For those of you celebrating Thanksgiving.
>Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this >Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't >act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've >made a few small changes: > >Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper >bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that >no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch >sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect. > >Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall >is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and >fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've >gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having >them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front >yard. The mud was their idea. > >The dining table will not be covered with expensive >linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, >we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a >fork. > >Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using >the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins >from last Christmas. > >Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit >and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be >displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted >from the finest construction paper. The artist >assures me it is a turkey. > >We will be dining fashionably late. The children will >entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be >happy to share every choice comment I have made >regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey >hotline. Please remember that most of these comments >were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the >turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. > >As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will >play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children >should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal >drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously >like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. >They are lying. > >We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell >to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we >chose to keep our traditional method. We've also >decided against a formal seating arrangement. When >the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table >and sit where you like. > >In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to >sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next >door. > >Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person >carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative >onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. >For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a >private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, >under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at >me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to >check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The >turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will >eventually win. When I do, we will eat. > >I would like to take this opportunity to remind my >young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football >play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the >head with warm tasty bread. > >Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration >of the meal, and especially while in the presence of >young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its >lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner >questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese >Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains. > >Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of >offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious >desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin >pie, garnished with whipped cream and small >fingerprints. You will still have a choice; >take it or leave it. > >Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this >Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year >either. > >I am thankful.
