thought I was not sexy enough or beautiful enough or interesting enough," she says. "I thought there was something wrong with me. So it was a big relief. I thought, 'Maybe I'm okay after all.'" Carol separated from her husband, remarried & wrote a book 'My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Guide to Surviving the Crisis'. In an effort to process her pain and confusion, she sought out other heterosexual women, of all ages, ethnicities and educational backgrounds, who were married to gay men. The stories she uncovered examine these women's coping strategies and form the basis of this manual for healing. Nikki - Nikki says that her whole life she tried to be the woman that everyone wanted her be. She married and had two daughters, but at the age of 27, the truth was eating away at her. Nikki finally came out to her family. She says that coming out to her mother, Patricia, was the most difficult, and she did so through a letter. Patricia says, "I was shocked and devastated to learn it. And I understand even more today where that shock and devastation came from. It was a death for me, too, watching this very embracing relationship and family come to an end. It was extremely difficult for me." Nikki says that revealing her true self was necessary for her to go on, and at the same time, she doesn't believe her marriage was ever a façade. "I still don't feel like my marriage was a lie," Nikki says. "I loved him and I wanted that life. I just felt like I needed to follow what I thought everyone else wanted me to do. ...It's been a journey. It's still a journey. But being true to who I am is most important. I hope it lets my girls know that you need to stand up for who you are on the inside." Under the pen name Nikki Rashan, Nikki wrote a novel called 'Double Pleasure, Double Pain' with the hope of reaching out to women going through similar experiences. Quite some sharing ...you can well imagine how emotional the women & men were on the show. I hope atleast a few of the married men reading these invaluable sharings do learn their own lessons & apply it to their relationships with their wives. More importantly I hope that unmarried gays also grow within reading this & take total responsibility of their life & relationships. Take care Warm regards Parth ------------ Group Site: http://www.gaybombay.info ========================== This message was posted to the gay_bombay Yahoo! Group. Responses to messages (by clicking "Reply") will also be posted on the eGroup and sent to all members. If you'd like to respond privately to the author of any message then please compose and send a new email message to the author's email address. Post:- gay_bombay@yahoogroups.com Subscribe:- [EMAIL PROTECTED] Unsubscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Digest Mode:- [EMAIL PROTECTED] (attachments are removed in the digest mode. 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