Walt-I noticed you were not posting. I get the feeling I am not your cup of tea, but for what it is worth, we do have more in common than you perhaps think.
I was abused many times during my childhood. By my parents, by a school teacher who was a child pornographer, by total strangers. Seems rather a lot doesn't it? One reason why i believed oiyt was my fault for many years. How could it happen so many times? Simple. i was abused by my parents(my brother swears he saw my father rape me but I don't recall that-I just recall his nastiness and his fists. My mother was just as nasty and inappropriate in her touching and comments) and was therfore 'set up' to be victimised again and again. I was frightened of adults and was very desperate to be a good boy, so i did whatever an adult told me. it would not have occurred to me to do otherwise. This went on way into my own adulthood. I had no conception of what boundaries were, let alone felt I had any. I 'voluntarily' had sex plenty of times as an adult because I could not say no and because I numbed out and therefore could not do anything for myself. I was the subject lots of times (like thru school) to physical abuse becasue my reaction was to 'numb out' and not react in anyway-I just stood there whilst I was hit or kicked and spat on. ALL my relationships with people suffered. i had totally inapporopriate 'friends', i was easily manipulated and treated badly and taken advantage of. i didn't recognize any of that then. I just believed it was my fault if you treated me badly. I must have been bad. I was very fortunate to have met John almost 21 years ago. During most of our relationship I was confused by him and convinced he must have some ulterior motive, that he was a closet psycho. I just couldn't believe he loved me. Spiritually too, I was stuffed. I was taught God hated me, I was very bad and destined for Hell. A very real fear for me that really came to the fore in therapy. I was terrified. I was finally telling and truly believed I would be struck down dead and pushed into that fire. I fell apart completely. Honour thy Mother and they Father. Well telling on them wasn't honouring them so I knew I was evil.Plus I knew I was anyway because if my own parenst hated me then I must be bad. Unlike your sister, I didn't forget anything. I just didn't feel anything. I remember precisely when i stopped feeling. I witnessed my best childhood friend killed before my eyes when i was 7. It was a racially nmitvated killing. He was half japanese and I half spanish so we were 'wogs' and were bullied all the time. he was killed during one of these attacked. I KNOW people can repress memories because i have no recollection at all of the actaul death. I know I was there. it was in the papers. the front page headline was 'THE BOY WHO DIED OF HATE' I remember clearly the paper. I remeber when asked who the boy was on the front page I said 'me'. I wa asked because I had not spoken about it. To this day i don't remember him or the incident. anyway so i stopped feeling until June 26th 1994 when the dam burst. Very very scary. I fell into the darkness and had no choice but travel thru it. I'd rather die than repeat that. I am glad it happened. I have learned a lot of things-mainly that i believed a lot of nonsense, that my world view was corrupted. I believed I was evil, stupid and worthless. I had not felt anger or rage toward anybody ever because I never realised that i didn't deserve what happened. i knew what had been done to me was bad but I believed 'i drove them to it'. So now I knew a new feeling and I hated it-anger and rage. i also knew shame like never before. How could I have been so gutless and stupid? How could I have let this happen to me? I still struggle with that feeling today. i cringe inside when I recall the stuff I have let people do to me, the so called friends who used me, who didn't give a toss about my feelings. I have spent so long trying to forgive my abusers and only recently have relaised that i have been barking up the wrong tree. it is me I need to forgive. I just don't know how. The list has helped me greatly over the last 4 years. Thru the many lovely people I have met amnd thru those not so lovely. I have learend I can express myself. I have learned that many people are screwed up and behave badly and don't think about it. I once got into a spat with a person. I for the first time, told them precisely what i thought of them - that they were cruel, hypocritical and other things. i believed every word and still do. This person passes themselves off as highly moral and a good xtian and is no longer on the list(i think) but still writes to my friends telling them what a bad person I am! I guess I really pushed some buttons for them. So anyway, life is often a struggle, confusion and doubt are constant companions. I ofetn wish I hadn't written something somthing or other, that i would keep my gob shut. But having been quiet most of my life I find that rather difficult now!!!! I know I piss people off. I am too forthright. and too honest. perhaps I still don't get the boundary thing. I truly believe tho that i take care the best I can not to be nasty to people. I do not name call. not that it makes any difference really. People read what they want to read and feel what they feel. Sometimes I feel i should not be open at all about my life but then I think to myself that it might help someone(and I know it has from the mail i get) and besides,it was silence and secrecy that nearly destroyed me. Sorry this was so long Walt. Some post just set me off and i off i go on a roll and spew. i fyou reply, please do so only to me as this was apersoanl reply. take care colin
