Oh Yippeee! Thanks Simon I'm sure we will all "enjoy!!!" When's part 3 coming?
-----Original Message----- From: Simon Young [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]] Sent: 14 November 2001 13:50 To: KTF KTF; modslist; northern mods northern mods Subject: jokes-a-plenty part two continued! Its part two continued!!! Enjoy!!! Sime. "Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender ? > - MENstruation, > - MENopause, > - MENtal breakdown, > - GUYnecology." > > "What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common ? > Men always miss them." > > "Q: What can a bird do that a man can't ? > A: Whistle through its pecker." > > "Q: Why did God put men on earth ? > A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn." > > "Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common ? > A: They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who usually end > up playing with them." > > "Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs ? > A: Because their balls fall over their ass-hole and they vapour-lock." > > "Q: Why do women live longer than men ? > A: Someone has to stick around and clean up the mess after them." > > "Q: How do you keep male employees on their toes ? > A: Raise the urinals 12 inches !" > > "Q: Why do men have pet names for their penises ? > A: Because they don't like to take orders from a stranger." > > "Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive and caring ? > A: Because those men already have boyfriends !" > > "Q: How are men like laxatives ? > A: Because they irritate the shit out of you !" > > "Q: Why is food better than men ? > A:Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds." > > "Q: What's the difference between pregnant women and men ? > A:One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness." > > "Q: Why don't men have PMS ? > A: What would be the point, they act like that all the time." > > "Q: What three two-letter words denote 'small' ? > A: Is it in ?" > > "Q: What is a man's worst nightmare ? > a) the Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera, > b) his wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to do it, > c) a female boss, > d) he has to ask his wife for money." > > "Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis ? > A: So they can think with an open mind." > > "Q: What's the most useful part of a man ? > A: The wallet." > > "Q: How can you tell that God is a woman ? > A: If God were a man, he would have put the balls on the inside." > > "Q: Why don't men need to use so much toilet paper ? > A: Because God made them perfect arseholes !" > > "Q: Why did God make Adam first ? > A: A Practice makes perfect." > > "Q: What are the three words a woman can always expect from a man after sex > ? > A: How was I ?" > > "Q: How are men like chocolates ? > A: They never last long enough and they always leave stains whenever they > get hot." > > "Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven ? > A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell !" > > "Q: Why do men name their penises ? > A: Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all > their decisions." > > "Q: How is a man like a snowstorm ? > A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get or > how long it'll stay." > > "Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called ? > A: The man." > > "Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women ? > A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there." > > "Q: What do you call a handcuffed man ? > A: Trustworthy." > > "Q: Why are men like commercials ? > A: You can't believe a word they say." > > "Q: Why are men like popcorn ? > A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while." > > "Q: Why are men like blenders ? > A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why." > > "Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm ? > A: Because so many men fake foreplay." > > "Q: Why are women so bad at parking ? > A: Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and > forefinger) is 25 cm." > > "Q: What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris ? > A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar." > > "Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening ? > A: Sex." > > "Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner ? > A: When the power goes off." > > "Q: What do men and women have in common ? > A: They both distrust men." > > "Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt > gifts ? > A: Guilt gifts are nicer." > > "Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man ? > A: His wife is good at picking out clothes." > > "Q: How is a man like the weather ? > A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them." > > "Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth ? > A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the > other is just having a baby." > > "Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. > What do men dream of ? > A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Swedish Bikini Team." > > "Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date ? > A: Slow." > > "Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common ? > A: They're married." > > "Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is ? > A: An insurance company." > > "Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings ? > A: Because they don't have any." > > "Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis ? > A: So oxygen can get to their brains." > > "Q: What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman ? > A: A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow > out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles." > > "Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing ? > A: Castrated." > > "Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men ? > A: Bonds mature." > > "Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T. ? > A: E.T. phoned home." > > "Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners ? > A: So men can remember them." > > "WOMENS RULES FOR MEN: > 1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them. > 2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote. > 3. I always choose chocolate over men - ALWAYS. > 4. 51% Love Goddess, 49% Bitch. Care to push your luck? > 5. My sexual preference is NO. > 6. My body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray. > 7. It's not the size that counts, it's....no, wait, size does count. > 8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice. > 9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you can > walk all over them forever. > 10. Save your breath for your inflatable date. > > Phrases you don't tell a naked man: > - I've smoked joints fatter than that. > - Ahh, it's cute. > - I'm sorry. > - Who circumcised you ? > - Why don't we just cuddle ? > - You know they have surgery to fix that. > - My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. > - Oh no, a flash headache ! > - My 8-year-old brother has one like that. > - This explains your car. > - Are you one of those pygmies ? > - Why is God punishing you ? > - But it still works, right ? > - Do you take steroids ? > - Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes ? > - Aww, it's hiding. > - Are you cold ? > - If you get me real drunk first. > - Is that an optical illusion ? > - It's a good thing you have so many other talents. > - Does it come with an air pump ? > - So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. > > > > > WOMEN BASHING > > "And then Adam said, 'What's a headache ?'." > > "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousa in > women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." - P. J. > O'Rourke > > "Q: What do women and condoms have in common ? > A: They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis." > > "We have drugs to make women speak, but none to keep them silent." - > Anatole France > > "A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the purgatory of the purse, and > the paradise of the eyes." - Fontenelle. > > "Christ called as his Apostles only men. He did this in a totally free and > sovereign way." - John Paul II (1920- ) Polish Pope. > > "If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no > ning." - Aristotle Onassis > > "If my wife really loved me, she would have married someone else !" > > "No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one > woman." - Honor� de Balzac (1799-1850) French novelist. La Physiologie du > mariage. > > Man: You remind me of the sea. > Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting ? > Man: NO, because you make me sick ! > > I was making out with my date: "Hey, baby, I'd like a little pussy", I > whispered in her ear. "Oh, me too", she replied, "mine's as big as a barn". > > "There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I > notice. A charming woman is one who notices me." - John Erskine. > > "Here's to our wives and sweethearts - may they never meet." - John > Bunny. > > "Every woman's a 10. It just depends upon which base you're counting in." > > "God created woman. And boredom did indeed cease from that moment - but many > other things ceased as well! Woman was God's second mistake." - Friedrich > Nietzsche (1844-1900) German philosopher. > > "I have never had a woman to give me a headache." - 112-year-old South > African Nicklaas Amsterdam, explaining that life without sex had worked > wonders for him. > > "In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns." - Fabrizio, The > Godfather. > > "Don't be a sexist. Chicks hate that." > > "The way to a woman's heart is through your wallet." - Jeremy Keating. > > "My wife helped intensify my religion. Until I married her, I didn't > believe in hell." > > "Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand." - Benny > Hill. > > "Nymphomaniac /n./: A Girl That Can Only Count Up To Sex." > > "El Nino taught me that some of the most beautiful things in nature are also > the most dangerous. Like 30 foot waves, giant thunderstorms, and topless > blondes driving on rain-soaked highways." - Mark Schmidt > > "In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and > rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested." > > "Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox ? > A: About 5 drinks." > > "I had a wife once, but her husband came and got her." > > "My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way." - Henny Youngman. > > "A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." - Milton > Berle. > > "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her." - Bumper sticker > > "I was at a magic show once, and the magician chose my wife for a helper and > then sawed her in half. Alas, it was only an illusion." - Larry Hirsch. > > "You know, I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read the stuff > on the men's bathroom wall two years ago..." > > One day God said to Adam, "I'm going to give you the perfect mate. She will > do everything you ask of her and she will always love you." > > "That sounds great, but how much will it cost me ?" Adam asked. > > "Oh, God said, It will cost you an arm and a leg." > > "Well Adam said, What can I get for a rib ?" > > "I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her." > > "Women: You can't live with them; You can't live without them. That's > probably why you can rent one for the evening." - Jim Stark. > > "If there is one thing I know about women, it's that you should never laugh > until you absolutely - I repeat, absolutely - know that they're > ing." - Mark Dockham. > > "I think the fact that feminism has just recently arrived after a few > thousand years of male domination says something: women are a little > w." - Graeme Glinski. > > "I have P.M.S. and a handgun; Any questions ?" - Seen on a woman's > T-shirt. > > "Woman are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I wouldn't like > to own one." - W.C. Fields. > > "Q: How do you make a hormone ? > A: Don't pay her." > > "Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die." > > "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not > dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton. > > "A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. > A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does." > > "A woman has the last word in any argument. > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument." > > "The natural reason why women's butts are bigger than men's is that the > anvil must always be bigger than the hammer." > > "If all the research spent on beauty products for women had gone to space > research, there'd already be fries stands on the moon" > > "Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding" - Stephen Wright. > > "If But for the Mercy of my Lord, that my paradise becomes a woman's > l." - St. Augustine. > > "A woman's place is at her husband's feet." - Pope Pius XIII. > > "Women should be obscene and not heard." - John Lennon. > > "'twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank > her for it." - W. C. Fields. > > "A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally." - Lillian > Day. > > "My girlfriend said: 'If you loved me you wouldn't drink so much', I said: > 'If I didn't drink so much I probably wouldn't love you'." - Gary > Muledear. > > "Women are like telephones... They love to be talked to, they love to be > held, but if you push the wrong button... you're disconnected ." > > "Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in > the room and say: > > "You've got something hanging out of your nose". Hey, since I've got no shot > at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy." - Michael > Hayward. > > "When women go wrong, men go right after them." - Mae West. > > "I've found that a good way to get slapped by a feminist upon meeting her is > to reply: 'Oh. You're a feminist ? I think that's so cute'." > > "A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her > feelings." - Olin Miller. > > "A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item > that she doesn't want." > > "My friend goes through the wedding section of the Sunday paper looking at > the brides-to-be and picks out a Dog-of-the-Week. I think that's cruel > toward women. Myself, I look to see who shows the most cleavage." - Dave > Henry. > > "A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never > worries about the future until he gets a wife." > > "A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A > successful woman is one who can find such a man." > > "Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people > remembering the same thing." > > "There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage > and after marriage." > > "Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten." - Bumper Sticker. > > "- Can I smell your pussy ? > - Hell NO you pervert !! > - Oh ! Must be your feet..." > > "Beauty times brains equals a constant." - Beckhap's Law. > > "Save the Whales - Harpoon a Fat Chick" - Bumper Sticker. > > A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he > received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have > mine". > > "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him > keep her." > > "Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two major > categories: (1) Not enough. (2) Too much." - Ann Landers > > "The best measure of a woman's honesty isn't her income tax return. It's the > zero adjust on her bathroom scale." - from Arthur C. Clarke. > > "You know, she speaks eighteen languages. And she can't say 'No' in any of > them." - Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), US writer. Speaking of an > acquaintance. > > "There are no ugly women, only lazy ones." - Helena Rubinstein > (1882-1965), Polish-born US cosmetics manufacturer. > > "Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume ? > A: Because they are ugly and they stink !" > > "Failing to be there when a man wants her is woman's greatest sin, except > for being there when he doesn't want her." - Helen Rowland. > > "There goes a woman who knows all the things that can be taught and none of > the things that cannot be taught." - Coco Chanel (1883-1971), French > dress designer. > > "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." - Winston Churchill, replying to > Lady Astor who had said, 'If you were my husband, I'd put poison in your > coffee'. > > "Harris, I am not well; pray get me a glass of brandy." - George IV > (1762-1830), upon seeing Caroline of Brunswick, whom he was to marry, for > the first time. > > "You have sent me a Flanders mare." - Henry VIII (1491-1547). Said on > meeting his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves, for the first time. > > "The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet > been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine > soul, is: What does a woman want ?" - Sigmund Freud. > > "Woman /n/ An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man and having a > rudimentary susceptibility to domestication [...] The species is the most > widely distributed of all beasts of prey [...] The woman is omnivorous and > can be taught not to talk." - Balthasar Pober. > > "When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or > more women get together, they talk about men." > > "Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. > Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie." > > "All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it." > > "Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman ? > A: A battery has a positive side." > > "- Dad, what's a vagina look like ? > - Son, before sex, a vagina looks like a pink rose, with soft, lovely > petals, and the aroma of perfume. > - What about after sex ? > - Have you ever seen a bulldog eating a milk-shake ?" > > > > MISC > > "Why do moths fly with their legs apart ? > ...have you seen the size of moth balls ?" > > "Why does an elephant have four feet ? > ...it would look bloody silly with six inches." > > "A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed." > > "Q: What kind of bees give milk ? > A: Boo bees." > > "Without nipples, breasts would be pointless." - Jody Nathan. > > "I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac." > > "Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's > testicles for a bet... God, that sheep kicked the hell out of him..." - > Ripping Yarns. > > "...One witness told the commissioners that she had seen sexual intercourse > taking place between two parked cars in front of her house..." - The > Press (Atlantic City, N.J.), 6/14/79. > > "Familiarity breeds contempt, but without a little familiarity it's > impossible to breed anything." - Noel Coward. > > "An egg is the unluckiest danged thing in all creation: it only gets laid > once, it only gets eaten once, it takes eleven minutes to get hard, it comes > in a box with eleven other guys, and the only one who ever sits on its face > is its mom." > > "People say to me, 'Danielle, you're such a wonderful person. Why are you > single ?' How the hell do I know ? Why don't you ask the people who aren't > dating me ?!?" - Danielle Henderson. > > "At 72, I'm still the Latin Lover. What am I ? A fairground freak ?'" - > Marcello Mastroianni. > > "It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied > up." - Joan Rivers. > > "Like the ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking > for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem." - Alan > McKay. > > "Too much of a good thing is wonderful !" - Mae West. > > "For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He > who looks for it below there is wasting his time." - Isabel Allende. > > "We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than > malnutrition." - Alex Comfort. > > "When choosing between two evils, I always try to choose the one I haven't > tried before." - Mae West. > > "I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of > oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate > commerce." - J. Edgar Hoover. > > "When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I > figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want > to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them." - Senator and > astronaut John Glenn. > > "I don't understand why women get upset when you compare them to one of the > monkeys from Planet of the Apes, even one of the heroic ones, like Dr. > Zera." - David James. > > "The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is > that one of them be good at taking orders." - Linda Festa. > > "Learn from you parents' mistakes - use birth control." - Bumper sticker. > > "The one who snores will fall asleep first." > > "A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without > obstructing the view." - Joey Adams. > > "The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy > breathing again." - Erma Bombeck. > > "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't > decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner. > > "I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just > too many holes in the plot." - J. Hutter. > > "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy > Liebman. > > "Whenever I have a birthday, I think back over the past year, how I've spent > my time, what I've accomplished, what regrets I have, how I've tried to make > the world a better place, and what exactly I've been doing with my life over > the past 365 days, and I think to myself: 'Man, I wish I'd gotten laid > more'." - R.M. Weiner. > > "The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M." - Charles > Pierce. > > "The wagon of love breaks down under the baggage of life." > > "Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you dy." - > Linda Festa. > > "One more drink and I'll be under the host." - Dorothy Parker. > > "People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of > someone else." > > "I bet the people of Gomorrah felt like they got the short end of the stick. > After all, they didn't get a perversion or a criminal activity named after > them." - Mike Miles. > > The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on > corporate America recreation preferences: > 1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling. > 2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football. > 3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball. > 4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis. > 5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf. > Conclusion: > The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls... > > "I'm hung like Einstein and smart as a horse." - Bumper Sticker. > > "Practice safe sex: go fuck yourself." - Helmet Sticker. > > "Do the words sex and travel mean anything to you ? Good: FUCK-OFF !" > > A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette > with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a > bit pissed off. > The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered that > question..." > > ===== "Whatever the question... ...LOVE is the answer" __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Find the one for you at Yahoo! Personals http://personals.yahoo.com ==^================================================================ This email was sent to: [email protected] EASY UNSUBSCRIBE click here: http://topica.com/u/?aVxiMu.aVzSEg Or send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] T O P I C A -- Register now to manage your mail! http://www.topica.com/partner/tag02/register ==^================================================================
