David
Subject: NOAH BUILDS A NEW ARK (or not) In the year 2006, the Lord came upon Noah,who was now living in Wales,and said,"Once again,the earth has become wicked and overpopulated,and I see the end of all flesh before me.Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing,along with a few good humans" He gave Noah the drawings,saying "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start unending rains for 40 days and nights" Six months later,the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" he roared,"I am about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me Lord," begged Noah,but things have changed,I needed Building Regulations approved because the Ark was over 30 metres.I have been arguing with the Fire Bigade about the need for a sprinkler system.My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission prior to building the Ark in my garden,because it is development of the site,even though in my view,it is a temporary srtucture,but the roof is too high.I had to appeal to the Secretary of State for Decision' The Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too steep and the inside of the Ark wasn't fully accessible.Then the Department of Transpory demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and overhead obstructions,to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.I told them that the sea would be coming to us,but they would hear nothingof it. Getting the wood was another problem.All decent trees have preservation orders on them and we live in a site of special scientific interest,set up in order to protect the spotted owl.I tried to convince the enviromentalists that I needed wood to savethe owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals,thr vRSPCA sued me.They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.They argued that the accomodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council,the Enviroment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couln't build the Ark until they'd conducted an envirimental impact study on your propsed flood.I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Oppoertunities Commission on how many BME's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons.They insistI have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark building experience.To make matters worse,Customs ans Excise seized all my assets,claiming I'm trying to leave the Country illegally with endangered species. So,forgive me Lord,but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. Suddenly the skies cleared,the sun began to shine,and a rainbow streched accross the sky.Noah looked up in wonder and asked"You mean you're not going to destroy the world"? "No" said the Lord."The Government already beat me to it"
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