HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I the only person to find these jokes unamusing, Simon, you have too much time on your hands, get a life!
Liz --- Andy Roberts <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > Oh Simon, with these jokes you are really spoiling > us. > > Work hard, play hard > > >From: Simon Young <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> > >Reply-To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] > >To: KTF KTF <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>, > modslist > ><[EMAIL PROTECTED]>, northern mods northern mods > ><[EMAIL PROTECTED]> > >Subject: jokes-a-plenty part four 20.11.2001 > >Date: Tue, 20 Nov 2001 05:56:33 -0800 (PST) > > > >Here we go again....nurse nurse my sides are > >splitting!!!! > > > >Sime. > > > > > Many many years ago > > > when I was twenty three, > > > I got married to a widow > > > who was pretty as could be. > > > This widow had a grown-up daughter > > > who had hair of red. > > > My father fell in love with her, > > > and soon the two were wed. > > > This made my dad my son-in-law > > > And changed my very life. > > > My daughter was my mother, > > > For she was my father's wife. > > > To complicate the matters worse, > > > Although it brought me joy, > > > I soon became the father > > > Of a bouncing baby boy. > > > My little baby then became > > > A brother-in-law to dad. > > > And so became my uncle, > > > Though it made me very sad. > > > For if he was my uncle, > > > Then that also made him brother > > > To the widow's grown-up daughter > > > Who, of course, was my step-mother. > > > Father's wife then had a son, > > > Who kept them on the run. > > > And he became my grandson, > > > For he was my daughter's son. > > > My wife is now my mother's mother > > > And it makes me blue. > > > Because, although she is my wife, > > > She is my grandma too. > > > If my wife is my grandmother, > > > Then I am her grandchild. > > > And every time I think of it, > > > It simply drives me wild. > > > For now I have become > > > The strangest case you ever saw. > > > As the husband of my grandmother, > > > I am my own grandpa. > > > > >*********************************** > > > >If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," > >delete it immediately. Do not > > > open it. Apparently this virus is pretty > >nasty. > > > > > > It will not only erase everything on your hard > >drive, but it will also > > > delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your > > > >computer. > > > > > > It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your > >credit cards. > > > > > > It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up > >the tracking on your VCR and > > > uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any > >CD's you attempt to play - > > > except Yanni CD's. > > > With them it doubles the volume. > > > > > > It will automatically download kiddie porn to > >your hard drive and then > > > notify the authorities. > > > > > > It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's > >coolness settings so all your ice > > > cream melts and your milk curdles. > > > > > > It will program your phone auto dial to call > >only your mother-in-law's > > > number. > > > > > > This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish > >tank. > > > > > > It will drink all your good beer and replace it > > > >with I.C. Light. > > > > > > It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table > >when you are expecting > > > company. > > > > > > It will talk nasty about your mother. > > > > > > Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe > >jam and bellybutton fuzz to > > > migrate behind your ears. > > > > > > It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your > > > >Nair with Rogaine, all > >while > > > dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your > >back and billing their > >hotel > > > rendezvous to your Visa card-the only card > > > stripe it didn't demagnetize. > > > > > > It will cause you to run with scissors and > >throw things in a way that is > > > only fun until someone loses an eye. > > > > > > It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. > > > > > > It will rewrite your backup files, changing all > > > >your active verbs to > >passive > > > tense and incorporating undetectable > >misspellings which grossly change > >the > > > interpretations of key sentences. > > > > > > If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a > >Windows 98 environment, it will > > > leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair > >dryer plugged in dangerously > > > close to a full bathtub. > > > > > > It will not only remove the forbidden tags from > > > >your mattresses and > >pillows, > > > but it will also refill your skim milk with > >whole milk. > > > > > > It will replace all your luncheon meat with > >beef tongue. > > > > > > It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or > >perfume, causing it to smell > > > like dill pickles (but, on the plus side, > >they're kosher dills). > > > > > > It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and > > > >terrifying to behold. It > > > is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. > > > > >****************************************** > > > >Three important questions to ask an alien, > >before having sex: > > > > > > > > 1. Are you carrying any diseases which might > > > >be > > > > communicable to humans? > > > > 2. Have you had sex with any high-risk > >partners in the > > > > past six months? > > > > 3. Which one is your mouth? > >************************************* > > > > > > TO PROVE A THEORY > > > > > > > > A noted sex therapist realized that people > >often lie about > > > > the frequency of their encounters, so he > >devised a test to > > > > tell for certain how often someone had sex. > > > > > > > > To prove his theory, he filled up an > >auditorium with > > > > people, and went down the line asking each > >person to smile. > > > > Using the size of the person's smile, the > >therapist was > > > > able to guess accurately how often each > >person had sex. The > > > > last man in line was grinning from ear to > >ear. > > > > > > > > "Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but > >was surprised > > > > when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" > >Again the answer > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? 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