Here we go again....nurse nurse my sides are splitting!!!! Sime.
> Many many years ago > when I was twenty three, > I got married to a widow > who was pretty as could be. > This widow had a grown-up daughter > who had hair of red. > My father fell in love with her, > and soon the two were wed. > This made my dad my son-in-law > And changed my very life. > My daughter was my mother, > For she was my father's wife. > To complicate the matters worse, > Although it brought me joy, > I soon became the father > Of a bouncing baby boy. > My little baby then became > A brother-in-law to dad. > And so became my uncle, > Though it made me very sad. > For if he was my uncle, > Then that also made him brother > To the widow's grown-up daughter > Who, of course, was my step-mother. > Father's wife then had a son, > Who kept them on the run. > And he became my grandson, > For he was my daughter's son. > My wife is now my mother's mother > And it makes me blue. > Because, although she is my wife, > She is my grandma too. > If my wife is my grandmother, > Then I am her grandchild. > And every time I think of it, > It simply drives me wild. > For now I have become > The strangest case you ever saw. > As the husband of my grandmother, > I am my own grandpa. > *********************************** If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not > open it. Apparently this virus is pretty nasty. > > It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also > delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. > > It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. > > It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and > uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play - > except Yanni CD's. > With them it doubles the volume. > > It will automatically download kiddie porn to your hard drive and then > notify the authorities. > > It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice > cream melts and your milk curdles. > > It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's > number. > > This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. > > It will drink all your good beer and replace it with I.C. Light. > > It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting > company. > > It will talk nasty about your mother. > > Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz to > migrate behind your ears. > > It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while > dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel > rendezvous to your Visa card-the only card > stripe it didn't demagnetize. > > It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is > only fun until someone loses an eye. > > It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. > > It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive > tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the > interpretations of key sentences. > > If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 98 environment, it will > leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously > close to a full bathtub. > > It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, > but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. > > It will replace all your luncheon meat with beef tongue. > > It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell > like dill pickles (but, on the plus side, they're kosher dills). > > It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It > is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. > ****************************************** Three important questions to ask an alien, before having sex: > > > > 1. Are you carrying any diseases which might be > > communicable to humans? > > 2. Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the > > past six months? > > 3. Which one is your mouth? ************************************* > > TO PROVE A THEORY > > > > A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about > > the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to > > tell for certain how often someone had sex. > > > > To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with > > people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. > > Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was > > able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The > > last man in line was grinning from ear to ear. > > > > "Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised > > when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer > > was no. "Twice a week?" > > > > "No." > > > > "Twice a month?" > > > > "No." > > > > When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said > > yes. > > > > The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with > > this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are > > you so happy about?" > > > > The man answered, "Tonight's the night!" *********************************** > > "MEN ARE LIKE...." > > > > Men are like ... newborn babies > > They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their > > crap. > > > > Men are like ... coffee > > The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night. > > > > Men are like ... computers. > > Hard to figure out and never enough memory. > > > > Men are like ... coolers. > > Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. > > > > Men are like ... chocolate bars. > > Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips. > > > > Men are like .... power tools > > They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to > > work. > > > > Men are like ... remote controls > > Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV. > > > > Men are like ... shag carpets. > > Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on. > > > > Men are like ... vacuum cleaners > > They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them > > around. > > > > Men are like ... road kill > > They usually just lie around until they start to smell. > > > > Men are like ... soap operas > > They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you > > hear. > > > > Men are like ... pillows > > Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy. > > > > Men are like ... old car tires > > Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a > > spare. > > > > Men are like ... plastic wrap > > Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through. > > > > Men are like .... department stores > > Their clothes should always be half off. > > > > Men are like ... horoscopes. > > They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. > > > > Men are like ... cement. > > After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. > > > > Men are like ... plungers. > > They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or > > the bathroom > > > > Men are like.....Placemats. > > They only show up when there's food on the table. > > > > Men are like.....Mascara. > > They usually run at the first sign of emotion. > > > > Men are like.....Bike helmets. > > Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. > > > > Men are like.....Government bonds. > > They take so long to mature. > > > > Men are like.....Parking spots. > > The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. > > > > > Men are like.....Copiers. > > You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. > > > > Men are like.....Lava lamps. > > Fun to look at, but not all that bright. > > > > Men are like.....Bank accounts. > > Without a lot of money, they don't generate much > > interest. > > > > Men are like.....High heels. > > They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. > > > > Men are like.....Curling irons. > > They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. > > > > Men are like.....Mini skirts. > > If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. > > > > Men are like.....Bananas. > > The older they get, the less firm they are. ************************************ > > STILL GOING STRONG > > > > An old man turned 96 and was being interviewed by a reporter > > for the local paper. During the interview the reporter > > noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages > > playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the > > old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and > > running errands for them. > > > > "Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked. > > > > "Naw, sir, they're all my younguns," the old man replied > > with a sly grin. > > > > "Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful > > young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your > > children too?" > > > > "Naw, sir," said the old man. "She's my wife." > > > > "Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be > > more than 19 years old." > > > > "That's right," said the old man with pride. > > > > "Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 96 and > > she being only 19," the reporter remarked. > > > > "Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. > > Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning > > six of my boys help me off." > > > > "Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it > > only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of > > them to take you off?" > > > > "Cause," the spry old man said with a tight fist, "I fight 'em." **************************************** A man died with an erection. > > Unable to bend the rigid member, so as to make it unnoticeable, the > undertaker asked the widow, > > "I'm sorry ma'am but your husband's penis is standing straight up, and we > can't prepare him for viewing like this. What do you want me to do?" > > The widow sighed, "Just cut it off and stick it up his butt." > > Taken aback, the undertaker nonetheless complied with her instruction. > > When the widow came to view her husband's body that evening, she noticed a > tiny tear in the corner of his eyes. > > Gently she bent down and whispered to him, > > "See there, you son-of-a-bitch..... I TOLD you that it hurt!" ********************************** Drinking Stages stage 1 - SMART > >>This is when you suddenly become an expert on every > >>subject in the known Universe. You know you know > >>everything and want to pass on your knowledge to > >>anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always > >>RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is > >>very WRONG. > >>This makes for an interesting argument when both > >>parties are SMART. > >> > >>Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING > >>This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING > >> > >>person in the entire bar and that people want you. You > >>can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they want you > >>and really want to talk to you. > >>Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk > >>to this person about any subject under the sun. > >> > >>Stage 3 - RICH > >>This is when you suddenly become the richest person in > >> > >>the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar > >>because you have an armoured truck full of money parked > >>behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, > >>because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally > >>you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much > >>you bet because you are RICH. > >>You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, > >>because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the > >>world. > >> > >>Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF > >>You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and > >>everyone especially those with whom you have been > >>betting or arguing. > >>This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point > >>you can also go up to the partners of the people who > >>you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. > >>You have no fear of losing this battle because you are > >>SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING > >>than they are anyway! > >> > >>Stage 5 - INVISIBLE > >>This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point > >>you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You > >>dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy > >>because the rest of the people in the room cannot see > >>you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to > >>fight you. You can walk through the street singing at > >>the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear > >>you and because you're still SMART you know all the > >>words. *********************************** > >>Alcohol Warnings: The FDA is considering additional > >>warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: > >> > >>1) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think > >>you are whispering when you are not. > >> > >>2) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to > >>tell the same boring story over and over again until > >>your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD. > >> > >>3) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to > >>thay shings like thish. > >> > >>4) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to > >>believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to > >>telephone them at 4 in the morning. > >> > >>5) WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading > >>cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. > >> > >>6) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to > >>think people are laughing WITH you. ===== "Whatever the question... ...LOVE is the answer" __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? 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