In message <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>, Simon Young <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes >Its part two continued!!! Enjoy!!!
OK, Ladytron and Stereolab may not exactly be top mod conversations but please, please, no more jokes! > >Sime. > >"Ever notice how many of women's problems can >be traced to the male gender >? >> - MENstruation, >> - MENopause, >> - MENtal breakdown, >> - GUYnecology." >> >> "What do an anniversary and a toilet have in >common ? >> Men always miss them." >> >> "Q: What can a bird do that a man can't ? >> A: Whistle through its pecker." >> >> "Q: Why did God put men on earth ? >> A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn." >> >> "Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in > >common ? >> A: They're usually intended for children, but >it's the men who usually end >> up playing with them." >> >> "Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their >backs ? >> A: Because their balls fall over their ass-hole > >and they vapour-lock." >> >> "Q: Why do women live longer than men ? >> A: Someone has to stick around and clean up the > >mess after them." >> >> "Q: How do you keep male employees on their >toes ? >> A: Raise the urinals 12 inches !" >> >> "Q: Why do men have pet names for their penises > >? >> A: Because they don't like to take orders from >a stranger." >> >> "Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who > >are sensitive and caring ? >> A: Because those men already have boyfriends !" >> >> "Q: How are men like laxatives ? >> A: Because they irritate the shit out of you !" >> >> "Q: Why is food better than men ? >> A:Because you don't have to wait an hour for >seconds." >> >> "Q: What's the difference between pregnant >women and men ? >> A:One has morning sickness, the other has >morning stiffness." >> >> "Q: Why don't men have PMS ? >> A: What would be the point, they act like that >all the time." >> >> "Q: What three two-letter words denote 'small' >? >> A: Is it in ?" >> >> "Q: What is a man's worst nightmare ? >> a) the Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap >opera, >> b) his wife has amnesia and forgets how to >cook so he has to do it, >> c) a female boss, >> d) he has to ask his wife for money." >> >> "Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis ? >> A: So they can think with an open mind." >> >> "Q: What's the most useful part of a man ? >> A: The wallet." >> >> "Q: How can you tell that God is a woman ? >> A: If God were a man, he would have put the >balls on the inside." >> >> "Q: Why don't men need to use so much toilet >paper ? >> A: Because God made them perfect arseholes !" >> >> "Q: Why did God make Adam first ? >> A: A Practice makes perfect." >> >> "Q: What are the three words a woman can always > >expect from a man after >sex >> ? >> A: How was I ?" >> >> "Q: How are men like chocolates ? >> A: They never last long enough and they always >leave stains whenever they >> get hot." >> >> "Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven ? >> A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell >!" >> >> "Q: Why do men name their penises ? >> A: Because they want to be on a first-name >basis with the one who makes >all >> their decisions." >> >> "Q: How is a man like a snowstorm ? >> A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how > >many inches you'll get or >> how long it'll stay." >> >> "Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of > >the penis called ? >> A: The man." >> >> "Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than >for women ? >> A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's > >already there." >> >> "Q: What do you call a handcuffed man ? >> A: Trustworthy." >> >> "Q: Why are men like commercials ? >> A: You can't believe a word they say." >> >> "Q: Why are men like popcorn ? >> A: They satisfy you, but only for a little >while." >> >> "Q: Why are men like blenders ? >> A: You need one, but you're not quite sure >why." >> >> "Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm ? >> A: Because so many men fake foreplay." >> >> "Q: Why are women so bad at parking ? >> A: Because men keep telling them that this >(make gap with thumb and >> forefinger) is 25 cm." >> >> "Q: What's the difference between a bar and a >clitoris ? >> A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar." >> >> "Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic >evening ? >> A: Sex." >> >> "Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a >candlelight dinner ? >> A: When the power goes off." >> >> "Q: What do men and women have in common ? >> A: They both distrust men." >> >> "Q: How can you tell the difference between >men's real gifts and their >guilt >> gifts ? >> A: Guilt gifts are nicer." >> >> "Q: What do you instantly know about a >well-dressed man ? >> A: His wife is good at picking out clothes." >> >> "Q: How is a man like the weather ? >> A: Nothing can be done to change either one of >them." >> >> "Q: What is the difference between a man and >childbirth ? >> A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes >almost unbearable while the >> other is just having a baby." >> >> "Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe >environment, and eliminating >hunger. >> What do men dream of ? >> A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Swedish >Bikini Team." >> >> "Q: What do you call a man who expects to have >sex on the second date ? >> A: Slow." >> >> "Q: What is the one thing that all men at >singles bars have in common ? >> A: They're married." >> >> "Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is ? >> A: An insurance company." >> >> "Q: Why don't men often show their true >feelings ? >> A: Because they don't have any." >> >> "Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis ? >> A: So oxygen can get to their brains." >> >> "Q: What's easier to make: a snowman or a >snowwoman ? >> A: A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a > >snowman you have to hollow >> out the head and use all that extra snow to >make its testicles." >> >> "Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his >brain missing ? >> A: Castrated." >> >> "Q: What's the difference between government >bonds and men ? >> A: Bonds mature." >> >> "Q: What's the difference between a man and >E.T. ? >> A: E.T. phoned home." >> >> "Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners ? >> A: So men can remember them." >> >> "WOMENS RULES FOR MEN: >> 1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't >be meeting them. >> 2. If you want to control someone, sleep with >your remote. >> 3. I always choose chocolate over men - ALWAYS. >> 4. 51% Love Goddess, 49% Bitch. Care to push >your luck? >> 5. My sexual preference is NO. >> 6. My body is a temple, now get on your knees >and pray. >> 7. It's not the size that counts, it's....no, >wait, size does count. >> 8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, >spice, and everything nice. >> 9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right > >the first time and you can >> walk all over them forever. >> 10. Save your breath for your inflatable date. >> >> Phrases you don't tell a naked man: >> - I've smoked joints fatter than that. >> - Ahh, it's cute. >> - I'm sorry. >> - Who circumcised you ? >> - Why don't we just cuddle ? >> - You know they have surgery to fix that. >> - My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. >> - Oh no, a flash headache ! >> - My 8-year-old brother has one like that. >> - This explains your car. >> - Are you one of those pygmies ? >> - Why is God punishing you ? >> - But it still works, right ? >> - Do you take steroids ? >> - Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes ? >> - Aww, it's hiding. >> - Are you cold ? >> - If you get me real drunk first. >> - Is that an optical illusion ? >> - It's a good thing you have so many other >talents. >> - Does it come with an air pump ? >> - So this is why you're supposed to judge >people on personality. >> >> >> >> >> WOMEN BASHING >> >> "And then Adam said, 'What's a headache ?'." >> >> "There are a number of mechanical devices which > >increase sexual arousa in >> women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz >380SL convertible." - P. >J. >> O'Rourke >> >> "Q: What do women and condoms have in common ? >> A: They both spend more time in your wallet >than on your penis." >> >> "We have drugs to make women speak, but none to > >keep them silent." - >> Anatole France >> >> "A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the > >purgatory of the purse, >and >> the paradise of the eyes." - Fontenelle. >> >> "Christ called as his Apostles only men. He did > >this in a totally free and >> sovereign way." - John Paul II (1920- ) >Polish Pope. >> >> "If women didn't exist, all the money in the >world would have no >> ning." - Aristotle Onassis >> >> "If my wife really loved me, she would have >married someone else !" >> >> "No man should marry until he has studied >anatomy and dissected at least >one >> woman." - Honor de Balzac (1799-1850) >French novelist. La Physiologie >du >> mariage. >> >> Man: You remind me of the sea. >> Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting >? >> Man: NO, because you make me sick ! >> >> I was making out with my date: "Hey, baby, I'd > >like a little pussy", I >> whispered in her ear. "Oh, me too", she >replied, "mine's as big as a >barn". >> >> "There's a difference between beauty and charm. > >A beautiful woman is one I >> notice. A charming woman is one who notices >me." - John Erskine. >> >> "Here's to our wives and sweethearts - may they > >never meet." - John >> Bunny. >> >> "Every woman's a 10. It just depends upon which > >base you're counting in." >> >> "God created woman. And boredom did indeed >cease from that moment - but >many >> other things ceased as well! Woman was God's >second mistake." - >Friedrich >> Nietzsche (1844-1900) German philosopher. >> >> "I have never had a woman to give me a >headache." - 112-year-old South >> African Nicklaas Amsterdam, explaining that >life without sex had worked >> wonders for him. >> >> "In Sicily, women are more dangerous than >shotguns." - Fabrizio, The >> Godfather. >> >> "Don't be a sexist. Chicks hate that." >> >> "The way to a woman's heart is through your >wallet." - Jeremy Keating. >> >> "My wife helped intensify my religion. Until I > >married her, I didn't >> believe in hell." >> >> "Girls are like pianos. When they're not >upright, they're grand." - >Benny >> Hill. >> >> "Nymphomaniac /n./: A Girl That Can Only Count >Up To Sex." >> >> "El Nino taught me that some of the most >beautiful things in nature are >also >> the most dangerous. Like 30 foot waves, giant >thunderstorms, and topless >> blondes driving on rain-soaked highways." - >Mark Schmidt >> >> "In the beginning, God created earth and >rested. Then God created man and >> rested. Then God created woman. Since then, >neither God nor man has >rested." >> >> "Q: What is the difference between a dog and a >fox ? >> A: About 5 drinks." >> >> "I had a wife once, but her husband came and >got her." >> >> "My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same >way." - Henny Youngman. >> >> "A good wife always forgives her husband when >she's wrong." - Milton >> Berle. >> >> "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her." > >- Bumper sticker >> >> "I was at a magic show once, and the magician >chose my wife for a helper >and >> then sawed her in half. Alas, it was only an >illusion." - Larry Hirsch. >> >> "You know, I've been wanting to go out with you > >ever since I read the >stuff >> on the men's bathroom wall two years ago..." >> >> One day God said to Adam, "I'm going to give >you the perfect mate. She >will >> do everything you ask of her and she will >always love you." >> >> "That sounds great, but how much will it cost >me ?" Adam asked. >> >> "Oh, God said, It will cost you an arm and a >leg." >> >> "Well Adam said, What can I get for a rib ?" >> >> "I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I >don't like to interrupt >her." >> >> "Women: You can't live with them; You can't >live without them. That's >> probably why you can rent one for the evening." > >- Jim Stark. >> >> "If there is one thing I know about women, it's > >that you should never >laugh >> until you absolutely - I repeat, absolutely - >know that they're >> ing." - Mark Dockham. >> >> "I think the fact that feminism has just >recently arrived after a few >> thousand years of male domination says >something: women are a little >> w." - Graeme Glinski. >> >> "I have P.M.S. and a handgun; Any questions ?" > >- Seen on a woman's >> T-shirt. >> >> "Woman are like elephants to me. I like to look > >at them but I wouldn't >like >> to own one." - W.C. Fields. >> >> "Q: How do you make a hormone ? >> A: Don't pay her." >> >> "Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days >and doesn't die." >> >> "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes >because I know I'm not >> dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." > >- Dolly Parton. >> >> "A woman marries a man expecting he will >change, but he doesn't. >> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't >change, and she does." >> >> "A woman has the last word in any argument. >> Anything a man says after that is the beginning > >of a new argument." >> >> "The natural reason why women's butts are >bigger than men's is that the >> anvil must always be bigger than the hammer." >> >> "If all the research spent on beauty products >for women had gone to space >> research, there'd already be fries stands on >the moon" >> >> "Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the >wedding" - Stephen Wright. >> >> "If But for the Mercy of my Lord, that my >paradise becomes a woman's >> l." - St. Augustine. >> >> "A woman's place is at her husband's feet." >- Pope Pius XIII. >> >> "Women should be obscene and not heard." - >John Lennon. >> >> "'twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I >never had the courtesy to >thank >> her for it." - W. C. Fields. >> >> "A lady is one who never shows her underwear >unintentionally." - >Lillian >> Day. >> >> "My girlfriend said: 'If you loved me you >wouldn't drink so much', I said: >> 'If I didn't drink so much I probably wouldn't >love you'." - Gary >> Muledear. >> >> "Women are like telephones... They love to be >talked to, they love to be >> held, but if you push the wrong button... >you're disconnected ." >> >> "Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up >to the most beautiful woman >in >> the room and say: >> >> "You've got something hanging out of your >nose". Hey, since I've got no >shot >> at her, I might as well humble her a little for > >the next guy." - >Michael >> Hayward. >> >> "When women go wrong, men go right after them." > >- Mae West. >> >> "I've found that a good way to get slapped by a > >feminist upon meeting her >is >> to reply: 'Oh. You're a feminist ? I think >that's so cute'." >> >> "A man who won't lie to a woman has very little > >consideration for her >> feelings." - Olin Miller. >> >> "A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A >woman will pay $1 for a $2 >item >> that she doesn't want." >> >> "My friend goes through the wedding section of >the Sunday paper looking at >> the brides-to-be and picks out a >Dog-of-the-Week. I think that's cruel >> toward women. Myself, I look to see who shows >the most cleavage." - >Dave >> Henry. >> >> "A woman worries about the future until she >gets a husband. A man never >> worries about the future until he gets a wife." >> >> "A successful man is one who makes more money >than his wife can spend. A >> successful woman is one who can find such a >man." >> >> "Any married man should forget his mistakes - >there's no use in two people >> remembering the same thing." >> >> "There are two times when a man doesn't >understand a woman - before >marriage >> and after marriage." >> >> "Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten." - > >Bumper Sticker. >> >> "- Can I smell your pussy ? >> - Hell NO you pervert !! >> - Oh ! Must be your feet..." >> >> "Beauty times brains equals a constant." - >Beckhap's Law. >> >> "Save the Whales - Harpoon a Fat Chick" - >Bumper Sticker. >> >> A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: >"Wife wanted". Next day he >> received a hundred letters. They all said the >same thing: "You can have >> mine". >> >> "When a man steals your wife, there is no >better revenge than to let him >> keep her." >> >> "Women complain about sex more than men. Their >gripes fall into two major >> categories: (1) Not enough. (2) Too much." - > >Ann Landers >> >> "The best measure of a woman's honesty isn't >her income tax return. It's >the >> zero adjust on her bathroom scale." - from >Arthur C. Clarke. >> >> "You know, she speaks eighteen languages. And >she can't say 'No' in any of >> them." - Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), US >writer. Speaking of an >> acquaintance. >> >> "There are no ugly women, only lazy ones." - > >Helena Rubinstein >> (1882-1965), Polish-born US cosmetics >manufacturer. >> >> "Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume ? >> A: Because they are ugly and they stink !" >> >> "Failing to be there when a man wants her is >woman's greatest sin, except >> for being there when he doesn't want her." - > >Helen Rowland. >> >> "There goes a woman who knows all the things >that can be taught and none >of >> the things that cannot be taught." - Coco >Chanel (1883-1971), French >> dress designer. >> >> "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." - >Winston Churchill, replying to >> Lady Astor who had said, 'If you were my >husband, I'd put poison in your >> coffee'. >> >> "Harris, I am not well; pray get me a glass of >brandy." - George IV >> (1762-1830), upon seeing Caroline of Brunswick, > >whom he was to marry, for >> the first time. >> >> "You have sent me a Flanders mare." - Henry >VIII (1491-1547). Said on >> meeting his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves, for >the first time. >> >> "The great question that has never been >answered, and which I have not yet >> been able to answer despite my thirty years of >research into the feminine >> soul, is: What does a woman want ?" - >Sigmund Freud. >> >> "Woman /n/ An animal usually living in the >vicinity of Man and having a >> rudimentary susceptibility to domestication >[...] The species is the most >> widely distributed of all beasts of prey [...] >The woman is omnivorous and >> can be taught not to talk." - Balthasar >Pober. >> >> "When four or more men get together, they talk >about sports. When four or >> more women get together, they talk about men." >> >> "Men are self-confident because they grow up >identifying with >super-heroes. >> Women have bad self-images because they grow up > >identifying with Barbie." >> >> "All women are overweight by definition, don't >argue with them about it." >> >> "Q: What is the difference between a battery >and a woman ? >> A: A battery has a positive side." >> >> "- Dad, what's a vagina look like ? >> - Son, before sex, a vagina looks like a pink >rose, with soft, lovely >> petals, and the aroma of perfume. >> - What about after sex ? >> - Have you ever seen a bulldog eating a >milk-shake ?" >> >> >> >> MISC >> >> "Why do moths fly with their legs apart ? >> ...have you seen the size of moth balls ?" >> >> "Why does an elephant have four feet ? >> ...it would look bloody silly with six inches." >> >> "A belly button is for salt when you eat celery > >in bed." >> >> "Q: What kind of bees give milk ? >> A: Boo bees." >> >> "Without nipples, breasts would be pointless." > >- Jody Nathan. >> >> "I wouldn't be caught dead with a >necrophiliac." >> >> "Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie >Pettigrew ate some sheep's >> testicles for a bet... God, that sheep kicked >the hell out of him..." - >> Ripping Yarns. >> >> "...One witness told the commissioners that she > >had seen sexual >intercourse >> taking place between two parked cars in front >of her house..." - The >> Press (Atlantic City, N.J.), 6/14/79. >> >> "Familiarity breeds contempt, but without a >little familiarity it's >> impossible to breed anything." - Noel >Coward. >> >> "An egg is the unluckiest danged thing in all >creation: it only gets laid >> once, it only gets eaten once, it takes eleven >minutes to get hard, it >comes >> in a box with eleven other guys, and the only >one who ever sits on its >face >> is its mom." >> >> "People say to me, 'Danielle, you're such a >wonderful person. Why are you >> single ?' How the hell do I know ? Why don't >you ask the people who aren't >> dating me ?!?" - Danielle Henderson. >> >> "At 72, I'm still the Latin Lover. What am I ? >A fairground freak ?'" - >> Marcello Mastroianni. >> >> "It's been so long since I made love I can't >even remember who gets tied >> up." - Joan Rivers. >> >> "Like the ski resort full of girls looking for >husbands and husbands >looking >> for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical >as it might seem." - >Alan >> McKay. >> >> "Too much of a good thing is wonderful !" - >Mae West. >> >> "For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The > >G-spot is in the ears. He >> who looks for it below there is wasting his >time." - Isabel Allende. >> >> "We may eventually come to realize that >chastity is no more a virtue than >> malnutrition." - Alex Comfort. >> >> "When choosing between two evils, I always try >to choose the one I haven't >> tried before." - Mae West. >> >> "I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are >powerless to act in cases of >> oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some >way obstructed interstate >> commerce." - J. Edgar Hoover. >> >> "When others kid me about being bald, I simply >tell them that the way I >> figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many >hormones, and if others >want >> to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to >them." - Senator and >> astronaut John Glenn. >> >> "I don't understand why women get upset when >you compare them to one of >the >> monkeys from Planet of the Apes, even one of >the heroic ones, like Dr. >> Zera." - David James. >> >> "The most important thing in a relationship >between a man and a woman is >> that one of them be good at taking orders." >- Linda Festa. >> >> "Learn from you parents' mistakes - use birth >control." - Bumper >sticker. >> >> "The one who snores will fall asleep first." >> >> "A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It >protects the property without >> obstructing the view." - Joey Adams. >> >> "The only reason I would take up jogging is so >that I could hear heavy >> breathing again." - Erma Bombeck. >> >> "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog > >or have a child. We can't >> decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our >lives." - Rita Rudner. >> >> "I'm trying to finish writing a script for a >porno movie, but there are >just >> too many holes in the plot." - J. Hutter. >> >> "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get > >a free dog." - Wendy >> Liebman. >> >> "Whenever I have a birthday, I think back over >the past year, how I've >spent >> my time, what I've accomplished, what regrets I > >have, how I've tried to >make >> the world a better place, and what exactly I've > >been doing with my life >over >> the past 365 days, and I think to myself: 'Man, > >I wish I'd gotten laid >> more'." - R.M. Weiner. >> >> "The perfect lover is one who turns into a >pizza at 4:00 A.M." - >Charles >> Pierce. >> >> "The wagon of love breaks down under the >baggage of life." >> >> "Never accept an invitation from a stranger >unless he gives you >dy." - >> Linda Festa. >> >> "One more drink and I'll be under the host." > >- Dorothy Parker. >> >> "People to whom you are attracted invariably >think you remind them of >> someone else." >> >> "I bet the people of Gomorrah felt like they >got the short end of the >stick. >> After all, they didn't get a perversion or a >criminal activity named after >> them." - Mike Miles. >> >> The National Science Foundation announced the >following study results on >> corporate America recreation preferences: >> 1. Sport of choice for maintenance level >employees: bowling. >> 2. Sport of choice for front line workers: >football. >> 3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball. >> 4. Sport of choice for middle management: >tennis. >> 5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: >golf. >> Conclusion: >> The higher you are in the corporate structure, >the smaller your balls... >> >> "I'm hung like Einstein and smart as a horse." > >- Bumper Sticker. >> >> "Practice safe sex: go fuck yourself." - >Helmet Sticker. >> >> "Do the words sex and travel mean anything to >you ? Good: FUCK-OFF !" >> >> A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The >chicken is smoking a cigarette >> with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg > >is frowning and looking a >> bit pissed off. >> The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, >"Well, I guess we answered that >> question..." >> >> > > > > >===== >"Whatever the question... >...LOVE is the answer" > >__________________________________________________ >Do You Yahoo!? >Find the one for you at Yahoo! Personals >http://personals.yahoo.com > > -- Mark McNulty ==^================================================================ This email was sent to: [email protected] EASY UNSUBSCRIBE click here: http://topica.com/u/?aVxiMu.aVzSEg Or send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] T O P I C A -- Register now to manage your mail! http://www.topica.com/partner/tag02/register ==^================================================================
