So, unless everyone on these lists is totally tuned off news and only to things like Tom Daley's coming out as bisexual (yay!) we can't have escaped getting involved in the many debates thrown up by the Tehelka case.
I don't particularly want to get into the actual Tehelka case here, but more into the discussions thrown up about what is appropriate conduct in workplaces. Because here the views are more complicated than as regards the specifics of the Tejpal case and you will have people who, while being quite appalled at what he did and hopeful he gets convicted, are still fearful of what future relations between men and women in the workplace will be. For example, I've heard of one company where a guy specifically asked for no female interns to be assigned to his team for fear of being accused of sexual harassment. When someone pointed out that he would have to actually sexually harass them to be accused of it and surely he was not proposing that, he said that he was just afraid that anything he did might be construed as inappropriate conduct and he couldn't work that way. This says more a lot about the insecurities (and perhaps hidden guilt) of a lot of guys in the workplace and despite the absurdity of that response, in general it shows how this case could ignite a lot of useful reflection and conversations. And amid all this I've been wondering how these issues apply to gay men. Because, in a sense, if men want an example of what its like living in a world where the objects of one's attraction are significantly empowered and able to strike back at unwanted sexual advances, then you're talking about the lives of gays (and lesbians, though the power equations are perhaps subtly different between women). I'm definitely not claiming higher standards for gay guys. Many of us are will act as boorishly as straight men in the presence of other gay guys or less empowered men whatever their sexuality. All those stories of casting couches or rape of male servants are an example. Yet in a way its the prominence given to those stories that shows up the difference - maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but I think actors make far more about casting couch fears than actresses do and cases of male servants being molested are far more likely to make a media story than that of female servants being molested. Of course, I'm not trying to downplay the seriousness of the casting couch (though I will admit to mentally rolling my eyes slightly when some muscular, hunky guys claim how weak and helpless they were when a gay director made a pass at them) or of any kind of male rape, but the point is that it is treated with seriousness and most gay guys know it is and despite the stereotypes just don't go there. Reinforcing this is the knowledge that cases of straight men having to fight off gay assaults are probably rather less than the cases of gay men who have been bashed or killed because of the perception straight men have that gay men are hitting on them (or have had consensual sexual encounters which the straight guys want to deny). What this means is that most gay men are quite guarded about expressing their personal lives, leave alone attractions. Many of us may not be closeted, but we just shy away from discussing our personal lives and at least part of the reason is that we feel that such sharing will make listeners uncomfortable or get the wrong idea. I know that I tend to be much more formal with the men in the office than with women, especially if the men are attractive. In the past I've just avoided dealing with some of these men and long back, in my first job and before I came out, I had a serious problem working with a boss who I found really attractive. I couldn't have imagined hitting on him in any way (fantasised maybe, but never dared do anything), but the fear of his finding out I was gay and wondering if I would hit on him was just crippling. I know this doesn't make much sense, but in the end it was so bad I just had to transfer to another division. In an ideal world such complications shouldn't happen and perhaps its a matter of confidence. Some flamboyant gay men seem to deal with this better by being so open about their sexuality that they can say what they want - though perhaps its because they play a caricature of the flaming queen and so anything they say about attractions and sex isn't going to be taken seriously. It would be a pity if straight men have to react with the same sort repression in dealing with women, and yet perhaps a level of this kind of formality is not a bad thing in the workplace. What has the experience of people on these lists been? Have you suffered from same sex harassment in the workplace or do you know of cases of friends who have? Hopefully no one here is guilty of same sex harassment, but have you had crushes like the one I had on my first boss that have screwed you up in the workplace? Could all these fears about sexual harassment actually help gay men in some ways by making it easier to assign women to them? A friend of mine gives tuitions and gets all the girl students since their parents know that he is "safe" - but on the other hand, he's very wary of being accused of behaving inappropriately with male students, and always makes sure he is never just in a room with one male student, but always has others around. Have you had any experiences like this which you can share? Vikram
