“Ever wondered why, in spite of the saying ‘never take your
troubles to bed’; most people sleep with their wives?”
– a recent SMS doing the rounds
Each
time you finish telling a bedtime fairytale to your young kid, you
utter the words "lived happily ever after"…and then smirk. Is it
because you know that it hasn't happened to anyone, nor will it happen
in the future? Well, you're smart. You know life is no storybook. In
real life, sometimes your Sooraj Barjatya tale ends up feeling more
like a Ramsay horror flick. Let's face it, marriage is not for the
faint hearted. Read on to know some simple truths that will unlock the
surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect,
un-storybook-like, real-life love.
Newly weds Sanjay Dutt and
Manyata 1 You will look at the person lying next to you and
wonder, Is this it? Forever?
Whenyou get married, you think that as long as you pick the right person —your
'soul mate' — you'll be happy together until death do you part.Then you wake up
one day and realise no matter how great he/she is,he/she doesn't make you happy
every moment of every day. In fact, somedays you might wonder why you were in
such a hurry to get married inthe first place. You think to yourself, this is
so not what I signed upfor!
Actually, it is. You just didn't realise it the day you andyour partner were
cramming wedding cake into each other's faces,clinking champagne glasses, and
dancing on those shaadi numbers. Backthen you had no idea that "for better and
for worse" doesn't kick inonly when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship
mettle is mosttested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of
day-in/day-outtogetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills.
That'swhen the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense
ofloneliness and grief.
2 You’ll work harder than you ever imagined
Earlyon, when people say, "marriage takes some effort to work," you
assume"efforts" mean being patient when he forgets to put his socks away.
Inyour naivet, you think you will struggle to accommodate some annoyinghabit,
like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.
Carla Bruni and French
President Nicholas Sarkozy If only it were that easy. Your partner's
mysterious, unplumbed depthswill only start surfacing gradually as the years
pass. You have tolearn each other the same way that you once learned earth
science orworld geography. Also, getting married doesn't mean you're done —
itjust means you've advanced to graduate-level studies! As two peoplegrow and
evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relateto and nurture each
other in the process.
3 You will sometimes go to bed mad
Whoeverdecided to tell newlyweds "Never go to bed angry" doesn't know whatit's
like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as the'patni' talks the
'pati' into a woozy stupor until night meets dawn. Ifthis scenario sounds
familiar, there are three words for you: sleep onit.
You need to calm down and gain perspective. An argument ofany quality, like a
fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the actionwill help you figure out
whether you're angry, hurt, or both, and thenpinpoint the exact source. Maybe
the fight that seemed to erupt overthe overflowing kachra is really about
feeling underappreciated. Takinga break will help you see that, and let go.
Without a timeout, a goodargument can turn into an endless round of silly
transgressions as youget more and more wound up.
4 You will go without sex – sometimes for a long time – and that’s okay
Guys,we hope you're reading this one. Sexless periods are a natural part
ofmarried life. A dry spell isn't a sign that you've lost your magic orthat
you'll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week,sleep is more
important than sex. Instead of worrying about how muchsex you should be having,
keep the focus on figuring out your ownrhythm. The key is to make sure that
even if you're not doing it,you're still doing something — touching, kissing,
hugging. Women'shearts simply melt when husbands do acts like rubbing feet
after along, tiring day.
Amit Deshmukh with wife
Aditi 5 A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict
..it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right. As important asit is
to strike a balance, it's also important to have a big, fat fightevery now and
then. Because when you fight, you don't just raise yourvoices; you raise real —
sometimes buried — issues that challenge youto come to a clearer understanding
of you, your partner, and yourrelationship. Don't give up your fights for
anything in the world,because in the end they won't break you, they'll only
make youstronger.
6 You’ll realise that you can only change yourself
Thereis a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us – something that makesus
believe we can change the person we love, make your partner just alittle bit
closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shoutsand ultimatums, but
with grave conviction we take on a hugeresponsibility, convinced we're doing
the right thing.
Whateverour motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown
humanis truly an impossible task. And you will come to realise, sooner
thanlater if you're lucky, that it is far easier to change the way yourespond
to him/her.
7 ON facing your fears and insecurities, you’ll find out what you're really
made of
Everyonehas issues. Trust, control, the list goes on. You will still struggleas
'a work in progress' after 20 years of marriage. But many of thedeepest
frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you toconfront
yourself. If you accept them, this bumpy journey towardself-awareness can be
one of the rewards of a committed relationship —you'll learn be compassionate
toward yourself, just as you're learningto do with your partner.
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