Please explain me how Discourse could be spying on you if you self-host it. Are you sure you're not confusing it with Discord ? But again, as I said, anything other than Google Groups (and now that it was mentioned, even less facebook) will do for me, as long as it's a forum (so, no live chat or "group" thing). If you prefer some old phpbb to Discourse, I'm very fine with it.
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